Dad (abuser) sent me a birthday card signed with his actual name

[shimmerz]

I'm suspicious that he's doing it to look good or to satisfy his parents

Yes, this would fall under the realm of narc/psychopathic reasoning. Always a show. Nothing comes from the heart because there is no heart.

And yeah, you need to stay away from him period. Everything he sends you, any communication you have is a form of attachment. It is literally hard (and then cathartic) to signify a break with the attachment by refusing/destroying/burying/feeding to you dog (scratch that, that is a horrible thing to do to a dog) anything that he sends you.

Especially if you feel he is sending it because you give him a means to impress others.

Oh, and really, save yourself the pain of trying to understand this stuff from people like him. You literally will never be able to figure them. Their thought patterns are nothing that you will ever be able to relate to.

 

[Muttly]

Psychopaths are rarely passive aggressive though. They have no interest in worrying about what others think of them so passive is not something they usually fall into. Also, a psychopath most likely wouldn't put themselves out there to send a card. They wouldn't give a shit about your birthday. .

Well... I am going to disagree with this a bit. Ok, getting more personal than I usually get. My dad considers me his property (ugh ugh ugh). So in his own warped way he gives a shit. Not that it's my birthday and he's wishing me well, but it's my birthday and it's a chance to try to reel me back in. And it's a way to pretend to be the good, wounded, father that's being neglected by his off-spring. And he will do the passive-aggressive thing, not because he gives a crap about what other people think. But because it's a way to manipulate. He's tried threats. He's tried blatant coercion. The passive-aggressive stuff used to work for the mother, lets try that.

Is that what it was about? Who knows. But given what I've read in the post, I wouldn't be surprised if it's some crazed crap like that.

@littleoc Every time I get a birthday or christmas card from my father, I tell myself to throw it away without opening it. I never do. And you know what, I doubt I ever will. Because I still consider him a threat. He's probably given up? But then he still sends those damn cards. I want to know what's in them. I want to discern what I can from them because it helps me be prepared. I got great advice in another thread about the difference between vigilance and hypervigilance. When it comes to my dad, I am vigilant. Maybe he's too old and tired to come get me but if the opportunity presents itself to push my buttons or do whatever freaky thing he wants to me comes up, he'd take. So, that's a long winded answer as to why you might have put so much energy into figuring out why he called himself by his name

How long until I feel okay with having natural affection for my dad while accepting that he's incredibly dangerous, no matter how stupid he is??

About 5 years ago I cut contact with the Dad. My last email to him was me outlining some of the things he had done and telling him I didn't give a shit about the will. He had told me he would cut me out, if I didn't contact him. He still has my address and phone number. I don't respond to any contact from him. He tried harder earlier on. My remaining family, brother and sister-in-law joined in on trying to get me back. They did a lot of nasty stuff and I cut contact with them. My brother still contacts me. I don't respond. And I'm a lot less tangled up than I was about my dad. I have less affection than I did. Time has made me realize that some of my affection was more... a child's need for love. I do value the things he taught me. The sports and trips we used to take, some of them were good times in spite of his shittiness. It's sad I had to lose that. It's ok that I feel sad about that. It's ok if a part of me still wishes he could be someone decent and be a dad. The dad he could be for bits of time on this trips or when we were out throwing a football. But it has gotten so much better. Hang in there.

 

[shimmerz]

So in his own warped way he gives a shit. Not that it's my birthday and he's wishing me well, but it's my birthday and it's a chance to try to reel me back in.

That's him giving a shit about him, not you. So he is using you to further his own gains. That isn't passive aggressive, that's covert aggressive. There is a huge difference. Covert aggressive is much more dangerous if you don't know their MO.

Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality

Not attempting to be combative at all. Knowing the difference, for me between the two has really helped me gain perspective in some very serious issues I have had interpersonally and am hoping it may help someone else.

This is another really good link on Passive Aggressive. The way he describes it is so clear.
When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive

 

[Muttly]

@shimmerz Thanks for the link. I can't fully take it in right now, but do intend to read it when I am more rested. I think it will be helpful.

I guess going back to the beginnings of this thread, I would suggest that @littleoc named as a potential passive-aggressive might also be a covert-aggressive tactic and that possibility shouldn't be ruled out.

 

[Gs172003]

Good grief. Does it really matter what his tactics are?

He's not good for you. He destroyed your childhood. He's not helping you he's harming you. The best thing to do is not analyze why he's doing what he's doing and just take it with a grain of salt and move on as freaking hard as it is. He's not worth it.
Sorry if that's harsh.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, @Muttly -- that was helpful to read. I'm glad I may be able to successfully cut him out. Birthday cards as a tool is pretty messed up.

