Relationship Dating A Depressed Vet With Ptsd - Sufferer And Supporter Input Needed

[Mag]

Hello all! I met a man who was a soldier in Iraq for 4 years,about a month ago. We met online. Both looking for long term commitment. He is no longer in the army since 7 years ago. We are both in our late 20's.The first week we were texting every day. He opened up a lot to me, he was very charming, making plans, calling me sweet names, saying he was there for me when I needed him... He told me that he hated it when he was in the army, that he almost killed himself. He told me his ex wife left him with their son when he came back from the army and that it was a very hard time for him. Anyway, we started sending videos of ourselves to each other since we don't live close by. He told me how beautiful and intelligent I was... Then the next day he texted me asking what I was up to.. I told him my plans for the evening and then did not hear back from him for 4 days. I kept sending a few messages, asking if he was ok and that if he was not interested anymore i'd love to stay friends. He answered, Apologizing and saying he had a lot on his mind and a lot of stress.I said I understand. Days passed we would text but I was the one always initiating it. He would say He does not deserve me at times and leave it at that when I asked him why. The communication was not at all like it used to be. I sent him a lengthy email, no answer. Few days later I tried again to get a response from him and to tell me that it was ok if he was not interested he could just tell me. I shared my feelings for him as well. Finally,I had a missed call from him, he then replied with a lengthy message telling me about his uncontrollable depression, that he feels worthless and does not know what to do. That he feels crucified but that instead of being in physical pain he is bleeding emotionally.That he is full of anxiety, self loath and that he hates his reflection in the mirror, he is lost,trapped. He said that he thinks the army did this to him and that he was not like that before, that he used to be free of all this. He said that he wants me to know that he has love for me and checks his email daily in hope of receiving another video from me.He said to not think I am in any way at fault for his sparse and strange behavior, that he wishes he was like he used to be;he'd be able to make me his wife and be fulfilled in every way , that he would die by my side instead of alone because that was the path he is on. I said I was happy that he shared that with me and I felt sad for him to think that way of himself. I can only imagine what he going through...No answer. 2 day later I sent him a short text telling him I was thinking about him and hoping is he having a good day. He told me he was honored by me thinking of him and that i was so beautiful and understanding. Asking me how my day was. I asked him then if we could talk on the phone later maybe. Never answered. Anyway, i texted again for the next few days asking how he was. Silence again. I asked him if maybe we could see each other in person soon. No answer. So again I sent a few lengthy messages,telling how confused I was and did not know what to think... He just said: "You are so amazing.I dont deserve you, I'm sorry. Im even scared to talk to you." So I tried to make him laugh.I did not hear back from him for two days now. I am really confused.I would love to build a future with this man.I felt that he is like no other Any advice are appreciated, please. Should I keep on trying? I also told him that if he wants me to leave him alone to just tell me. But he never said so.I wonder what he is going through in his own mind. Is he scared to hurt my feelings by not telling me he is not interested. Are his depression and anxiety an excuse or he really feels that way?I feel that my needs are not being met as well. That he is ignoring me,I am not giving up because I still feel that he wants me since he never said he did not. He is all I think about everyday now. Is there also anything I can do for him? Should i keep on contacting him? I'm so lost. Does he need me?
Any advice?

 

[Canticle]

Hello all! I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post in this thread so forgive me if not, I am new to this forum....

He has obviously connected with you and your heart has welcomed that embrace. I believe that love is the greatest blessing in life. So I would be willing to swim the icean for the true loves embrace.

He may be suffering from PTSD depression. And if that is the case, he will will need the great abundane of love and kindness to help him through the cycles.

You also need ti take care if you first. So I would advise you to create positive boundarues and love yourself within. I wish the blessing of love and happiness.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hello all! I met a man who was a soldier in Iraq for 4 years,about a month ago. We met online. Both looking...

Hi There,

What you're experience at the moment is very typical behavior of someone with PTSD that has newly opened up to the idea of a relationship. I've experienced some of the behaviors you listed with my vet for the past 4 months. The fact of the matter is he probably does like you but he is not well, he needs to seek therapy and help before he thinks about committing to a relationship. Have a look on here for the PTSD Stress cup, people suffering from PTSD do not have enough emotional capacity to deal with several things in life at once. Any stress even good stress is stress, he has PTSD to get a handle on so having or entering a relationship on top of that can just be too much which is why they isolate.

Do not take him not responding personally, it is 100% not you. Sufferers on here will tell you that most of the time they are not capable of responding to people, they isolate so they don't have to think about anything else but getting themselves back on track. My vet has taken a few days out with no communication but will message me when he feels he can and apologies and say he hasn't been well, when he does this I do not mind and I go about life as normal and I try not to worry. You can always ask him that when he does need space to just let you know and you won't bother him until he's ready to communicate?

I am always the one in my relationship that messages first and calls first ... it's been this way since day 1. This is not something that I mind one bit, he doesn't have the brain space to think about me that much at the moment. I do think in your case you may need to give him some space, trust me giving space is the best gift you can give him if he's not doing very well, the worst thing you can do is continue to message and ask him for answers and put your worries to him. It's hard because this is fairly new but you really do have to take things so so so slow when dating or entering a relationship with someone with PTSD. I would advise you don't enter this relationship if you are dependent on having continuous contact or are in any way codependent. What you're experiencing now is very much the tip of the iceberg, it can get worse. Do lots and lots and lots of research, it won't solve anything but it will enable you to understand a bit more on typical behaviors of someone suffering from PTSD etc.

Sufferers also often feel like they are not deserving of being happy and having a future, they push us away because they also want the best for us and they don't want to burden us with their problems and struggles. If you're strong enough and you think you can handle this for life then that's where you need to be reassuring and constantly tell them you're not going anywhere etc. but only if you are sure.

