Hello everyone. I'm here because I just recently have started dating a man who is a combat veteran with PTSD. We've really hit it off and things seem to be going really well, and we recently had our first sexual experience together. But instead of being very chatty and communicative like he normally is this week, he has seemed very withdrawn and quiet. And noncommunicative. I talked to him on the phone last night and everything seemed fine. But he barely responded to my messages today. I know he goes to a PTSD support group at the VA, and they've already been asking him to become a counselor. He seems very settled and happy and has two children that he takes care of full-time. Is his recent behavior something that is common amongst people with PTSD?
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Relationship Dating A Combat Vet With Ptsd, Have Question
- Post starter MelBB87
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AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
Welcome to the Forum!
I can't answer the question specifically, because I never dated anyone who had Combat PTSD. I do know that those of us who struggle with PTSD have trouble with intimacy.
He may be concerned that having sex has changed the relationship into one of commitment and expectations. Did you discuss how it would affect your relationship?
He may be worried that you may now expect more than he is ready to give?
I have chosen to remain single, and celibate, after 4 marriages, and NO successful relationships. I had children from my 2nd marriage, and found that it was difficult to date due to not wanting to bring a man, or men, to meet them.
That situation may be a factor in his behavior, or possibly, he is uncomfortable with the "heart" aspect of having sex, or making love. Being vulnerable is hard for many men, even those without PTSD.
I hope that you will get some good input, better than mine!
I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that you have found an AWESOME site for support! You will find acceptance, compassion, and understanding without judgement.
Blessings to you!'
AKJ
I can't answer the question specifically, because I never dated anyone who had Combat PTSD. I do know that those of us who struggle with PTSD have trouble with intimacy.
He may be concerned that having sex has changed the relationship into one of commitment and expectations. Did you discuss how it would affect your relationship?
He may be worried that you may now expect more than he is ready to give?
I have chosen to remain single, and celibate, after 4 marriages, and NO successful relationships. I had children from my 2nd marriage, and found that it was difficult to date due to not wanting to bring a man, or men, to meet them.
That situation may be a factor in his behavior, or possibly, he is uncomfortable with the "heart" aspect of having sex, or making love. Being vulnerable is hard for many men, even those without PTSD.
I hope that you will get some good input, better than mine!
I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that you have found an AWESOME site for support! You will find acceptance, compassion, and understanding without judgement.
Blessings to you!'
AKJ
Hi There,
I have been dating my vet for four months now so I understand your confusion. There have been several times in the past 4 months that communication has taken a dip, he has pushed me away and isolated himself - only for two days but I know a lot of people on here who haven't had contact for months.
I am presuming but from what you said above he's similar to my vet in terms of seeking therapy and support? This is great news - really it is. What you describes above is completely normal for someone with PTSD, they go through highs and lows in terms of communicating and affection etc. Nearly 100% of the time It has NOTHING to do with you - I promise. They just need some time out here and there to get their thoughts in order, if you haven't already take a look at the PTSD stress cup explanation. Any stress even good stress such as having feelings for you can cause a sufferer of PTSD to withdraw here and there because they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with several thought and feelings at once.
New relationships can be stressful anyway and add PTSD to the mix and it's even more scary and confusing, it's likely he just needs a little bit of space to work on himself and he probably doesn't want to worry you or bother you with what's going on. My best advice to you at this moment in time is to just back off and give him some space, I know this can be really hard because you just want to know if it's you and why he's gone quiet etc. but I can promise you contacting him and persistently getting on his case is the worst thing you can do - I have been there and done that and he pushed me away further until I realized I needed to let him be for a bit.
It's a confusing rollrcoaster for a while but the more you understand the easier being able to back off when they need space becomes.
ALSO another piece of advice that you need to take is ... RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH ... I've read several books, read this forum, listened to podcasts and looked online and although I don't profess to be an expert I have learnt a lot in these past 4 months which has given me tools in understanding and communicating correctly which is key.
