Supporter Dating Someone With Ptsd And I Feel Helpless

[Laxchick22]

I have been dating a beautiful person for 8 months and for the most part I am happy but every so often she shuts down and doesnt talk to me. I try not to take it personally but it is very hard. One minute she is fine and the next she is very detached. She does not get emotional but looks like she is very sad.

She is a former marine and served 8years. She does not like to talk about the things she experienced because she fears it will scare me. I hate it when she gets upset because I just want to help her so much but I don't know what to do so then i keep pressuring her to tell me what is wrong and then I feel like a big jerk.

I love her very much and want to be supportive but I am not sure what to do. I should also mention that in January her ex-boyfriend and very good friend also a marine committed suicide. After that we were really not good. We even broke up for a bit. I am the kind of person who takes on how other people feel and want to help them but I think that is the wrong thing to do. I guess I just need some advice and for people to listen. I dont really know who else to turn to.

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Laxchick22]

Thanks

 

[revelry]

Welcome to the forum, and the rollercoaster.

You need to learn all that you can about PTSD and realize that it is a very strange animal. Not every person will have the same set of symptoms, or things that will trigger them, or isolate them. Its extremely difficult to figure out what some of these things are and how to avoid them or address them, dependingly.

IT HARD. Im not going to lie, but one of the things that I have discovered in my situation is that pressure doesnt help. Sometimes you really have to 'let things go' and move on to the next day. You may have to agree to disagree without resolution, and keep yourself as healthy, grounded and as stable as you can. You will also have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate, how much is caused by the illness, an where to set healthy boundries.

There is a lot of good information here, and lots of good books... Read, and then read some more.
I hope you find help, strength, and support here.

 

[Laxchick22]

Thanks for the advice. It is hard to figure out what the triggers are. I dont even know if there are any she just sits there fine and then all the sudden she changes. It is very difficult, and i think the hardest part is that I take on her emotions and take it personally I just want to make it all better.

I hate whenI poor my heart and we talk she is like ok... I have nothing to say I am like really?

 

[Jen93]

Give it time. It's very difficult for a trauma survivor to talk of their experiences. I didn't tell my parents until I started feeling suicidal, and I hid that for as long as I could, about 3 months; I also never spoke to them about the trauma as the trauma happened; I figured it was over and done with: Try to figure out what her triggers are by her cues. If she looks jumpy or anxious in a place, just calmly reassure her that everything is okay, and remove her from the place. She may open up to you later, but sometimes it's very very difficult for trauma survivors to get close to people or trust them completely after a traumatic event. Also important: don't force her into anything, it will make her feel helpless.

 

[Laxchick22]

Thanks Jen93. You know what she does get anxious. She gets anxious when are sitting around for too long or if its really loud in a place. Does indecisiveness have anything to go with PTSD? She does not like to make decisions and when I make them she asks if I am mad at her I am not but she always asks me. Also, when she gets anxious and I say ok lets go for a walk or leave or i say just relax its ok, she asks if I am mad at her for being anxious and of course I am not. I would like to get some books to read more about it but I am currently in the middle of finals so reading for leisure isnt really an option. But I really appreciate all the helpful advice.

 

[reallydown]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. A sothers have said, it's probably best not to push her. In terms of her being a marine etc...Some of her possible (note the word possible...as it's different for everyone) triggers will be things like crowds...cars backfiring...fireworks/firecrackers (essentially anything that sounds like things she would've been exposed to in a war zone)...certain smells etc. There are a lot of vets and partners of vets here so I'm sur eyou'll be able to find good info. Maybe sometimes, instead of trying to get her to talk, just hug her and hold her tight (if she's ok with that...probably best to ask first...) Anyway, hope this helps at least a little bit. Good luck!

 

[Laxchick22]

Thanks really down. yea she used to have major issues with fireworks especially when she first got back but she does better with them now. I know she does not like crowds. I do hug her and hold he hand but I think what I am learning is to just give her some space but make sure she knows I am here. Today is a better day, but I still want to learn more and be prepared.

 

[revelry]

Lax,

Keep in mind also, with PTSD you often feel like your putting in so much more than you are getting back out. You will have times when something that may be really important to you, a card or a gift for example, will not have the same effect on them. They may not even respond at all. There is an emotional detachment there, but then again, there maybe times when something as simple as them saying 'I miss you' is huge, and means that they care. We just need to be better at recognizing it.

Did I mention that PTSD is hard???? lol..

hopefully your finding help here

 

[Laxchick22]

Thanks revelry. That is really helpful advise I appreciate it. I am finding a lot of help thank you.

 

[Hopeful boyfriend]

I am in a very similar situation as you. Thank you for sharing. I already feel less alone knowing there are others.