Dad did it... please help me

[siniang]

I think the clincher was one of the most vivid nightmares I ever had of being molested and he was the molester in the dream. By vivid I mean I remember what I was wearing down to the exact socks design and the room, the type of windows, it was raining, etc. the only hazy part is what exactly he did to me.

I have extremely vivid dreams about many things . Heck, I've dreamed before - multiple times actually - about having intimacy/sex with my boss. I'm happily married and still have those kind of dreams and I'm 5000% sure nothing ever happened or will happen. I do have nightmares about my initial trauma - but I also do remember that trauma. And I do have a very vivid imagination to begin with.

Dreams are weird. You'd be surprised how much our subconscious picks up during the day and processes it, in all possible twisted ways, in dreams. The theme of children being sexually abused is a constant in our media these days. It comes up here in the forum and other social media. You've been following the thought of your dad molesting you - it's not surprising that the theme comes up in your dreams. Kind of in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way.

While nightmares is one of the possible intrusion symptoms for PTSD, I'd personally be very very careful to put too much emphasis on them (alone).

I'm not trying to invalidate you or your trauma. It could have been this. It couldn't have been this. I agree with the others that planting this seed in your head without any factual evidence is not only unethical, but actually dangerous .

My trauma? I will never know who did it and what his intentions were. Yes, this is tough, extremely hard to accept for me actually, but this is something I have to come to terms with and go from there. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't >really< matter (yep, I know, having even the chance of closure denied sucks BIG time). The symptoms are there regardless. The suffering is there regardless. And that is what the T should help you with.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this this way :( All the best for you :hug:

 

[Freida]

Ya--- your T wanted to help but went about it the wrong way. Doesn't mean shes necessarily a bad T - but the idea that she is telling you what happened rather than helping you figure it out is ...not good.

I had a lot of stuff come up as we worked thru my trauma -- My T handled it by telling me to trust my memories. So of course I told her I was delusional and just making crap up. :laugh: I mean, how would we know if it was a real memory or not?

Her take is that a "real' trauma memory comes with a physical reaction. So that's how I judge them. I look at it and ask "how do I feel". Usually if my hands hurt or I want to puke I can call it a true memory. If I look at it and think..meh... and nothing in my body reacts? Probably not true. So when you think of your dad being your molester -- what does your body tell you?
What does it tell you when you think of being molested but don't try to attach a name/face? Do you get the same reaction? Might be something to explore while you try to sort this out.

You could just ask your T -- why did you tell me that? Isn't it kind of a violation? See what she has to say for herself?

 

[Sideways]

Her take is that a "real' trauma memory comes with a physical reaction.

Mostly I think this is an excellent rule of thumb. I had pretty visceral physical reactions about my dad for quite some time though. They went away with time (took over a year) when I realised I needed to step away, that I wasn’t actually certain any more.

It’s such a difficult thing for a T to successfully navigate - helping us come to terms with our past, without influencing the way we remember things.

My current T is pretty stand-offish, and even the things that I’m absolutely certain about? She still uses careful language, about it being “my” truth. Because even the most accurate memories? Are oftentimes not particularly accurate. With children, things like recalling the size of a scary person (or dog!), or a playground they absolutely loved is a good example: go back as a fully grown adult and that person actually isn’t so gigantic after all, and that slippery slide isn’t hundreds of metres into the sky the way we’re so sure it was.

Any kind of suggestion can lead the brain to draw ever-more inaccurate conclusions. In the trauma program I’ve done a few times as an inpatient, talking about personal trauma experiences between patients is flat out banned, because of the brain’s propensity to use that information to fill in blanks, and the high risk of patients ending up with vivid ‘memories’ that actually belong to someone else entirely. Once the brain has decided “this must be the truth”, all sorts of things can be added to that, including physical sensations of what it would have been like, because your brain already has an idea of what those sensations would be like from other experiences.

I think maybe just step back from it for a while. I’d be nervous about going back to this T at all, since this is incredibly harmful practice, and it’s far too easy, and you’re far too vulnerable, to risk your recovery with someone who is going to do more damage than help. The last thing you need is to go through the pain of recovering from trauma that may not even be real.

 

[siniang]

Nevermind. Probably best not to open this can of worms at this point

 

[Jade-]

Wow,after "about 5 sessions" and not only being told you were molested for sure but also possibly by your father. That's some scary and unethical stuff @Smile .

5 sessions is just beginning therapy.If that's how it's starting out I can't imagine what it will be like after a year,or even 6 months from now.It could end up being more harmful than helpful at this rate.