And thank you for the link, @shimmerz -- I read through them. They remind me much more of my ex than of my dad. My dad does do stuff like that, though. Blame shifting and stuff... anyway, thank you for the links! :)

@Zoogal It doesn't feel harsh, no worries. I think you're right, also (but even if I didn't think that, you're not harsh).

My reaction to what you have posted is simply this: I would have dropped the envelope, unopened...

I should probably stop opening his letters. I kind of wish he didn't know where I lived :/

Thank you, @Freida . I'll be safe :) I'll deal with him from... the length of a 50ft pole?

 

[katz]

I sure can relate. My dad bought me a heart shaped box of candy for Valentines day! Yuck! (I tossed it, of course)

 

[Muttly]

@katz Yeah, that sounds very yuck.

 

[littleoc]

I sure can relate. My dad bought me a heart shaped box of candy for Valentines day! Yuck! (I tossed it, of...

Ah!! That's awkward!

One of my friends got langerie from her not-abuse dad on accident once -- they were in a rose shape in a plastic container, so he thought it was just a fabric rose. That was funny, though, not disturbing as it would be from most dads of people around THIS site. *shrug*

Glad you threw it out!

 

[TruthSeeker]

The envelope had no return address (it hasn't for a long time) and he signed it with "I love you! -Dad...

Your family can drive you crazy and make you think bad thoughts....just remember they have the problem.

A Sharing: My 2017 Family sicko head game:
Setting: My birthday in mid-December...I'm alone on my birthday....daughter just got off the phone after having a fit.....again, the .phone rings.....past abusive narcissistic brother who recently kidnapped my 98 y/o sober father for $ from my home (who had lived with me the 9 prior years), calls and says in a monotone voice....while drunk. "I called to wish you a happy birthday but I'm not going to sing you a happy birthday song like I have in the past, No not this year. Maybe I will next year." "Okay I say (like after kidnapping our father, I care). Then my father calls a few min. later, I told him I'd be coming up the next day to visit him, as it was the weekend, and he said in a very drunken voice, "I called to wish you a happy birthday, and to let you know I'm not giving birthday presents or Christmas presents this year. Your brother thinks I shouldn't so I'm not going to give you money this year" "Okay, thank you. I'm grateful for what I have," I say. "Thanks for calling...goodbye." (Then I get off phone and scream and throw whatever is in my hands-that was $10,000 I had been told to plan on for the holiday.......as I just moved into a new house, purchased for an old person, to his specifications, and had more house than I needed and no father to go with it....just all of his furniture, clothes, and belongings in his two water-view rooms across the hall and orders to move his shit myself (age 61) to his new home by brother...... Now, after getting house in order, I'm financially in the hole....but I can be grateful that I live in a nice house that he'll never see, planned for him to die in (but won't) and it is I, now, who view the birds, and the animals, and the river..Silver lining....I have never been alone....and the view is gorgeous to wake up to and I never dreamed a divorce would plant me in such a pretty place.....and I have no responsibilities but me. Its kinda weird how it's turned out.

I try to think that they are so crazy, they can't help themselves...it makes me feel better about how I turned out. ;)

You definitely aren't alone! I try to feel sorry for them.....they can't help being jerks. It makes them as family, to me, feel not so heavy. Not so much of a mental burden. Not so angry at the things they have done. I know they don't love me....they don't know how.

 

[littleoc]

I try to think that they are so crazy, they can't help themselves...it makes me feel better about how I turned out. ;)

So true.

Also, you deserved that nice house anyway! What a crazy situation, though. Thank you so much for sharing, it has helped me

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks for validating my crazies...a sad lot. .I learned from this past BDay experience to carefully plan my holidays (Christmas Day was next) with people I feel good about and know aren't going to turn weird on me, and hang with trusted souls who felt good about themselves.....leaving Mr. Cellphone off and put away, and actively leaving my house to go somewhere. That made 100% difference....and the relatives I stayed with wouldn't answer the phone calls from crazies if that were to happen! Designed the day for success. That is so sad when you have to go out of your way to exclude the majority of your family from a special day you wish you could share, but it is far better than having another day in my life that they crapped up and enjoyed doing so! I'm trying to make good memories=make good feelings where there have been predictably bad ones. No need to gear up depression at the holiday.....it isn't necessary. No need to answer mail the week of anything special....I got a PO Box for that reason. I can let the mail sit and if it overflows, the Post Office will take care of it.