Daughter's graduation or inpatient?

[FauxLiz]

I love my daughter but for the past few years in part due to distance in part due to her growing up and normal separating from parents as she becomes an adult. She is graduating from college in a few weeks and I have always sworn I would never miss an important event like this for either of my kids because I know how much it hurt me that my parents didn't do the same for me.

However, I have been struggling in my day to day life for months spent time at an intensive treatment program in January and a local inpatient hospital in March. The closer I get to this event and to my son's HS graduation in June the more I decompensate over the stress and anxiety of having to spend time with my family (original abuse from FOO) and my ex and his new and extended family as well as being in and around crowds of people both weekends.

I have an opportunity to readmit to the trauma program (previous treatment was cut short by insurance decisions) they have a bed for me available the Monday before my daughter's graduation or the Monday after. My t is strongly recommending that I take the earlier Monday as he is concerned that attending the graduation weekend will be more detrimental to me and my relationship with all involved if I go in my current state. But I don't know how to explain to my daughter or family why or where I am if I am not there.

So I am asking for input/advice, what would you do?

 

[scout86]

Talk to your daughter?

I might not have a useful perspective. I wasn't particularly attached to my family. But, under the circumstances? I'd want my mother to take care of herself and go. It seems like that would be all the more true if you love your mother.

 

[Friday]

Generally “I was in the hospital” is a universally accepted & understood excuse for not being ...anywhere.

 

[littleoc]

I'm graduating college in a couple of weeks.

I would be sad if my mother missed it, because I'm very proud of it -- but I think I would mostly be sad that she would feel bad if she missed it. She would be extremely sad about it for years, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, my dad will miss it and barely notice.

If she had to go to a hospital, I think I'd accept that she was there in spirit. In fact, I'd give her a link to the live stream of it -- most university graduations are streamed online.

If my mom called me with her being unable to attend, I'd imagine she would build up to it and I would think something actually bad-news worthy is happening. Just to be honest.

If you call your daughter and she is upset? Then it probably wasn't about the graduation itself. Thinking back on your own sadness of your parents not being there, I bet you were mostly sad that they just disn't support you or didn't seem to care. So... should your kids that you care.

When you made that promise to be at their graduations, I assume that meant you cared about showing support. So, if you absolutely have to, show support in some other way. There are tons of ways to show support, even if you can't attend the main event.

Ask for a live streaming link! There is likely one!

*show your kids that you care

 

[Nessa7]

I can relate. I finally gave in and went to the emergency room the afternoon before my mother's wedding. It's a shitty decision to have to make.

I think I would opt to go to inpatient. At a college graduation, you usually end up spending a lot more time with your family entertaining yourselves while the graduate is doing other things. That's a long time to be forced to make small talk with people that you know that you're going to react badly to being around.

Sometimes the big events aren't as important as the everyday memories that you make with your family. You could plan something with her around watching the recording of the graduation and looking at photographs later. That was actually the part that was the most fun for me about my college graduation.

What does your daughter know about what you've been going through? In a situation like this, I would also plan an excuse for her to tell your family so that she doesn't have to worry about telling them the wrong thing.

 

[Justmehere]

This would be such a tough call for me!

n I would never miss an important event like this for either of my kids because I know how much it hurt me that my parents didn't do the same for me.

This is really reasonable, but remember, you are not your parents and your daughter isn’t you. Talk to her and see what she thinks and where she’s at with it.

My t is strongly recommending that I take the earlier Monday as he is concerned that attending the graduation weekend will be more detrimental to me and my relationship with all involved if I go in my current state.

Memories of relationships going further downhill at graduation will stick in a lot more than memories of you not being there because you had to address a health problem.

The weekend of graduation is usually a whirlwind, and she wouldn’t see you much. If you do go inpatient, and get stabilized a bit and she gets past the high stress time of graduation, then there is a better chance you and her can find a way to create good memories of celebrating the graduation together later on.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your support and input. My children know that something happened to me when I was young and that I have ptsd. That is it, my extended family knows even less. None of my extended family know that I have been hospitalized this year and giving them any other ammunition to torture and terrorize me with is not something I really want to consider. To give a frame of reference for how little I trust my family three years ago I had brain surgery. It was considered to be emergent as I was admitted through the ER and after alternatives to relieve the cause just days later I had surgery. I told my two kids and that is it. If they had not contacted my father no one else in the family would have known and I certainly didn't want them there but my dad and a sister showed up in my hospital room without warning and I have never heard the end of how disruptive this was to their lives. This was 4 months after my mother had passed away and my father made me sleep on the concrete floor of a storage room when I was their for the funeral (small town no hotels) and gave all 6 grandkids beds including my two children.

I can give my kids an excuse but it won't prevent the family from trying to hound them for answers and believe me when I say they could be interrogators for the CIA if they wanted to be, like a dog with a bone they just won't leave well enough alone. I am not sure there is a good solution here.

 

[Nessa7]

How often are you in contact with your extended family and how far away do they live? If you need an excuse to fool your family, this might be the best place to get suggestions.

 

[FauxLiz]

My contact with extended family is pretty much limited to transfer of information around holidays usually laying a guilt trip on me for not joining or not staying longer when they get together or what presents to get my father. As for proximity I am about 1000 miles from my closest sibling 1200 miles from my dad and 800 miles from where my daughter will graduate. At this time not showing up will be very conspicuous as they are all driving/flying in for the event and then 4 weeks later will be coming to where I live for my sons graduation.

 

[Sideways]

Can you Skype it? A couple of people who were to ill to make the trip for a family funeral earlier this year pre-arranged with a person to attend via Skype. And fro the accounts I’ve had? It was worth it.

Of course you want to be there. And definitely tell your daughter, “I’d really like to be there”, but if you need to be in hospital, that’s where you need to be. We carry enough guilt without adding stuff like that to our plate, yeah?

 

[Nessa7]

Hmmm, diarrhea might work as an excuse for your extended family for your daughter's graduation. It's one of my big excuses. If your son is going, there are only so many questions they can ask him about your bowel movements.

Your son's graduation will be harder since they're coming to you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Sideways live streaming or skyping really isn't an option. The inpatient program would have to agree to permit me access to and computer privileges on a weekend night superseding anyone else's privileges to the computer. Additionally, with so many websites blocked (I know I had issues even accessing email) that it is doubtful that I could log on to either type of site.

@Nessa7 I can assure you that diarrhea would not be seen as a reasonable excuse to my family. My father had chronic issues for years following gall bladder surgery and my ex had similar issues due to a medication he was on for bone disease. All I would get is nagged for why I didn't call for ideas on how to travel with that condition. Not sure anything short of being on my death bed would be acceptable to them.