Daughter's graduation or inpatient?

[EveHarrington]

Can you set a boundary with these people? Who cares what they say. Shut that crap down at every turn. They will balk, but without boundaries, this problem will only continue.

 

[Justmehere]

It seems likely they will treat you like crap if you go, and like they will treat you like crap if you don’t go. I wouldn't rest your decision on seeking their approval and acceptance.

Handling them will require solutions that do not include changing your healthcare to please them - like setting boundaries and having a stronger sense of self that they can't rattle as easily.

What would it be like for you if you went? Do you feel like you've got the skills and stability to handle whatever they throw at you in a manner where you don't contribute to a negative experience for your daughter? (She may still have a negative experience because they sound like crabby jugdey people, but that's not under your control. Only your actions are under your control.)

At the end of the day, the graduation is about her. Will your being there, in the place you are at now, enhance her celebration, or detract from it?

Will you be able to be exposed to crappy judgemental comments from them, and stay safe to yourself, and cool, calm, and collected around them?

 

[FauxLiz]

@Justmehere honestly my plan for months has been to self-medicate the entire weekend for both graduations. That has been how I have dealt with any situation where my family or ex or his family is since long before the divorce. So no without considerable self-medicating I can't say that I would be able to stay calm, cool or collected. I doubt whether I am there or not that my family can do so either as I can't remember a single gathering in decades that at least one huge screaming blow out didn't occur including at family funerals. We have never been what anyone would call a functional family.

 

[Justmehere]

What you describe is actually typical for my own family. Ugh. :(

If my mother made the choice to get help instead of showing up to a typical family sh*t fest considerably self medicated... I'd be damn proud of her.

 

[Freida]

I would let your daughter know that you need to go in. If family badgers her she can simply tell them you couldn't make it. She doesn't owe them an explanation. If they keep badgering her she can tell them she will let them know when you are home and they can call you then. It will make them crazy - which is half the fun! Or at least in my dysfunctional family it is!

Seriously though.... if you were my mom I would much prefer that you stay alive than that you came to my graduation. I would be devastated if my mom died or had to spend additional time in a hospital just because she was trying to tough it out to see me walk down an aisle and get my diploma. I have better priorities than that - and I'm guessing so does she.
You need to be there for her future - not just his one day. If you miss one celebration to get healthy enough to be there for all the others? I think that's an acceptable trade off

 

[scout86]

How does your daughter feel about this upcoming gathering? (I'd be dreading it.)

When I was in high school, and it came time to plan the prom, it turned out no one wanted to work on it. Further discussion revealed that no one wanted to GO either. We canceled it. (Caused a bit of an uproar. LOL) This sounds like it might be that kind of event. I really question the wisdom of an event that requires self medicating to survive.

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 I talked to my daughter yesterday. She is super excited for the event. She changed majors mid-college and ended up taking 6 years to complete her Bachelor's, she has watched all her friends graduate and been in several of their weddings she has 35-40 people planning to come in for graduation so it is a big deal to her. We talked and she wants me there but that if I need the help to get it. It is just killing me the idea of missing it.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like she would understand if you can’t make it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be so black and white as to or don’t go.... can you just go to the graduation ceremony and skip all the prolonged (and triggering) family interactions? Then head back home and pack your bags to get ready to head off to treatment?

Remember, you don’t need to go to prove you are not your parents. Being willing to get help proves you are a courageous mom.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Justmehere because of the distance it really is a go or don't go situation. The trip just over 800 miles is a 13 hour drive each way or a flight which can only get me within a two hour drive of the university (there is a regional airport but flights into that airport are 3x more expensive than the major airport). Even if we (my son and I) flew we would have to arrive on Friday due to flight schedules and the ceremony isn't until 6 pm on Saturday so skipping the family interactions would be impossible.

I am not worried about proving I am not my parents they blew off my graduation for a "once in a lifetime" pyramid scheme rally that actually happened every month. My kids know that nothing has ever come before them in my priorities.

 

[Justmehere]

Ah. Fair point.

I’m still leaning towards agreeing with your therapist, but it’s really up to you.

If you do go, it still may not be so all or nothing. I’ve gone on trips to be there for weddings and graduations where the vast majority of the weekend, I was hanging out at the bookstore, hiking, sightseeing, and only dropping in on the family gatherings briefly. Of course family pushed back, but whatever. They were going to be weird no matter what. I rather have them be a jerk about that predictable matter anyhow. They were always going to th to scapegoat me for something... that’s a really painfully predictable part of dysfunctional families.

I told them I had to take care of personal matters and repeated that over and over and over, and nothing else, until they got sick of the answer and stopped asking.

My family? Was still bat-shit crazy dysfunctional and wildly unsafe. But me? I was able to get through family events on less meds and using less-bad coping tools and fewer nervous breakdowns. I was still able to be there for the super important moments with a little less damage to my heart.

Was it easy? No. *Any* exposure to them was (and still is) very hard and having to hold the boundary was a challenge.

It was easier though than going and being with them through ALL the chaos.

There will be lots of people there and your daughter is going to be super duper busy. A few solid moments with you being grounded will probably mean a lot more than long hours of you being there but self medicated.

If you decide to go, maybe it would be a chance to explore new ways to escape the jerks.

My heart goes out to you as you wrestle with the decision!

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m really not understanding how you can’t just go to the graduation ceremony alone and avoid the family get togethers.

Arrive Friday night.
Stay at a different hotel.
Entertain yourself on Saturday.
Go to the graduation.
Excuse yourself after the ceremony.
Go back to the hotel.
Fly out on Sunday.

I really do think you are making this harder than it has to be, and I’m guessing it all stems back to your inability to set boundaries with your family.

 

[FauxLiz]

@EveHarrington what you laid out is possible however in doing that I would never see my daughter other than to watch her cross the stage as she made it clear that there are too many people coming in for the event to be able to spend any time individually with me. I haven’t seen my daughter in 10 months to spend the amount of money and emotional effort to make the trip and not be able to hug her, personally congratulate her, eat a meal with her and just be around here to only see her for a few minutes from a distance would be worse than not being there at all.