DID D.i.d. or bad character?

[Keen]

Guys, I could really use your thoughts right now. This is for anyone with DID who have some parts they're "co-conscious" with.
I was at therapy, I totally switched into this alter, and it was behaving and speaking in all these embarrassing ways, and I just watched and couldn't stop myself and felt totally humiliated.
And I can't stop wondering if its not really DID, if its just that I'm manipulative and am acting these ways unconsciously on purpose because I have bad character or something.
Cause how can I watch myself behaving in these ways I don't agree with, but be unable to stop it? Doesn't this mean that really I CAN stop it but for some manipulative, bad-character reason, I choose not to?
I wish I had amnesia when I switched so I didn't have to witness myself behaving in these embarrassing ways and feel all the shame of it. And so I didn't have to have the experience of watching and not being able to do anything about it, and then wondering if I really could do something about it.
I just don't know if this DID is real or not, or if its just me having bad character and acting to manipulate people.
I just wonder has anyone else felt these ways when this happened for them? How do you deal? How do you know its really DID? How do you handle the shame?
I came home and stared at a bottle of pills and wished so much to just be able to end this all. How can I keep living with this, whatever it is? If its bad character, I'm going to hell. If its DID, I'm already there.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Keen,
There are many, many paradigms (intellectual frameworks) for dealing with the difficulties that we encounter in our living (in the words of Thomas Szasz, "mental illness is to physical illness as metaphor is to reality").

Getting away from the medical paradigm/metaphor, take a look at transactional analysis, especially the book "I'm ok, you're ok"

Transactional analysis' ideas of ego states offers a very good explanation of what you are experiencing and how to address it through therapy.

hope that this helps
@

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't have DID but I do have two split emotions, fear and anger. When I'm not acting out of fear or anger, I can sit here and rationally say that I don't want to act out of fear or anger. (My behavior can be pretty bad, heartless.) When I'm in a split part, anger or fear, all bets are off as that part is pretty much in control.

So we're both on the dissociative spectrum, you're just a bit more "split" than I am. Does it help you to see that less "split" people are having these control issues, too?

 

[Sideways]

I honestly think this is something almost everyone with DID goes through at some point: I must be putting this on.

Despite all the rational arguments to the contrary: are you really that good at acting, what could faking it possibly achieve, if you’re faking it then how come you can’t fake it right now...? Etc etc.

I certainly took a long time going through the acceptance process after I got my diagnosis. And one of the things I wish someone had told me? When you first get diagnosed, it is very common to have at least one alter start to deliberately cause trouble. Because up till now, all of your alters have been surviving on the basis that no one knew they existed.

That’s a pretty fundamental part of why dissociating this way has been such a successful coping strategy: no one, not even you, knew there was any kind of issue. That’s exactly the outcome that your brain was after when, as a child, it decided to split up your personality. It needed to be able to hide the parts that you couldn’t cope with - even from you.

So, imagine if you’d made it 20 or 30 years in your life living in cognito. With no one knowing you existed. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, your cover is blown. Suddenly the whole world knows you exist.

Frightening? That’s what your alters are dealing with. So while you have to try and adjust to the idea that you have DID, they’re adjusting to it as well, in their own way. They will all cope differently, and some will cope better than others. At least one of your alters is likely to take the “cause chaos” route as their means of coping.

Give yourself time and, as much as possible, try and give yourself some self-compassion. The questions you’re asking are normal for someone with DID. The feelings you’re describing are a normal part of adjusting to, and accepting, the diagnosis.

And you’re doing great:)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

especially the book "I'm ok, you're ok"

What a blast from the past! That was one of the first books I ever read associated in any way with psychology. I was 15 and it was on the shelf of a lady I was babysitting for.

Not to hijack the thread. Back on topic.
Dissociation IMHO is one of psychology’s least understood symptoms/experiences.
There are too many layers and levels. There is also no medication for it. This makes it totally useless to pharmaceutical companies and it is, by my experience, diagnosed as something that can be medicated. ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression, or /and bipolar disorder. I’m sure there are others.
Unless I could do a show worthy of an Oscar, which I can’t, I am unable to find someone to not only explain it to me but even believe me.
I have had episodes of rage that I watch in horror knowing I can never, ever explain except when I try to stop, I am told too late, I obviously can’t handle my shit and so Rage must take over. Rage doesn’t like to leave so easily either.

I read somewhere that each of our “parts” are not trying to hurt us but help us. They do things that might have been necessary or worked in the past but now hurt more than help.
If you are very brave and if your T thinks it is okay,
try writing that part a handwritten note or letter.
Ask it why it acted in the way it did. How is it trying to help you? Approach it without blame or shame but with curiosity.
You might be surprised in what you learn.

 

[whiteraven]

Everything you described sounds very familiar - all the questioning, all the wondering if it's really DID, all the not knowing how to deal with it all. It's very common when we're first getting used to being many and how long it lasts just depends. I dealt with denial about it for a long time. And I still have insiders who are quite annoying and embarrassing and hostile to some outsiders, but we mostly have an understanding now. Those insiders generally do not act out with folks we don't know and when they do with our therapist or very close friends, it is with good reason.

I still get embarrassed sometimes, esp. if someone shows up I don't know or know of but never met and I feel ashamed sometimes when someone tells my therapist about something I never wanted anybody to know. Oh, and I am horrified (well, not really - it kinda makes me laugh) when one of us sings Broadway show tunes in elevators full of people. But that's another story.

I have developed a kind of different and complicated understanding of DID over the years. It's not important here, but mostly what is important is how we feel about how we are. I had all sorts of questions about my diagnosis after I received it and was never satisfied with my therapist's assurances until I got a new one (therapist) who told me that the diagnosis really doesn't matter because all it is is a tool to help guide him in his treatment. What matters is how we are and how we feel and how we function. So, if you really think - I mean really and truly - that you are manipulative and you actually have a bad character, then that is what you should talk about in therapy. Open up a discussion about that with your therapist since it bothers you and see what s/he says.

And, I know this is very hard and it feels like you're living in hell now. But if it helps at all, I have been where you are and I cannot imagine my life without my insiders. I am so grateful for them. And even though my journey has been very difficult, it really has shaped me in ways nothing else could have.

 

[Keen]

Thank you so much, everyone. I really appreciate everyones thoughts, suggestions, and reccommendations, and especially the support and to know these worries and feelings and everything I'm experiencing is normal.

I also had an appt with my T today, which helped. She said it makes total sense you'd feel shame and assume you were acting when you see your body behaving in ways that don't match what you value.
She also said those who are faking an illness like DID are happy to behave in stereotypical ways and to get a diagnosis, they don't feel confusion, worry, shame, guilt, and depression about it.
It helped me feel better some.

 

[talon]

Guys, I could really use your thoughts right now. This is for anyone with DID who have some parts they're...

It seems very real to me as you describe like an out of body experience looking in on a session where you are not invited . I would not be concerned as it all makes sense to me. Writing down feelings help and is a good way of communication with alters when you are not around. will keep in touch