Dating, trust, intimacy with ptsd

[Calendula]

I've recently started seeing someone. I've never dated before and that was quite a big step for me. However, I'm having a lot of doubts and anxieties about it all.

I have a history of csa and also was recently sexual assaulted/harrassed.

I find it really hard to be intimate with this new guy. We hold hands and that's okay. However, I feel nauseous when he goes to kiss me and I'm always scared of giving him the wrong impressions and that he'll hurt me because I seem to be "asking for it."
I know that it's just negative thoughts in my head. He's very respectful and never pushes me on anything. If I say no, he'll stop right away. But, part of me still worries.
I definitely don't feel comfortable discussing my PTSD and history with him.
I'm wondering, what is some advice on building trust and just on dealing with dating when you have PTSD from sexual abuse?

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you actually like the guy?

Maybe this seems like a stupid question but I’m ok around guys I like, but freak out around guys I don’t.

Maybe this sounds stupid, as in why would I date someone I don’t like, but it’s my internal body mechanism that says oh no, this isn’t the guy for you, and I react.

 

[Calendula]

Do you actually like the guy?

Maybe this seems like a stupid question but I’m ok around guys I...

I do like him a lot, which I think makes my anxiety worse because I feel like I need to put up a wall. He's very smart and I really enjoy spending time and talking with him. I find him attractive too. But for some reason there's just something that makes me want to run everytime he tries to make a move. I think it's not as bad now, but it's still a large obstacle.

 

[420kitty]

Are you sure you are ready to date? A lot of dating is about some type of intimacy. Whether it be emotional or physical (doesn't always have to be the latter). All of these issues (trust, etc) are within people that don't have ptsd also. If you really like him then take it slow. Try to get comfortable with the idea of kissing and that he is not there to hurt you. Have you told him you want to take things slowly? If you aren't ready to tell him your past just say something brief. Maybe like, "i've had some crappy men in my life and not ready for much physical affection right now". Good luck and men get insecure also. Communication is key and emotional intelligence helps with a lot. Xoxo

 

[Calendula]

Are you sure you are ready to date? A lot of dating is about some type of intimacy. Whether it be emot...

I am honestly not sure if I am ready. Right now, it feels like I'm testing myself. He is very respectful and seems very conscious of boundaries and consent, which I appreciate a lot. Although, he seems a lot more invested in this relationship than I am. It's moving a bit fast for me. I think I'll have to be honest with him and tell him that I need to take things slow, not only physically but emotionally as well.

 

[420kitty]

I definitely had to slow things down also. It gives a fresh perspective and alsp gives you your own space. Good luck.

 

[lil_fighter]

Although, he seems a lot more invested in this relationship than I am. It's moving a bit fast for me. I think I'll have to be honest with him and tell him that I need to take things slow, not only physically but emotionally as well.

Absolutely, it is really positive that you recognise that things are moving a bit too fast for you and communicating this to him is a very good idea as he probably has no idea at the moment and actually would appreciate you telling him how you feel. Perhaps the thought of the whole thing moving quickly and what that might involve, puts you off a bit. It could be the physical intimacy that you want to avoid or the fear of things becoming too emotionally intense. Perhaps your instinct is to be wary of someone who is as keen as he is and your instinct - right or wrong - is protecting you. Either way, I think you are being true to yourself by realising that you need to establish boundaries and maybe by making the boundaries clear to him, you can feel more in control of the situation. Dating is brave and takes guts, it can be fun but also daunting. You do things at your own pace, make your needs / boundaries clear and a man who is worth spending time on will respect this and go at your pace. Don’t feel at this early stage that you have to tell him anything about the PTSD. If you want to say a little about previous dating experience then fair enough, it may help him to get to know you better and vice versa.

I would suggest doing fun things you can do on a date that are light hearted and not intense or anxiety provoking. Seeing a band play, going bowling, going on a pedalo boat, having a picnic - whatever you both like. Some laughter may help to build the relationship and allow you to relax. Trust takes a long time to build but I think being in situations where you let a friendship grow helps and is a great foundation for a potential relationship. It takes the pressure off, allows you to find out what he is looking for and establish boundaries.

 

[Calendula]

Absolutely, it is really positive that you recognise that things are moving a bit too fast for you...

You make a lot of great points. I've gotten to know him a bit better since my post and he's extremely respectful and he should honestly receive a medal for his understanding of consent. I sometimes feel like it's going a bit too fast, but I've mentioned it to him casually and I think he tries to slow it down (emotionally and physically.) He lets me go at my own pace and I'm a lot more comfortable around him. There's still some stuff I'm anxious about but I know that I can move at my own pace without any problems.

He's a good person and so far it actually helps my mental health to be with him. I do try to keep boundaries in case something goes wrong since I don't want to get worse if we have a fight or break up.