Always here if you need to reach out!
- Post starter
- #4
Thank you both so much for you input! I feel so much better, Newtoptsd. He's told me how amazing he thinks I am, that he desires me and thinks we have potential. It was heartbreaking to be pushed after being intimite. I feel like I have more solid answers now, something to hold on to for an explanation. I will give him space and time, and if I don't hear back from him anymore then I guess it wasn't meant to be.
The fact he's said all these things is a good sign, it's more than I've had! I can't talk about futures right now with my vet, he got back from therapy and just needs some time to adjust and work on himself so the future is not to be discussed because it might push him away if he gets scared etc. I know you probably feel dreadful right now especially as he's chosen to back off after the intimacy boundary was broken however ... hang in there. As @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ said ... it might be that he's scared now that you have had sex he's probably worried that your expectations will spike etc. Just give him some time and then if he gets back on track you can both have an honest conversation :)
It's worth saying when you do have an honest conversation that you don't go full throttle on the whole commitment/marriage ideals .... when someone suffers from PTSD in therapy or not they are often scared at the prospect of the future and trusting people. Maybe say you're happy and would like to take things one day at a time and see where it goes?
It's worth saying when you do have an honest conversation that you don't go full throttle on the whole commitment/marriage ideals .... when someone suffers from PTSD in therapy or not they are often scared at the prospect of the future and trusting people. Maybe say you're happy and would like to take things one day at a time and see where it goes?
screen-name
Bronze Member
I have PTSD and trouble with sex. I've never been sexually abused. For some reason it's like I can't understand d how sex and love go together.
If I am not really into someone then I can have sex. I was the queen of one night stands in my younger years. Once I find someone I really care about then I don't want them to want me sexually. I have no good explanation for it but it happens. I get mad if someone I love comes on to me and i have to really work to have both sides in a relationship.
I'm working with a therapist on why I behave how I do in some areas so i have no answer for you. Just know that this probably says nothing about his feelings for you. Maybe y'all can talk about it and he can give you some insight. Unfortunately, it may mean sex is on his terms while he works things out.
Biggest thing I can tell you is to take care of you. I know that I am all over the place sometimes and while I'm figuring it out there have to be relationship boundaries. A way for my partner to not be tossed around with me while not losing the closeness that we've already built. I'm my current relationship that's something we've discussed and worked out so neither of us feel alienated or hurt.
If I am not really into someone then I can have sex. I was the queen of one night stands in my younger years. Once I find someone I really care about then I don't want them to want me sexually. I have no good explanation for it but it happens. I get mad if someone I love comes on to me and i have to really work to have both sides in a relationship.
I'm working with a therapist on why I behave how I do in some areas so i have no answer for you. Just know that this probably says nothing about his feelings for you. Maybe y'all can talk about it and he can give you some insight. Unfortunately, it may mean sex is on his terms while he works things out.
Biggest thing I can tell you is to take care of you. I know that I am all over the place sometimes and while I'm figuring it out there have to be relationship boundaries. A way for my partner to not be tossed around with me while not losing the closeness that we've already built. I'm my current relationship that's something we've discussed and worked out so neither of us feel alienated or hurt.
Hi @screen-name
Thank you so much for your insight, intimacy has never been an issue that I've had to communicate with my vet so I can't currently comment on how or why it might be a hurdle in a relationship so thank you for giving some insight for @MelBB87 . How long have you been with your current partner?
If you can share any advice for supporters who are new to relationships with someone with PTSD that would be so helpful. A lot of us here just need some gentle guidance on some dos and do nots :)
Thank you so much for your insight, intimacy has never been an issue that I've had to communicate with my vet so I can't currently comment on how or why it might be a hurdle in a relationship so thank you for giving some insight for @MelBB87 . How long have you been with your current partner?
