Cut Ties And Now Having A Lot Of Flashbacks

[Malaenis]

I posted in my trauma diary that I recently (less than two weeks ago), completely cut ties with my toxic and abusive family members. At first it felt sort of strange but freeing. Knowing I wouldn't have to hear from them and panic wondering what guilt tactics they were going to use this time to get me to do what they want me to. But after that I felt depressed. Not at losing them, but knowing I don't have a true family, I can't call up my dad to tell him this guy did me wrong, I can't ask my mom for advice, any normal things that normal people go to their parents for. Or other family members. After a weekend of going through that and accepting it because it's always been this way for me, and things aren't going to change, I started getting flashbacks. Constant flashbacks, or tiny things trigger me. Almost like because they were in my life my mind blocked those things out because it would make it harder to face them. Idk. But I was going through baby pictures, they belong to one aunt I cut ties with and I wanted to scan them so I can send them back asap. Some of the pictures made me cringe and trigger. Even by simply looking at the date, because I knew it was around the time my father raped me. Or before it when I was still innocent, but despite how happy my mom looked she told me herself that at that time she still didn't love me. Seeing pictures with my aunt who always spoiled me, but with things that she wanted me to have so I would be interested them. It's become more clear how I was like their toy, that they wanted to mold to each of their wants, either how they wanted to be growing up or how they wanted ME to be. But never once asking me what I wanted. Then when I did say I liked something, it didn't go along with their plans for me so I wan't allowed to. Like so many little, seemingly insignificant things just added up and up and up.

Last night I had a rough night. But tonight is even worse. My son is having behavior issues too, and I feel like my head is going to explode because there are so many things in it that I can't slow it down or make it stop. So I can't handle his behavior and so badly want to run away. Then tonight my mom tried calling. My phone just showed me that and asked if I wanted to change her calls to come through instead of going straight to vm. But I thought she'd left a message at first. I wondered what she could have said before realizing, my mother is very unstable emotionally. And she has bipolar, so it's impossible for me to know what end of it she's on to know how she'll act or respond to things. All of this went through my mind before I realized there was no vm from her. I assume she hung up after realizing my phone went straight to vm. I don't know for sure. But after realizing this I started feeling a little guilty thinking how her knowing that must have made her sad and depressed and feel all alone, and had me feeling like I'm a shitty daughter all over again. Ever since I was a child, even if she did something wrong, it was my fault, I made her, or because I did this thing wrong, she did that, or however she could twist it. So I thought how even with this, even though she's toxic and emotionally abusive, she'll tell people I stopped talking to her to punish her because I'm angry at her for some unknown thing she's done. Again, somehow she'll turn it on me. So will my aunt, because my aunt can do no wrong in her mind.

Anyways, coming here because I'm at my wits end, and I don't know what to do. Other then slip into dissociation. How do other people cope? The flashbacks are flooding me and so many I'm not sure how to work through them because even thinking where to start overwhelms me. Luckily I see my therapist on Friday, and will ask her help then. But for now, is there any advice?

Thank you.

 

[Jessimessi]

I have cut ties with my toxic family for about two years now. I do see my mother, my abuser, a few days out of the year. But the rest of them completely cut from my life. I cut ties before my diagnosis and remember it was a very sad, guilt laden and confusing time. But- it DOES get better. Please know that. Soon you will create your own healthy tribe with people of YOUR choosing. It takes time. As for the flashbacks, it helps me to just let them go, trust yourself and that this is a process. Use grounding techniques if they become too much and most importantly, be good to yourself. Take a bath, watch a show you love put on your favorite album and sing. Pretty soon you'll laugh when you think of all the bs you're missing!! Hugs to you

 

[hodge]

Malaenis, stick to your guns and keep yourself emotionally safe. My mom's a narcissist and I have had to cut ties with her from time to time in my life. Just to save myself. I'd bet diamonds to doughnuts that you were not a shitty daughter. You just had a nasty mom, like I did. It took me years, many years of therapy, to realize I was not a bad daughter. My mom just wanted me to be a carbon copy of her, which I couldn't be. That made me a bad daughter in her eyes. But her eyes are not the be all and end all. Your mom isn't, either. Your son and yourself must be your priorities. Don't worry about your mom. I'm betting she can take care of herself.

 

[hodge]

And good luck with therapy on Friday!

 

[Powder]

For me this happened, too. When you validate your inner children who have been waiting so long to show you their pain, they will do so for a while, as long as it takes to gain your attention.

And for me, I learned to stop fighting it and just to accept what happened happened.

The first year was the hardest for me, as I resisted this process. Although at the time I didn't feel I was resisting it, I was, internally.

Later, I got used to it, and learned to ride the flashbacks like a surfer. No option to return to the shore of denial. Just have to surf the memories for a while.

That was five years ago. I'm finally able to taper my meds as I can handle the infrequent flashback memories much more now that I have had so much practice and know they won't kill me, won't knock me off my board.

What they did is unforgivable, so don't try to force yourself to do the impossible and forgive and "be a good daughter."

Cutting ties is the sanest and most loving thing to do for yourself, them, your child(ren) and the world in most cases, and in my opinion, in every case when both parents were abusive and/or complicit in incest type of abuse or severe abuse of any kind.

I'm sorry you are having to go through the painful part of healing. The truth is, that there is no way around the forest in that journey, but you can use this forum as a set of resources to get through it the best way you can.

I wish you the best outcome and all the support in the world for your healing,

Muse

 

[angrypanda]

I'm cutting ties as well and was surprised when I was suddenly slammed with flashbacks as soon as I finally felt safe. It was like my brain was waiting until it was safe to release them. You will get to the other side!

 

[Ronin]

You got rid of a toxic family.

That took so much of strength - and spoons, too.

Give yourself time to refill, first?

'True' family is whoever we want them to be. The pricks that raised you aren't the only one worth the name.

 

[Ronin]

don't try to force yourself to do the impossible and forgive and "be a good daughter."

Tangential thought:

You're already a good daughter. That they have been shit at spotting it and made you feel like you're not? Is on them, not on you.

 

[Malaenis]

Thanks for the helpful replies everyone! I did see my therapist today and funny enough she wanted me to use a resource from a book I already have to help me through my flashbacks, and another thing to help me, hopefully, sort through them. I'm still at a point I'm scared to face them and am fighting it, pushing them away again. I keep myself so busy so I don't have to deal with them. Especially being a single mom, I'm scared of being stuck in them and not being able to be there for my son. But gonna try what my therapist told me to do. I know it isn't gonna be easy, but damn, I wish it could be just a little bit easier. lol