Sexual Assault Dating after sexual abuse (and emotional abusive relationship)

[theunistudent]

How long after being sexually abused / in a bad relationship did you start to date again ?

My head is honestly spinning and it just feels so hard , like I'm in my mid 20's it was my first relationship so its a whole other kettle of fish. It creates this storm of thought in my head where even though it was a bad relationship I realise the happy parts I'm missing out on, I'm at the age where everyone around me is getting engaged , married and having their first children and it feels like my life is once on hold again ( I had anorexia as a teenager and so instead of dating and stuff I was recovering from that) I finally got to a place where i felt comfortable and confident in who i was to date and this happened. My head is a swirl of questions though all about dating after being sexually abused.

How soon is to soon , how can i trust a person again , how can i trust them even emotionally , how can i have someone touch me again , hold my hand or kiss me , if i date to soon does that mean it never happened and i was just over dramatic , who would want to date someone with that history , he made me feel like garbage how can i trust someone else wont , why does my life have to be on hold , i just want to feel like a normal person in their mid 20's

 

[Kintsugi]

There is no magic answer to this; it's extremely individual. I was very lucky, in a sense. I didn't lose my faith in other people's goodness when I got out. It was another person's goodness that helped me get out, a really dear friend.

Do you have any of those? Really good friends? Not the kind you just meet for coffee or watch a movie with. I mean someone you can call any time, who really knows you and who you can trust.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@theunistudent I am sorry you went through this. I was in a really bad marriage in which there was also sexual abuse, I feel for you. I left him about 4 years ago. I started dating some time last year? I had been in T since I left my abusive X and by the time I started dating I felt rather confident and ok with being me, I had made a lot of changes and seemed to have not had any "scars" so to speak from the abuse. However, I never really dealt with the abuse-definitely not the sexual stuff. My first real relationship brought out a lot of triggers for me...especially sexual ones plus he was a narcissist too and very reminiscent of my X. I am not saying this to scare you but, rather point out because I never dealt with the trauma it all did eventually come up in which I developed PTSD. If I had dealt with the trauma initially maybe I wouldn't have even developed PTSD who knows? My T told me that when we bury our trauma and don't deal with it it comes up often uglier. So my advice would be to work through the trauma hopefully with a T and try to get your life back on track and maybe work with your t on when she thinks you are ready to date, my T really gives a lot of guidance in this area... When you are ready to date is so individualized and depends on many factors. For me, a major factor would be when I feel confident to state and maintain sexual boundaries (still working on this one..) I hope I helped!

 

[minirini]

I wish I could give you a timeline, but the pace at which you learn how to trust others again varies. If you have a therapist, maybe some good topics to discuss are: how you were before the relationship, how you are now, and examining the differences between your past and present mindset. Being in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship completely changes how safe you feel, how you perceive the world, and how you perceive yourself. You need to be aware of these changes, or else you may find yourself in another abusive situation (God forbid) without you realizing how/why, or be completely frazzled by trying to determine which person is safe.

If you do have dates right after getting out of an abusive relationship, I don't think it means that "it never happened and you were just being overdramatic." Sometimes we throw ourselves into dating or sex after assault/abuse because it feels familiar, we want to distract ourselves, or we want some sort of control over our dating and sex lives again. You might also want to have an honest discussion with your therapist about your sexuality and pattern of attachments. I don't recommend dating right away, because you might just push the trauma deep down without ever processing it, and find yourself with some not-so-good coping strategies (relapse of anorexia, hyper sexuality, alcohol, etc.). But sometimes dating after trauma can show you how healthy relationships should be, if you date a guy who's really supportive and kind.

There will be someone out there who will want to date you and accept all of you, including your history. There are good guys out there.

 

[Haven]

I know how you feel because I'm going through it right now too. I just want to be healed already, and be normal again! I dated quite a bit before my ex, so I know what its supposed to be like. I can tell you this, for every really bad guy out there, there is also a really good one. I have a few rules I have constructed for myself and whomever I date. I listed all the things I need to know before I can date someone. I need to feel heard, I need to feel respected, I need to feel safe. Basically, I told them I've had some bad experiences, and they needed to ask before they tried anything. To be honest, I also told them if they needed to ask, then it was no. If I was comfortable with something, then I would ask. If they are not completely understanding on that topic, I wouldn't date them.

I think a lot of knowing if you're ready, comes down to how you are reacting to dating. Are you making excuses for their behavior? Are you acting desperate? Are you lowering your standards for safety and well being? Are you able to feel safe, calm, and enjoy yourself alone with someone? Are you using someone like a drug to help you feel happier and more sane? This can take a while to figure out, but in general I noticed I was a lot less anxious about the results of what happened, and focused on making friends. I didn't care whether or not things progressed. I asked out guys I felt safe around, and moved slowly.

For me, I noticed the guys I was attracted to changed. I was no longer attracted to the boisterous, charismatic, attention grabbing guys. Instead, I liked the guy in the corner, who was quietly helping people out. I'm not attracted to guys I feel the fireworks with anymore, fireworks are triggers for me now. Instead I'm attracted to guys I feel this light emanating from, who you just somehow know they are a truly good person, you feel warmer, gentler, better just being around them. There is no nervousness like I experienced before. I just feel peaceful.

To make sure you are in the right place, I would discuss this with someone you know very well, who has more experience, and is a responsible, understanding adult, who can help you with the steps of dating again. You don't have to do it all at once. For me my big accomplishment this last couple weeks was asking a guy out. I don't care if anything happens. I just wanted to have fun with a friend, and I did. Our friendship grew stronger because of it. Will anything happen? No idea, and I don't mind. I just enjoyed that one experience. So that's what I do, take it one date, one relationship at a time. Don't stress yourself out thinking of where you need to be, and just enjoy where you are right now.

 

[Deleted member 487]

I havn't dated since 2006. Just saying....

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Well I have never had a healthy sexual relationship they have all been either abusive or distorted in some way. This is my issue I don't know what a healthy relationship even feels like... So until I can identify this and be ok with this and not feel the need to recreate my past trauma then I probably shouldn't date