 

[crowningglory19]

The subconscious many times knows something that the conscious doesn't either because we were too young or stifled the memory. It is possible it happened and possible it was your Dad, but there is no way to prove it or feel the satisfaction of responding to him since he's dead now. Either way, it is most important that you work on healing and looking to your future rather than focusing on something you can't change or respond to. Sadly many times it is the Dad, but there are many other times it is a boyfriend, uncle, brother, ... even a lady. But, I am glad you are going to a good counselor! What has helped many in ptsd and depression/anxiety is taking magnesium and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts and feelings so you can heal better. Here's to a better future for you! <3

 

[talon]

I always “knew” that something had happened to me when I was a child. Always felt I was molested. Ive seen quite a few T’s because I have panic disorder (more recently, about 6 years ago, diagnosed with PTSD) and I’ve asked them all if they can tell me if I was molested, after presenting them with all the facts. But not one T would say for certain. They’d say things like “it’s possible but you don’t have a clear memory of it” or “it’s probably just a series of small traum

as”. None of these felt like the truth to me and it was SO frustrating. They’re reactions/responses made me feel like I was being a drama queen & making stuff up for attention. Which is something I absolutely HATE because my mother is like that. Being all passive aggressive just to get the reaction that she’s really a hero.

But recently I started seeing a psychiatrist who also has a therapist in his office. I could never afford his prices but luckily he accepts Medicare, which I have so for what feels like the first time in my life, I’m being seen by the best doctors who confer, discuss my situation and the psychiatrist is actually AGAINST medication! I feel like I’ve hit a gold mine!
So a few weeks ago the T told me that she’s 100% sure that I was sexually molested. Although it felt dirty, I also felt extremely validated. Finally someone who believes me and sees the signs. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that I am a poster child for PTSD.

In our last session which was 2 weeks ago, I shared more of my life with her (I’ve only had had about 5 sessions so far) & she told me that it’s highly probable that it was my father that did this to me.
Wow. Of all the men in my life, I didn’t want it to be him. We weren’t close, I ignored him for most of my life until he died 12 years ago. But still, he’s my father.

I don’t know what to do with this. I’ve definitely separated my emotions from it (dissociated perhaps?) because when I discuss it with the few people I have entrusted, I don’t feel any emotions. Which I’m glad for because I think it would look quite ugly if I felt it all. As it is I’ve started drinking again (I was an alcoholic about 15 years ago for around 5-7 years). I’m not drinking as heavily as I used to but every time thoughts about this pop into my head... I drink.

He’s dead so I can’t confront him. My mom has a heart condition so I ask tell her and see her reaction... if maybe she knows something. I’ve asked her twice in the past, when I was scouring my brain for who it could of been, if she thought it could of been my father, her husband. Both times she said no but... she’s not emotionally/mentally stable or healthy herself & I always feel like she’s keeping something from me. Either consciously or subconsciously because she’s veeery good at making believe bad things never happened.

Even as I write this, I’m not actually FEELING it. Just writing from the logical part of my brain. Telling a story about someone else. Because this is so cliche.

My question is what do I do with this? I know it’s possible that in my next T session we can decide it was someone else but for now I have this. And aside from ignore it, I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t cried, haven’t gotten angry with him because, well it’s not real to me. The only that’s changed is all my anxiety, ocd, unhealthy stuff has gotten worse.

Anyone else been in a similar situation that can give me some... ANY advice? I think maybe I’m looking for a way to make this real to me. So that I can feel & get on with things. On the other hand, I’m petrified that when my emotional side catches up with this info, I’ll go mad. Lose the last shreds of my sanity.

So I know I sound conflicted. And I’m not sure I’m being clear (hope I am). But if any of you get this, please help.



Thanks :)

My abusers are dead so they cannot hurt me anymore . I have come to understand that the best revenge is to get better. I cannot change the past or the future but today is a gift which is why we call it the present. If your mother knows the truth but cannot or will not reveal the facts then she needs to know that she is equally to blame . The reality is that you are not a victim you are a survivor otherwise you would not be here . I wish you well and i hope you find peace and happiness in helping others . It is good to share because there are thousands of us living a life and wanting answers to questions that need answers . If it was your Dad who abused you would it help to know because he is gone so you cannot get revenge or justice and you will only torment yourself to the point that if he did abuse you he continues to do so by controlling your thoughts and emotions daily. Be free of your past look to the future and share your love with others who need support and bring comfort to them in knowing you and we are not alone and together we can win

 

