JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
I have been feeling sick to my stomach all day and quite shaky, too. When I was teaching this morning, I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I know my students noticed, but amazingly they never said anything out loud. I felt so sick at times I thought I was going to have to go home. When talking to other teachers, I got that floaty, distant feeling. I didn't know if I was just going to dissociate a little or switch parts completely.
(To help anyone who doesn't already know, I have dissociative identity disorder.) At the end of therapy yesterday, some part of me came out and said "Help Ellie" over and over again. I don't know the Ellie part of me other than now I know she doesn't like woods and feels safer inside. Obviously she's not doing well. My angry one is very angry right now and not feeling particularly safe. I have been working on communicating more with my parts and I have been having a lot of success with that lately. But there is still inner turmoil.
And I am in turmoil. Because it's October. The next 4 months carry so many memories. The changing of leaves and the cooler air all reminds my body of the fall 2 years ago when I was in a horrible car accident. And it began 4 difficult months taking care of my boys, my injured husband, and still teaching. I keep trying to remind myself that it isn't happening now. That I don't have to re-live it over and over, but my body does it anyway. My shoulder hurts. It aches from having to hold my husband up above me in the car. My ear feels as blocked as it was that night.
I can't help my parts because I am too stuck in so much anxiety. I don't know how to help myself through this. And my therapist goes on a vacation next week (luckily only for a week), but she will be gone during the exact anniversary and I was hoping she would help me through it like last year. Since there's so much going on with my parts and trying to stabilize that aspect of my life, I don't think my therapist even remembers what we did last year or even realizes how much of my struggles right now relate to the accident. Even though I know all this is anxiety, I still feel super sick and scared. I wish I didn't feel so alone in this.
(To help anyone who doesn't already know, I have dissociative identity disorder.) At the end of therapy yesterday, some part of me came out and said "Help Ellie" over and over again. I don't know the Ellie part of me other than now I know she doesn't like woods and feels safer inside. Obviously she's not doing well. My angry one is very angry right now and not feeling particularly safe. I have been working on communicating more with my parts and I have been having a lot of success with that lately. But there is still inner turmoil.
And I am in turmoil. Because it's October. The next 4 months carry so many memories. The changing of leaves and the cooler air all reminds my body of the fall 2 years ago when I was in a horrible car accident. And it began 4 difficult months taking care of my boys, my injured husband, and still teaching. I keep trying to remind myself that it isn't happening now. That I don't have to re-live it over and over, but my body does it anyway. My shoulder hurts. It aches from having to hold my husband up above me in the car. My ear feels as blocked as it was that night.
I can't help my parts because I am too stuck in so much anxiety. I don't know how to help myself through this. And my therapist goes on a vacation next week (luckily only for a week), but she will be gone during the exact anniversary and I was hoping she would help me through it like last year. Since there's so much going on with my parts and trying to stabilize that aspect of my life, I don't think my therapist even remembers what we did last year or even realizes how much of my struggles right now relate to the accident. Even though I know all this is anxiety, I still feel super sick and scared. I wish I didn't feel so alone in this.
