Days I don't want to be here

[Punky143]

I wake up in the mornings and wish I hadn't. I wish I would sleep and never wake up. That would be the cure to my pain, end the daily fight to move one foot in front of the other while pretending everything was ok. Everything isn't ok in my minds (did). It's having a crowd of people all wanting and thinking different things but the one common thing is for someone to understand us but we know that's never going to happen. So we come to the same conclusion, wouldn't being dead be so much easier? That being said, we can't because we have one person in our life we would never want to cause such pain, our daughter. I've seen her heartbroken over her boyfriend leaving to join the military and to watch her go through this, it's unimaginable to think how our absence would be a million times worse and it would be final. It's our fight every day and we're tired.

 

[arfie]

yup, it would definitely be easier to die than to get people to understand me. on my more peaceful days, i can admit that i don't understand myself. how can i expect other people to understand me when i can't even understand my singular self? those are my more peaceful days because i am not continually bitter over impossible expectations.

personally, i think understanding is overrated. ^it^ is what ^it^ is, whether i understand ^it^ or not. just opining. . .

 

[Survivor3]

@Punky143 , sorry to hear your struggling. I also used to dread waking up until i fought with the psychiatrist and they put me on escitalopram, which worked wonders. I don't have "did" but I was in a dreadful state. Hope you can find something that makes you feel better.

 

[Rose White]

punky that’s very understandable. Glad you have your daughter to help anchor you. These brains that wish to die (I have one too) are so frustrating. Idk if it’s life itself that is so frustrating or my brain’s reaction to it. For me, my loved ones are not an anchor because I feel I want to save them from the disgustingness that is me. So my fantasies revolve around running away and being like a worm in a hole—suffering in complete isolation. But I can’t let myself indulge in that fantasy too much because I don’t want to be in the grinder anymore where I’m just laying on the floor crying or completely numb. I keep pushing myself to avoid that hole and maybe something nice will happen where my brain can stop bullying me for a while.

 

[PamelaS]

I wake up in the mornings and wish I hadn't. I wish I would sleep and never wake up. That would be the cure to my pain, end the daily fight to move one foot in front of the other while pretending everything was ok. Everything isn't ok in my minds (did). It's having a crowd of people all wanting and thinking different things but the one common thing is for someone to understand us but we know that's never going to happen. So we come to the same conclusion, wouldn't being dead be so much easier? That being said, we can't because we have one person in our life we would never want to cause such pain, our daughter. I've seen her heartbroken over her boyfriend leaving to join the military and to watch her go through this, it's unimaginable to think how our absence would be a million times worse and it would be final. It's our fight every day and we're tired.

punky, I hear you and I understand. I tried to take my life four times with pills when I just couldn’t do it anymore. It didn’t work, and I’m glad it didn’t work. Even though life is hard and sometimes seems impossible, I don’t want to leave behind the shards of mess and pain that I had to live through when my father committed suicide and I was 16 years old. He was abusive and mentally ill, schizophrenia. But at least he was there in my life after that day there was no one to fill that role. But the horrors and the nightmares persisted for many many years. I would never want to do that to anyone, especially my child. So what that has done for me is that has motivated me to dig myself out of the mess every single way I can. I don’t have DID, but I do have ADHD, dyslexia, and a mild form of autism. All of those things could be looked at in a negative light. But each of those things have components that are beneficial. I don’t have time to go into the details, but I am telling you I have lived long enough that I have seen the good parts of those diagnoses. And from that, I hope to imagine that all of your parts have value. Each one of them has a special gift that can be used for all of you. Do you have a good fit for a trauma therapist? Do you have support with meds? I don’t know where I would be without my therapist right now. I’ve basically been in therapy and counseling all of my life, and never got anything out of it until now. My son has been actively suicidal and suicidal ideation for 24 out of 27 years of life because of the pedophile sperm donor of a father who did unimaginable things for the first three years of life. He spent in therapy and counseling with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, inpatient, outpatient,………… all of his life. And yet the desire to die still exists. But it is diminishing. I’m watching happen in front of my eyes for the first time in his life. There are two things that have made the difference. He now has a friend who will not give up on him and will not walk away, no matter how ugly it gets. Before that I was the only one. But this friend has made such a difference in his life. He is now choosing life most of the time. It’s not going to happen overnight, and I don’t know if it will ever completely go away, but what a difference! He also finally has the right therapist. I say he, but my child would rather be known as she. She would rather bury that old life and that old person and create a whole new life being a new person, someone completely different with no ties to the past. How can a mother say no to that after coming alongside this child for 27 years of suffering? So anyway, now she qualifies for specific therapy for sexual assault at the YWCA. For the first time in her life, she is being given life-giving counseling, and therapy and treatments. She is going to start ketamine infusions, because nothing she has ever taken over all of these years has made a difference. In the past year, she did get to take a medication that stopped the night terrors. Before that she couldn’t even get one night of sleep. No, she doesn’t have to take that medicine and she only has night terrors occasionally.
Why have I shared all of this with you? Because it is my hope that this will give you something deep down in your gut that will allow you to fight all of this. And you don’t just have one of you, you have a whole team of you. When a team comes together, even if there’s one or two that disrupt things, we are always stronger together. So I hope and pray that I have encouraged you in someway that will propel you to keep moving forward. Take good care of yourself, because your daughter needs you. If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for her. Thank you for listening.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Most people have someone or many people who would miss them if they died.

And most people don't really want to be gone, just want the pain to end but in doing that, causes more pain.

 

[Maisie]

Most people have someone or many people who would miss them if they died.

And most people don't really want to be gone, just want the pain to end but in doing that, causes more pain.

So true! This really resonates with me right now. Thank you