[Pauline]

I am in the same situation as you I have heart condition and I was molested as child I will never have a full picture of my abuse but what's I have is regression and deep fear extreme self harm tendency and memory gaps you may never get the full picture of who did what to you and what I learnt on here is your brain might not what to know but the good thing is that the body remembers the inner child remembers and the body never forgets listen to you body work with it appreciate the dissociation it's protecting you and when time is right everything will present itself maybe work with yourself first see what comes up I know my father possibly did something to me when I was younger as I have huge grief wanting to be a little girl with my daddy and try to recreate that part of my childhood inside of my I confronted him he denied it but abusers deny and can still have loved you it's a sick twisted world we live in sad thing is I will never be able to have my father and being that's little girl again that is the grief I am struggling with at the moment I still have huge amounts of healing but I am very grateful for my dissociation it protects me from everything I hope my advice helps just a little keep strong and patient the body knows what it's doing even if the mind does not

 

[joeylittle]

Before you say this with utter certainty, let me just tell you that she based it on little snippets I told her about my dad. I think the clincher was one of the most vivid nightmares I ever had of being molested and he was the molester in the dream....Does that change your response? I’m asking honestly because if I take what you’ve said seriously than, at the least, I need to stop seeing her.

I'm sorry to say that this info about the dream makes it (in my mind) more likely she has fabricated her certainty and diagnosis.

Oh god, this is so hard. She was the first T I ever had who told me in no uncertain terms that I had been molested. I felt like I was on the road to recovery.

I'm sure she knew this is a big part of what you have been struggling with, and unfortunately, it's likely she told you what you wanted to hear.

Doesn't mean she did it maliciously - but her actions (for whatever reason she took them) have revealed she doesn't understand what therapy is/how it works/boundaries and ethics.

Other people have said this, I just want to underscore it: dreams can't be trusted to provide information. It doesn't matter how realistic they seem, how vivid, or even how close to actual events they are. They are part of the human sleep cycle, and they incorporate our conscious and sub-conscious thoughts, fears, emotions, experiences. Whether or not we remember them has to do with the depth of our sleep and the way we transition out of the sleep cycle - remembering a dream doesn't indicate that the dream was important, or "real" in some way.

You've given compelling reasons - ways - by which the symptoms you've experienced could be interpreted differently. In other words - they could result from something other than having been sexually abused by your father. I want to be careful and clear here: I'm not saying you were or weren't. But a competent therapist would not jump to that conclusion so quickly, without you having a secure memory of an event. She's projecting. You deserve to be able to find recovery. And no matter how you get there - the only thing that will matter is that you get there authentically.

What she's doing is dangerous, and could make things worse. It definitely won't make things better.

 

[Skywatcher]

I would never trust the “who” in my dreams. Recently, I had to fight off an attacker—just a man with my rapist’s smirk and my dream therapist is a horrible bitch. None of this stuff is literal, ever. Because I had some repressed memories come up in emdr, my therapist was extremely careful not to plant anything. It was frustrating. Finally, after two years, it’s mostly figured out—by me. I imagine it was frustrating for her, especially with all of the csa signs.

 

[katz]

I actually told on my father. The whole family yelled at me and traumatized me further. So I started looking for proof for myself. I started reading books on what to look for, and signs to watch for in myself.

Then slowly, as I got older. I decided that I wanted proof - for me- and me only. I started looking for other things to "check on". Things that had nothing to do with my family or what I "thought" I remembered. As I was able to find things that I was sure that I couldn't make up, I was able to convince myself that all of this was real. I made sure to write it all down so when I quit believing myself or someone says that it "can't be true" - I can go back and read my notes. The handwritten ones. That are in my writing and no one elses.

Then I can "reconvince" myself that "I" am right and not what anyone else tells me.

 

[Smile]

I actually told on my father. The whole family yelled at me and traumatized me further. So I started looking for proof for myself. I started reading books on what to look for, and signs to watch for in myself.

Then slowly, as I got older. I decided that I wanted proof - for me- and me only. I started looking for other things to "check on". Things that had nothing to do with my family or what I "thought" I remembered. As I was able to find things that I was sure that I couldn't make up, I was able to convince myself that all of this was real. I made sure to write it all down so when I quit believing myself or someone says that it "can't be true" - I can go back and read my notes. The handwritten ones. That are in my writing and no one elses.

Then I can "reconvince" myself that "I" am right and not what anyone else tells me.

Can I ask you to explain further what you mean about “the proof” you looked into for yourself?

Thanks & good on you!