General Cycle Of Abuse

[Sqweak]

@ jenkins123

"Will it hold a mirror up or will he just see it as a bitchy response"

This is the soul reason I stopped writing in my blog, I mentioned briefly in a post that I hated him for a while not too long after a spring of emails of who, why's and what could he have possibly done to make me angry started to pour through my gmail and my phone. I stopped writing I killed my blog actually because I knew he was out there lurking- waiting for me to slip and remind me that he wasn't the only one who made mistakes and I had no right to be mad. I tried to make him understand where my resentment was coming from but again-denial, denial, denial and a little finger pointing here and there. So if I were to ever walk into a situation like this again. I would like to know where I stand and at the same time, I'm not sure if holding a mirror up to such a person will do any good.

 

[jenkins123]

yes agree with both you and Nicolette. Depends if he wants to hear it, is open to it, or feels safer keep projecting back to me. Also, would have been better placed during the relationship, as anything said afterwards is always open to that "she's just being bitchy and it's not true" interpretation as it will be personal and emotional. I guess there's a part of me that hopes he might listen as it was him who once said to me he never wanted to repeat his father's abusive cycle and was fearful of doing so.

 

[Nicolette]

I guess there's a part of me that hopes he might listen as it was him who once said to me he never wanted to repeat his father's abusive cycle and was fearful of doing so.

Questions Jenkins123..... what are you seeking? Validation that he was cruel to you, validation that you are justified in how you feel, wanting him to say sorry, wanting to repair the relationship? This kind of thought process you are going through suggests it is still unresolved within you so it has now become about what you are wanting, why and will you get it?!

 

[jenkins123]

I hear you.

Yes I would say it is indeed partly about what I want, my needs, very belatedly setting boundaries that have no purpose inside the relationship since it is over but validating them finally to myself and refusing what I now suddenly but clearly realise was abuse rather than PTSD.

If he chooses/is open to hearing what I write that's great, as yes, it would indeed be good for his own journey that he owns any abusive behaviour. However, I have no expectations of that by writing it now. I would saying, if I choose to send it, as yet undecidedly, it is for me more than him now. Would you still say this is not a reason to do so?

<edited Nicolette: please capitalize the word 'I', use paragraphs and start sentences with a capital letter thank you.>

 

[Nicolette]

It sounds like you need to write it - as to sending it, I would write it and keep it for awhile, burn it or mail it to myself. There is no point going back and dealing with the past which you cannot change and possibly even causing contact to be re-initiated with an abusive person. Leave what you cannot change and change what you can (which is you).

 

[May1321]

After reading all of this, I think the biggest thing I'm learning for myself more in the regards first to co-dependant behaviour, walking on eggshells, and putting up with abusive behaviour (of any sort) is that it has produced faster healing and quicker results when I acknowledge the hurtful points as soon as they happen vs. dredging them up later when I feel defeated.

Granted, it is a time or place, but if I stick to being 'short and sweet'/unemotional/and stay on point sometimes even to the point of silence as I let (abuser) vent and rage and try to blame, they usually calm and acknowledge that I'm not going to play into the game and apologize for they too realize that they are out of line.

I've been fortunate that most recently I've been dealing with semi 'good' sufferers. With my last ex who was soley abusive emotionally and physically, I admit that I was not as cool headed in those situations and we would fight and fight about the same thing which was exhausting. When I separated from him and was no longer there to point out what was wrong with him, he acknowledged some of his behaviour and came back and apologized but not without some blame to me. I realize I set myself up to be very co-dependant on that situation and would much rather make a point of standing up for myself first and foremost and doing so as calmly and cooly as I wish to actually feel on a regular basis.

Thanks for this Nicolette.

 

[Nicolette]

This might also be helpful in deciding where things are at:

The Stages Of Change

The stages of change are:

• Pre-contemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)
• Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)
• Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)
• Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)
• Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
• Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)

(source: addictioninfo.org)

 

[May1321]

I taught towards very similar versions of these steps as a weight loss counselor. Funny how though there are things in the world that are so different by comparison that we can bring them all back to very concrete steps.

Thanks for these diagrams, Nicolette. These are very helpful. :tup: