- Thread starter
- #25
barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
The session went better than I expected.
I'd made some notes to keep me focused and to ensure I said everything I wanted to.
It threw me at the start because I was quite expecting her to bring it up, but she didn't. And it felt like she wasn't going to.
So, after a few minutes, I said that I think we need to talk about last session and she looked like she agreed that was a good idea. Said she had wondered why I hadn't been in touch but that she had assumed that I had needed some space and she understood that and wanted to respect that.
Before I launched into things, I asked her if she could just listen and let me say it all before she responded to anything, because it would be more helpful for me if she could just let me speak, listen and hear me. And then she could say whatever she wanted to say about it. And she was absolutely fine about that and didn't interrupt at all. That helped me, I think. And I was quite pleased with myself that I'd been able to ask for that and to set things up in a way that would work best for me.
And I was quite pleased with myself for then getting it all out. Especially as some of it was quite uncomfortable to say (eg 'I wanted to make you wait because I wanted to punish you') and because I knew that some of it would be hard for her to hear (the list of words I used at various points to describe how I felt when she said had different things included: angry, judged, criticised, unheard, not taken seriously, dismissed, invalidated, shamed...)
She didn't actually try to explain what she meant at various points where we had clearly had miscommunications, which is what I'd expected she would do. She just listened and then completely accepted what I said and took responsibility and ownership for the session going the way it did. She visibly flinched at some things, so I think she didn't really notice it in the moment when she said it in our session, but hearing me say it back to her, I think made her think, ooh, that really wasn't a good thing I said! She said she had known at the time that her interventions were clumsy and that they weren't landing well and that when she had tried to improve things she only made them worse. So, I was quite surprised to get that level of ownership from her and I appreciated it.
When we talked about my feelings and reaction post-session...when I said that it was ridiculous that part of me wanted to punish her by making her wait for me to get in touch because I'm sure she wasn't feeling punished and I was the one feeling stressed about it, she said that she had felt upset and stressed and concerned too. And that every time she had opened her laptop, she had wondered whether there would be an email from me. She seemed to really want me to know that she cares.
So, really, it couldn't have gone any better. And she couldn't have reacted any better than she did. So, that's all good and I feel like I've said what I needed to say and she responded well to it, so I can now draw a line under that session.
I've noticed today that the anger has gone so I feel calmer.
And now I feel...sad. I feel a bit lost. And perhaps like I've lost something (maybe why I just interrupted grit's poem the way I did!) I can't quite explain it or put my finger on what I'm really feeling or why but it's something around that, I think.
We didn't put another date in the diary. I think she wanted to give me some space to reflect and see how I feel...I don't think she wanted to assume that I want to keep working with her. She offered a free of charge half hour phone call later this week if I want it but I'm not sure. I don't think I want to finish working with her. And, if I did, I don't think I'd want to do it this way. But things feel a bit different. And I don't really know what to talk about with her now.
So....a good conversation yesterday....but still a lot of uncertainty and confusion!
I'd made some notes to keep me focused and to ensure I said everything I wanted to.
It threw me at the start because I was quite expecting her to bring it up, but she didn't. And it felt like she wasn't going to.
So, after a few minutes, I said that I think we need to talk about last session and she looked like she agreed that was a good idea. Said she had wondered why I hadn't been in touch but that she had assumed that I had needed some space and she understood that and wanted to respect that.
Before I launched into things, I asked her if she could just listen and let me say it all before she responded to anything, because it would be more helpful for me if she could just let me speak, listen and hear me. And then she could say whatever she wanted to say about it. And she was absolutely fine about that and didn't interrupt at all. That helped me, I think. And I was quite pleased with myself that I'd been able to ask for that and to set things up in a way that would work best for me.
And I was quite pleased with myself for then getting it all out. Especially as some of it was quite uncomfortable to say (eg 'I wanted to make you wait because I wanted to punish you') and because I knew that some of it would be hard for her to hear (the list of words I used at various points to describe how I felt when she said had different things included: angry, judged, criticised, unheard, not taken seriously, dismissed, invalidated, shamed...)
She didn't actually try to explain what she meant at various points where we had clearly had miscommunications, which is what I'd expected she would do. She just listened and then completely accepted what I said and took responsibility and ownership for the session going the way it did. She visibly flinched at some things, so I think she didn't really notice it in the moment when she said it in our session, but hearing me say it back to her, I think made her think, ooh, that really wasn't a good thing I said! She said she had known at the time that her interventions were clumsy and that they weren't landing well and that when she had tried to improve things she only made them worse. So, I was quite surprised to get that level of ownership from her and I appreciated it.
When we talked about my feelings and reaction post-session...when I said that it was ridiculous that part of me wanted to punish her by making her wait for me to get in touch because I'm sure she wasn't feeling punished and I was the one feeling stressed about it, she said that she had felt upset and stressed and concerned too. And that every time she had opened her laptop, she had wondered whether there would be an email from me. She seemed to really want me to know that she cares.
So, really, it couldn't have gone any better. And she couldn't have reacted any better than she did. So, that's all good and I feel like I've said what I needed to say and she responded well to it, so I can now draw a line under that session.
I've noticed today that the anger has gone so I feel calmer.
And now I feel...sad. I feel a bit lost. And perhaps like I've lost something (maybe why I just interrupted grit's poem the way I did!) I can't quite explain it or put my finger on what I'm really feeling or why but it's something around that, I think.
We didn't put another date in the diary. I think she wanted to give me some space to reflect and see how I feel...I don't think she wanted to assume that I want to keep working with her. She offered a free of charge half hour phone call later this week if I want it but I'm not sure. I don't think I want to finish working with her. And, if I did, I don't think I'd want to do it this way. But things feel a bit different. And I don't really know what to talk about with her now.
So....a good conversation yesterday....but still a lot of uncertainty and confusion!