Dark intrusive thoughts...

[Rachel541]

Hi, I've been having constant dark intrusive thoughts. I am unsure if I can write them on here.. IWTD and IWTKMS. Has anyone else had this happen? They are quite frequent and constant. I am currently in therapy for abuse over 10 yrs (in every category). It feels really relentless at the moment - feeling alone and hoping there are others who feel similar.

 

[Sideways]

Suicidal thoughts are part of the ptsd package for a lot of us. And talking about those thoughts is okay, and a good way to process them.

We do have to draw the line at posts that go into the territory of intent to suicide. We cannot offer crisis support here.

But falling short of that? Yes, talk it through.

Do you have a T? And do they know how tough things are for you right now?

Separately, do you have a Safety Plan of any kind you can refer to?

 

[Rachel541]

Suicidal thoughts are part of the ptsd package for a lot of us. And talking about those thoughts is okay, and a good way to process them.

We do have to draw the line at posts that go into the territory of intent to suicide. We cannot offer crisis support here.

But falling short of that? Yes, talk it through.

Do you have a T? And do they know how tough things are for you right now?

Separately, do you have a Safety Plan of any kind you can refer to?

No there isn't intent. The intrusive thoughts have just been constant and I wasn't sure if others had that too. Sometimes it's almost as if the thoughts aren't mine - as weird as that might sound. Yeah I have a T. I emailed them over the weekend to let them know about the intrusive thoughts, flashbacks etc. My safety plan is to let m T or partner know if the thoughts escalate.

 

[arfie]

i am thrilled to report that i am not currently plagued by this phenom, but they have been such a solid part of my life that i know, intimately, of what you speak and will not be terrifically surprised if the phenom rears its ugly head later today.

the psychotherapy tool which works best for me is, "creative channeling." i channel those dark, intrusive thoughts into stories, artwork, music, etc. as i channel, i often indulge in a fantasy or three of clive barker and m. night shyamalan alerting their agents that a new competitor has arrived.

 

[OM_™]

Hi, I've been having constant dark intrusive thoughts. I am unsure if I can write them on here.. IWTD and IWTKMS. Has anyone else had this happen? They are quite frequent and constant. I am currently in therapy for abuse over 10 yrs (in every category). It feels really relentless at the moment - feeling alone and hoping there are others who feel similar.

So sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I have been diagnosed as having C-PTSD and MDD and have had dark intrusive thoughts starting at about 5yo because of family violence; suicidal ideation from the age of 11 or 12 because of CSA. I call it 'the darkness' and yes it sometimes feels as if the thoughts are not mine. I used to dissociate as an adolescent and well into my 20's and needed therapy just to negotiate intimacy. That was 40 years ago and back then the therapist just finished up saying, the CSA happened when you were a boy, you are a grown man now (in summary, Get over it!). It was harsh and as a result I have felt alone for most of my life.

In Australia, we had a Royal Commission into institutional CSA (my CSA was not institutional but committed by a family friend) and seeing CSA on the news every night was giving me flashbacks and nightmares that were so intrusive that for the past 10 years, I only slept for about 3-4 hours a night.

Suicidal ideation returned and I needed about 20 - 30 sessions with a psychologist to take the darkness back a few notches.

I'm 68yo now and have recently been having therapy with a psychiatrist along with an antidepressant. My sleep is now at 5-6 hours a night and I am having a 30-minute session every fortnight to dicuss/tackle the darkness. I asked if I could have a one hour session but she insisted that 30 minutes was enough to process. I'm guessing that she does not want to me talk to the point of becoming disturbed by my own thoughts being repeated.

Rachel541, just know that you are not alone!

 

[Quassus]

I don't want to KMS and I don't want to die...but I often feel I don't want to live. Sometimes it's good to recognize the difference.

 

[OM_™]

I don’t want to live…like this!

 

[Friday]

Something I’ve learned to accept is that if I’m symptomatic? I’m going to be suicidal as fawk.

The first time I was hit with PTSD-Everything, I acted on those impulses, the same way I acted on all instinct. That I survived those years was pure damn luck, rather than skill. Once I emerged from them? My suicide plan baaaasically became one great big “delaying action”. Something that would buy me enough time to want to live, again, if possible; as past experience taught me that yes, that does happen. What’s true NOW? May damn well NOT be true in 5 minutes, months, or years. That just because I want to die? Doesn’t mean I have to action that plan. I also want a yacht. And super sexy belly. WANTING a thing? Is both different from making it happen… and… isn’t enough to make it happen. I have to put serious energy towards making ANYTHING I WANT to happen, happen. So? Put my energy towards things with intention.

^^^That ended up with me creating rules for me’self around suicide. Like? If I want to kill myself? FIRST I have to change EVERYTHING in my life. It’s a tremendous backstop, because I’m almost never willing to walk away from everyone I love, everything I own, etc. because “reasons”. But? If I died I would lose ALL of those things. So being willing to walk away from all of it? People, Job, Home, etc. and do something entirely different, in a different part of the world? IS step 1, for me. I have to do that first, before moving down the next series of steps.

 

[OM_™]

I agree with you fully FRIDAY (moderator), that's why I added "...like this" to Rachel541's thread.

Don't say "I WANT TO DIE!" Instead say "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!" That gives your brain an option to find ways of living that you find helpful and move you towards a life that is less triggering.

The way you use words is so important. That is what NLP is all about. Semantics can kill you.

 

[bungle2234]

hi i have those kinda thoughts all the time i cant tell anyone even at work they couldnt care les even as i write this im having thoughts my girlfriend tries to help but if i mention anything at work the phrase suck it up is used they think im using ptsd as an excuse to go home sick . if i could let then into my head for 10 mins to let them see what its like

 

[OM_™]

relentless at the moment - feeling alone

Hey Rachel541, just catching up on how you're going and hoping that you’re not feeling alone?

 

[York]

I wake up some mornings saying darn I'm still alive. Got to do another day. I bought a shirt that says : what if it all works out? Sometimes I think I stay around just to prove it won't work out. Childish I know. Other times I can't figure out a fool proof way to do it. I feel condemned to live.