There are good days, days that I can look up into the sky and laugh or breathe a sigh of a relief. Even those days are clouded by an inpending darkness that follows. Humanity itself gets me down, then the darkness calls. Then it fills me with anger and frustration. Generally it is followed with a dissociative episode or a flashback. I replay some of the experiences over and over again, seeking an answer as to why. Why, what did I do. I was so young... Now I wish to piss on a tombstone of the son of a bitch that did this to me and no doubt the one before that. The darkness calls to me, it wraps me in the warmth of its cold embrace. But I know I must march on, I must fight as I always have had to. Darkness calls and I have no choice, i cannot refuse to answer darkness anser for me.
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Darkness Calls...
- Post starter Jyar
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ms spock
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It is good to see you have started your diary Jyar.
Lady of Longbourn
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Congratulations on starting your diary. :)
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Quic,
The journey I am now on began with my darkness. I appreciate your kind words about the GOOD within. I know that the "goodness" is there. Being a man of science & math, I understand that there is a balance for everything. For every positive mathematical equation there is an equal negative equation that balances out. Much as the great Sir Isaac Newton once said: For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
I know that I am capable of amazing feats of kindness and philanthropy. I have thought of ways to change this world for the better. And not in a beauty pageant save the world wishful thinking kind of way either. I'm talking the real McCoy. Cheap energy, abundant healthy food for all, the end of the ism's.
It is during the darkness that I find my opposite. In essence, I find my balance to be death. When I think of the sacrifices my military brothers and sisters make on a daily basis for this country, and how shitty people treat them in return. my blood boils. when i see the monster of Ohio that held those three women captive for over a decade and the officials that could have just done their jobs. My blood burns so cold that whispers from my mouth can cut a person deeply to the center of their soul. I'd rather drag a killer behind the chemical shed and double tap then spend hundreds of thousands per lifetime per inmate. Even now as I type this out I think of all those people that we have locked away draining tax money for mass killing sprees. End them all and be done with it.
Quic, this is why I am seeking consoling and therapy. I hate these thoughts, this disturbed balance. I know there is good somewhere inside me. I need help, professional help, to deal with the darkness and to work through the issues and traumas that brought me to this point.
The journey I am now on began with my darkness. I appreciate your kind words about the GOOD within. I know that the "goodness" is there. Being a man of science & math, I understand that there is a balance for everything. For every positive mathematical equation there is an equal negative equation that balances out. Much as the great Sir Isaac Newton once said: For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
I know that I am capable of amazing feats of kindness and philanthropy. I have thought of ways to change this world for the better. And not in a beauty pageant save the world wishful thinking kind of way either. I'm talking the real McCoy. Cheap energy, abundant healthy food for all, the end of the ism's.
It is during the darkness that I find my opposite. In essence, I find my balance to be death. When I think of the sacrifices my military brothers and sisters make on a daily basis for this country, and how shitty people treat them in return. my blood boils. when i see the monster of Ohio that held those three women captive for over a decade and the officials that could have just done their jobs. My blood burns so cold that whispers from my mouth can cut a person deeply to the center of their soul. I'd rather drag a killer behind the chemical shed and double tap then spend hundreds of thousands per lifetime per inmate. Even now as I type this out I think of all those people that we have locked away draining tax money for mass killing sprees. End them all and be done with it.
Quic, this is why I am seeking consoling and therapy. I hate these thoughts, this disturbed balance. I know there is good somewhere inside me. I need help, professional help, to deal with the darkness and to work through the issues and traumas that brought me to this point.
So much of what I read from you reminds me of myself. I too am a man of math and science, a father of young children and have a similar inner dialogue. It is somehow reassuring to see another person dealing with the same struggle. I will keep an eye on you and wish you peace and happiness.
The one idea I hope you will hold onto is that you CAN recover enough to create the happy mental balance you wish for. So many people live in darkness and never even realize it. You are capable of healing and change because you are aware enough to differentiate between those dark ideas and what you want your life to be. Good luck in your therapy.
We are all immensely creative beings, with the ability to manifest whatever is in our heart, soul or mind. Every thought, feeling, and emotional reaction is from you and a part of you. As men of science and math we may tend to ignore the peaceful, creative, beauty that is inherently part of all of us.
The one idea I hope you will hold onto is that you CAN recover enough to create the happy mental balance you wish for. So many people live in darkness and never even realize it. You are capable of healing and change because you are aware enough to differentiate between those dark ideas and what you want your life to be. Good luck in your therapy.
We are all immensely creative beings, with the ability to manifest whatever is in our heart, soul or mind. Every thought, feeling, and emotional reaction is from you and a part of you. As men of science and math we may tend to ignore the peaceful, creative, beauty that is inherently part of all of us.
- Post starter
- #9
Quic,
It is as reassuring for me as it is for you to know that someone else out there has the same inner conversations and conflicts.
I to shall keep an eye on you to make sure everything is on the up and up.
It isn't the fact that I cannot see beauty in others. As men of science and math we can find beauty in numbers and harmony in Newtons laws and O'Connells quantum super position.
It's when people somehow manage to betray the chaos theory, and act as they have for the past millennia. It's enough to drive me into a state of anxiety spun so fastley and deeply into a rage that I have no choice but to find a place of peace. Usually with my daughter and wife in my arms, in the peace and serenity of my home.
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anthony
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Why can you no longer post in this section?
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