Cutting Off Family

[James B.]

I began the process of cutting off my family with my father, back in 92/93.

A letter confronting him about his crimes was sent, and that was that. The rest of the bunch was harder to weed out, but eventually all false hopes were realized for what they were, false. No contact since '97.

Father was a narcissist. Mother was battered woman syndrome. Eldest sister was earliest sibling abuser, then scapegoated like me after she became an incest survivor. The scapegoating was led by our mother, and primarily executed by my two brothers.

Cutting off family was one of the best things I ever did for myself. And every time i "hear" another inner-opinion, cast it off as sentimental BS. Understandable, yes. But self defeating all the same.

 

[Trina]

I never cut things off completely with my mother, though sometimes I wish I had. She died quite a long time ago, now, so it's not an active issue for me at this stage. I didn't ever get an apology from her, as far as that goes. Her mental illness was severe enough that I don't think she could have conceived of the fact that one was called-for. You have to do what's right for you, what will help improve the quality of your life the most.

I have, though, recently cut off contact with my brother because he said some truly horrible things to me. I tried to talk it out with him, but no luck there. Finally I told him that I don't want to hear from him until/unless he gives me a sincere apology. It was very, very hard to do, but after spending years extricating myself from abusive friendships and marriages, I'm not about to get myself back into that kind of cycle.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

 

[scaldedsheep]

I've cut my mom's entire side off. They're bigotted, manipulative psychopaths. My mom who's a paranoid drug addict left to go with her new cokehead boyfriend and left me and my brother to rot in our old house. My dad and her stopped paying the bills. Everything was shut off. We were stuck. She basically said "hope you find a place to live." My dad was consumed by the divorce at the time and was partially nuts. When he came to he finally helped us. Our relationship is much better now. I lived with my aunt for a year until her and her lovely third husband(who was f*cking his own son, by the way, my cousin told me it wasn't real. Sure.They were just wrestling naked...and taking showers together, not sexual at all. It was the pipes that were crying and moaning at night.) accused me of getting my cousin addicted to drugs. Ok, my cousin was on drugs way before I moved in. This has been the ongoing story for them though: that my brother and I corrupted our poor innocent cousin.) We've always been the black sheep because my mom was in her family. She has since went mad and is living in a garage with another drugged out guy who she married. My aunt basically took me in so she could prove my mom was a bad parent even though my aunt is an even worse parent. She's the only one on that side that has a college degree so she thinks her shit doesn't stink. So, we ended up living with an aunt and uncle on my dad's side for awhile. They took us in with no problem. I never got to see these people as a kid because my mom didn't like my dad's side and they took us in no questions asked. Now that I live two states away, changed my number, and live with my other uncle who's really cool I'm actually seeing how dysfunctional they are. So I say f*ck them. They aren't real family. You'll figure out who your people are. The other ones I wouldn't piss on even if they were on fire.

Sorry for this stupidly long post. I regressed to teen angst mode for a moment.

 

[Oberons Wife]

As a young woman I tried to remain a family member, but to bring a little honesty into proceedings. I would point out when something upset me, and tried to be very 'grown up' in my relationships within the family. But all that happened is that they humiliated me by ridiculing my opinions and isolated me. When I tried to talk about my sisters eating disorder and violent behaviour they went firmly into denial...'you should be careful about what you say!' 'you need to be aware of your position here!' 'don't talk such nonsense' 'don't be silly' etc etc. I never got as far as discussing sexual abuse over Sunday lunch.

When my mother started handing my son over to a paedophile, I involved the police. The man had killed the last boy who revealed was was happening, but my mother kept going round telling everyone I was being silly again. The police heard of her denials and went around to her house holding the files they had on this guy, each as thick as a brick. They're not allowed to talk about his previous convictions, but they made it clear he had plenty.

I haven't received anything equating to acceptance of her role in the whole affair, and I haven't spoken to her since, 8 years now. My life is SOOO much better without the miserable, manipulated bitch anywhere near me.

I speak to my Dad regularly, and have made sure my son has regular contact with them, but is not alone with my mother or my sister (both deluded and dangerous). It's sometimes tricky, but frankly I think I'm an angel allowing my father any contact, but he was absent as a father, not an abusive father, so I have forgiven him.

All very tricky, and painful, but less painful without a mother than with a monster mother.

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

Ever since a family reunion back in June, I have had no desire whatsoever to talk to any of my family. Both parents are dead, and even if they were still alive, I'd have nothing at all to say to my mother. My father - little, but still not much.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I'm leaning towards giving it a miss altogether. I hate the holiday season; it's pure hell.

 

[Oberons Wife]

I avoid Christmas by working at the homelessness project, always a good atmosphere, feel-good factor and yippee... no family !!

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

I'm looking into becoming a Guardian ad Litem. My therapist has suggested it before, but I'm balking because of the people-interaction factor and public speaking (in court!) - especially if I get a whiff that the child has been abused and I have to face the sick f*** doing it. I don't think I'd be able to calmly interview someone whose face I desire to punch in.

However, all the hand-wringing coverage over the PSU scandal has me mad enough to do something. It's the usual - professed shock at what happened to those poor children, something must be done so more children aren't hurt. And nothing effective is ever done.

Well - I want to do what I can.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I propose a question to those on here: if you were raped, mugged, physically attacked, emotionally abused by someone OTHER than your parents, would you want to have a relationship with that person? If the answer is no, why are our parents held to any other standard? Is it because we were conceived by them? (which in my opinion doesn't hold any weight - most anyone can have sex and reproduce).

The infant - primary caregiver attachment is a huge, huge part of developmental psychology. The feeling of grief/loss that comes from cutting off an abusive parent is much heavier than the feeling of loss from cutting off an abusive friend or short term romantic partner. We're talking about a lifetime connection with a much stronger/deeper attachment (infant-caregiver attachment). In fact, it is THE strongest attachment. That is not an easy thing to cut off. We are wired to believe that our parents are necessary for our survival, even after they abuse us. Cutting them off goes against all instinct! It's more difficult than walking off a tower, in my opinion.

Also:

Some of us developed something similar to Stockholm Syndrome or Battered Person Syndrome.

Battered Person Syndrome (Wikipedia):

Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[6]

• The abused believes that the violence was his or her fault.
• The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
• The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present).
• The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

These things are incredibly difficult to shake, especially the last one ("The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.")