Is he in therapy do you know?

 

[Mag]

Thank you for the words. I am glad I joined this website for support, I read a lot of helpful discussions. Your comment is very helpful. It's hard not to hear from him and to not take it personally but I have love for him and willing to take the ride. I will follow your advice and give him space. I will tell him exactlty what you said about communication whenever he is ready. I have no idea if he is in therapy, I am not sure how to ask him. He previously told me he had a case open with the VA but I did not ask him more about it...Should I keep on sending him videos of myself; as he said he constently checks his email hoping to receive one, or should I take a break from that as well?

 

[Mag]

Hi There,

What you're experience at the moment is very typical behavior of someone with PTSD that ha...

It is indeed really hard for me not to take it personally. It's so early and we are not committed yet and I can't help but think that he is not interested anymore since he used to text me everyday and telling me all those beautiful things I 'll try to take care of myself and educate myself more about the subject. I sent him a text earlier apologizing if stressed him out and asked too many questions and that I will give him his space until he is ready to communicate again. God is it hard to feel ignored! Do you have any clues why he said that he was scared to even talk to me? Is there anything else I could tell him or I should just wait the time it takes..

He says that he is bleeding emotionnally. That he goes to sleep and wake up and feels like weeks passed by -I am not sure what that means, if anyone knows the feeling I'd appreciate you explaining-He thinks the army did this to him and that he hates it.

Also if that's useful to know that man has been back to civilian life 6 years ago.

Does anyone knows what he means by scared of talking to me when that was not an issue before? How should i react to that? Is there anything I can tell him to reassure him? Although I tried that and did not hear back. He does not even answer me to simple text like "did you receive my video?" and such..I have love for him and want to be there for him on the long run and told him but at this point I am just feeling that he just is not into me and is afraid to hurt my feelings by saying so. What do you'all think?

 

[Benedicte S. Lunde]

I have the same feelings as he does very often. I have C-PTSD. I really belive my boyfriend would be better off. Because of the ptsd, I am the reason why his life is also stuck. I am the reason for all his stress because the stress he has is that he worries about me. So I can really relay to that feeling, that he would be happier with someone else than me. I don't have the energy to write so much, so I hope this is ok? But you can ofc ask more questions... and I will do my best explaining:)

 

[Mag]

I have the same feelings as he does very often. I have C-PTSD. I really belive my boyfriend...

Thank you very much for your input :) I'm sorry that you feel this way, I'm sure your boyfriend is happy to be with you just the way I feel for than man. I do have a few more questions; please don't feel obligated to answer, that's only if you have the strenght to. Why do you think he says he is now scared to even talk to me and does not answer any of my messages anymore? Should I keep on contacting him? I want to be part of his life for good and bad. Is there anything I can tell him that would maybe change his mindset?

 

[feetfirst]

It is indeed really hard for me not to take it personally. It's so early and we are not committed yet and I...

Welcome to being involved with someone with PTSD. You'll never survive unless you learn not to take it personally. His difficulty talking with you and having you in his life is something almost all of us Supporters deal with regularly. What sucks the most is the closer you become, the more he's likely to pull away. It's common for it to be much more difficult for him to interact with you as you become more open, intimate and vulnerable with each other. One of the primary things you'll need to learn for the relationship to work is his inability to have you in his life at times has absolutely nothing to do with you or his feelings for you. It's about not being able to handle the additional stress (positive or negative) you bring to his life. I suggest you read up on the PTSD cup theory. Really grokking that theory can make your life much easier. You're going to have to focus on taking care of yourself and letting him do him, especially when he seems to be struggling the most. Take your time and read around the Supporter Relationships forum. For me, reading the same story repeatedly helped me realize it's not about me. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Mag]

Welcome to being involved with someone with PTSD. You'll never survive unless you learn not to take...

Thank you! I am willing to do that because of love. Is there anything else I can do since we are not even commited yet? Should I stop texting him all together without any say, no reassurance? He said he'd marry me if he was able like he once was.. I know it might be me hoping too hard but does it mean he is thinking about it eventually?

 

[Mag]

OMG everyone! I texted him earlier by the way, saying that we could just stay longtime friends if he wishes and keep things strictly platonic..etc He just texted me " Sorry I fell asleep on the couch earlier lol .I want you as a wife. Not platonically. I just am scared im not what you want n will get hurt subconsciously. " Im so excited to hear from him!!! Yet scared now!

 

[Mag]

I am the one scared to reply to him now by fear of not hearing back again. But having a little of my happiness back!

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Mag

Welcome to the world of PTSD!! It's great that he communicated and I know the feeling of being ridiculously excited from feeling so low. I was hesitant to reply to your recent messages for fear of offending you. What's you've been experiencing - the highs and lows is only going to continue, please make sure you are capable of this.

I posted a few days ago that it was over and thank you, only for him to message me yesterday and ask me to look after him because he had fallen off the wagon and gone out drinking (excessively) he came over I played nurse when he cried and had panic attacks, we kissed a lot and were intimate - definitely not a good idea but I'm rubbish at resisting. Now I could be left wondering if we're still done or whether he still cares. In my mind I have to see that we're still over, at the moment he cannot give me anything that I need from him and continues to take what he needs from me.

What I'm saying is this is great that he is expressing feelings and he is communicating but please move forward with caution. I am sometimes too caring and too loving and now I'm guarding a tiny piece of my heart it hurts less. Again as people have said please please do look after yourself, try not to think and worry too much when he has retracted a little bit and just go about your day to day life and stay healthy and happy. It may be that you message and he doesn't reply if so then again leave him with some space and don't bombard him.

I hope some of what I'm saying makes sense? My head is still a bit of a fuzz right now x