I've been dating a combat TBI/PTSD vet for 2 months...until last night.
My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do. Our first date was simple and beautiful, and he said "this was the best 'first date' I have ever had!". I was devastated by divorce 4 years ago and was leary about the whole dating thing already, and that statement scared me to death because I felt the same way!
I almost didn't accept a second date with him because he was coming on too strong for me, not in a disrespectful way, he has ALWAYS been respectful of me as a woman. But I told him his persistence scared me, that I have baggage, that I had serious trust issues, that I was afraid. But he assured me that he was the right man for me. "I can help you carry your baggage", "I can help you repackage it, making it easier to carry. Just give me a chance, please".
He gave me hope that I could trust him, that he was different, that he was the man who could see past some of my "issues", could appreciate me, love me, see the good I could bring to a relationship. So I let my guard down and accepted a second date. It was on that second date (a walk along the beach), that I realized that he was right...he was the man for me.
I saw the kind, strong, loving, gentle, patient, wonderful and loyal, man...warrior...that he is. He told me when we first met that he had PTSD but that he had a "handle on it". So, not really understanding what it meant to have TBI or PTSD, I thought, "ok, he sees a therapist, he has this under control. After all, he's been through so much!".
In hindsight, I could not have been more wrong. He has been in the Army, and the Army Nat'l Guard for 37 years. He is still active duty until 12/2012, when he will retire and/or be out on disability. Currently, he is active, but disabled. He has done 7 missions - 2 stateside, 4 in Iraq and the last in Afghanistan. He has only been home since Feb/2012 and in treatment for 2-3 months.
I have not been in a committed relationship since my divorce. I dated a man sporadically over a couple months but nothing serious. When I met my vet, it wasn't long before we knew we were in love. After a month of "heaven" he suddenly changed and became someone I didn't recognize. And my world turned upside down.
He goes back and forth between pulling me close and pushing me away or detaching from me and I'm left feeling unwanted, unloved, he becomes withdrawn and distant, I feel unimportant in his life, that I'm an inconvenience (keep in mind, I have my own issues and this probably has more to do with my insecurities). This is how I felt not understanding the magnitude of what was happening in his world, the world he would not, could not, fully disclose to me.
Intellectually, I knew that this had nothing to at all to do with me and everything to do with him...respectfully. He did try to explain it to me once, and then he shut right down. Last night he told me that he "loves me and cares for me very deeply". That I am "everything he has ever wanted, and more" but that right now he has far to much on his plate and although he thought he could handle a relationship, he realizes now that he is not in a good place to have a girlfriend, to be a partner.
When I heard this, my heart broke for him, imagining the terrible pain he must be in...for me, at the thought of losing this wonderful man...and for us, as a couple, and the life we'd hoped to share together. He told me that if he was able to be what he wanted to be for me, he would prove it by putting a ring on my finger but right now, he can't be that man.
I said I would wait for him, wait for him to do the work (he's in a Prolonged Exposure program), and I would work on me and when we come out on the other side we'll be better for ourselves and for each other. He said "I'm NOT abandoning you. This sucks, but I am going to ask that we back this off to being extra good friends, at least until I can rid myself of some of the stuff I have to deal with right now".
I'm a hospice RN and I see pain and suffering every single day, but I can help, I can ease my patients pain and suffering. But I have never felt so helpless to doing something to help someone in my whole life, especially the man I love.
What can I do for him? Will he come back to me? Is there a website that can guide me in what I can do. I'll do whatever it takes, whatever will help him, ease his pain.
He has no close family connections, and even those he has are 3000 miles away. Myself, and my daughter (16yo), are the closest to family that he has...or has let into his life. He and my daughter have developed a real connection too. She's a high honors student in high school who can talk to him about her school subjects, her aspirations and hopes for her future...he takes an interest in her her life and future (her own father is not in her life at all - by his choice) and he was adamant that I let her know that he is not abandoning us...that he loves her too.
Is there anyone out there that can shed some light on this for us...can help me understand him. I love him very much, and he deserves whatever I can do. Thank you for all your stories.