If you can share any advice for supporters who are new to relationships with someone with PTSD that would be so helpful. A lot of us here just need some gentle guidance on some dos and do nots :)
Friday
Sponsor
The push-pull, PTSD-Tango, intense-isolate tends to be really normal with PTSD. One of the really common trends is that whenever a stage is jumped? There's a big getting-closer? There tends to be an immediate pulling back. For a lot of different reasons (overwhelmed, good stress is still stress, etc.). Not every sufferer does it, or does it for the same reasons, but if you notice a pattern in your relationship that he pulls back for awhile after anything major? Then that's probably there to stay.
***
ETA... I -no lie- tend to think of the whole thing like the scene from TopGun
Where'd he go?!?
Where'd whoooooooooo go???
Tone.
Meaning just because I can't see someone? Doesn't mean I haven't just lost them in the sun, and they're not still hot, locked on target.
***
ETA... I -no lie- tend to think of the whole thing like the scene from TopGun
Where'd he go?!?
Where'd whoooooooooo go???
Tone.
Meaning just because I can't see someone? Doesn't mean I haven't just lost them in the sun, and they're not still hot, locked on target.
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- Post starter
- #9
We actually didnt even go all the way with sex, just a little. He told he hadn't even been thinking about sex at all until we started dating. He's actually the one who wants a long-term commitment. I have never been in one but I want to be in one. Although... I'm not sure how I feel about marriage and all that stuff just yet. I've barely known him for a month, so I need to take things slow too.
I was reading up on the PTSD stress cup you mentioned and I think that might be what's going on. He's trying to move into a house he just bought and the broker is giving him a hard time. He has two children, and normally he has space and time for me but I'm having a feeling that this stuff about the house is really starting to get to him. He's come to me a couple of times about how he feel stress over it. He may not have the capacity to be able to think about anything but that right now.
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Wow, this is really helpful . I just started dating a war vet with ptsd . This is all very new to me. It is a hard balance between not trusting him and guessing that maybe his anxiety stops him from iniating contact .I go from the not trusting to thinking that the lack of contact and not showing up on a date is all part of the ptsd . That in fact he freezes and can't show up for a date .
Thank you for the advice. This information is very useful .I just recently started dating a war vet ptsd survivor . When we met for the very first time , we looked at each other and new we were soul mates. So, when we were together we are magical but it is the lack of communication when we aren't face to face that is the frustrating part. He will only text occasionally and I found when I started to give up , ping , there was a message from him . I find it difficult to pin down times and places to meet. As soon as I suggest a place and time to meet , he bails .
We had our first sexual encounter and after ,the next day and since then he has gone very quiet .
After reading your response , the lack of communication , the distancing ..etc makes more sense now . This could be a fear of commitment ( he was very hurt from a past relationship )? Or was it because his stress cup is too full and he has trouble letting a new relationship in ? Or could it be that my own emotional, intense , compassionate nature is too much for him at the start ?
I have reread your response a few times , and am now following your advice . I told him I would give him some space , but told him I really liked him so now I will see what happens.
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S
Shorttakes
Hello everyone. I'm here because I dating a combat veteran with diagnosed PTSD. He of which is very messy and seems to be absent minded alot.... to the point that its scary. Loses his keys, wallet, phone constantly. Like every day... is this common from medications associated with ptsd? He tells me how much he cares about me but also tells me im mean and overthink everything when he messes my house, forgets to help me with things, shows up late to everything... the list goes on. All the attention of the relationship is then reverted to me being to hard on him or being "OCD" with cleaning. Drinking is also a factor that seems to make him even more careless about everything. He tells me "ive been shot at, and seen friends faces blown off... i dont care if the dishes are done." He gets very defensive and angry with me when hes drinking... disrepectful at times. Any thoughts. I truley love this man even though weve been together for merely 6 months but i dont want to give up on him..These are such minor things that have blown up into a large problem because its almost everyday.
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- #12
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Yep... sounds like PTSD. Does he have a TBI as well?
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