Dazed And Confused Spouse

[Countrygent]

Hi and welcome.

Your post and questions really strike a chord with me - I had a horrific single incident of severe trauma at 14, went into immediate denial and coping, which was possible because I had a stable family. Nobody knew or understood how deeply I was affected, including myself.

I developed all kinds of coping skills, buried the memory or the trauma, and headed into 35 years of professional success, mostly uneventful or 'normal' family life as a good father, marriage, kids, friends, a picture of how things ought to be.

However I was in active denial and burning immense energy in coping with unnatural states of anxiety and lack of confidence, self-loathing, etc,., Having no life to compare it is easy to see how in hindsight I deluded myself, and also how the search for and creation of zones of comfort and safety against irrational negative anxieties and fears was a drain and hindrance on self-actualisation and emotional growth.

It caught up with me. Depression, progressive loss of coping (the trauma of losing one's grip on normal coping skills is a secondary delayed blow), leading to crisis and breakdown.

Two years after crisis, struggles with balancing medication to try and create emotional stability, countless hours and thousands of dollars spent on counselling ... still a work in progress and I have many ongoing problems and much discomfort I am having difficulty overcoming. It has been difficult and exhausting and there is no end in sight yet.

I was a high-performance professional, now some days I can't leave the house. For almost a year I could barely read - I couldn't use the computer for months on end. Countless tears, countless episodes of having to curl up in bed, shakes, hyper-vigilance, delusional anxiety. Misery.

So sorry for both of you. My best advice would be to do your best to keep your sense of humour, lower your expectations for the functioning of your household, pull in your horns for a while, think in terms of creating zones, places, times of comfort, respite and safety for her from which she can slowly push her boundaries wider again.

Love of family saved me from suicide when I was in crisis. Encouagement from family and close friends has been a huge help - dog walking dates, lunches, small social events maybe just one other close couple.

The kids are a bit of an issue - mine were old enough to fully explain what was going on (15, 20 and 21). They will still feel threatened and uncertain at any age when the monolithic parents show signs of human weakness - don't be suprised if they probe at it, even with a little cruelty. They are trying to explore what is happening to their own zone of security.

You have lots of supporters if you look for them. PTSD and the associated depression and anxiety has many victims, they are all around you and they will reach out and help if given a chance. You are not alone. Once people understand your wife is ill almost everybody is kind.

As for the career ... don't ask. I'm two years into my disability insurance and have neither a clear path to return to my high-stress, high-performance job, nor a Plan B. It's an issue and challenge. I'm concentrating on trying to overcome my persistant recurring autonomic anxiety symptoms and persistant exhaustion, confusion, poor memory, drug tolerance.

The good news is I, like most other have been able to stabilise and start to create and push out those necessary zones of respite and comfort. But it is slow.

So sorry for both of you. Keep smiling and be gentle with yourself and your wife. This will probably be a pretty big challenge, but she has already demonstrated huge resiliance and strength by maintaining her equilibrium for so many years. Now time for some mental and emotional housekeeping and repair?

Good luck and fondest encouragement.

 

[ISupportHer]

This is all completely new to me. Does this story make sense?

Actually sounds very familiar. Sorry, did not see this post when you first did it and not sure if you are still checking on things here, but:

Just my opinion, from doing the wrong thing myself sometimes, but you just have to go with the flow. It is hard NOT to push, to try to impact what is happening to her but also your family. Supportive without making things worse.

Find all the resources you can, talk with others, seek help for yourself as you need it.

Funny actually, I have joked with friends here that I am "husband hunting"! Just as the sufferers can relate to one another because they share some common life experience and feelings, I think husbands of sufferers can share specific feelings too.

Having said that, I would encourage you to look at what sufferers say about how they feel, what works or doesn't work for them. Be open to their comments when you gain the ability to post in the regular area of this forum. EVERYONE has the ability to gain insight and support from ANY other person here, regardless of what brings them here. And that is a very special thing here.

So, welcome, hope you continue to post and look me up if you need to talk. I am not usually one to say "I know how you feel" but I'd bet you will say things about what you see or feel and my response will be that I know and have felt the same thing.

ISH

 

[kclarkesocal]

What I'm doing

So here's what I'm trying (more successfully sometimes, less others) to respond to the situation:

1. Be at peace with a lower level of basic household functioning (don't try to hold complicated dinner parties, recognize that some invitations never get responded to because they fall between the cracks, the cat gets fed most days -- but maybe we miss now and again)

2. Try to take responsibility for as much household activities as possible (shuttling kids, preparing meals, cleaning, etc.)

3. Give her space when she needs it. Recognize that sometimes she does not want a hug from me -- maybe I want a hug -- but the hug is not comforting or helping her.

4. Enjoy the good moments without worrying about the bigger picture. When she is feeling well and enjoying life, simply enjoy that moment. As a type A personality, this has actually been a big change and improvement in my life.

5. Be 100% supportive of all of the therapy work that she is doing and 100% supportive of medication as required.

6. Be cheerful and happy, even when I'm not. I think that she overreacts to any perceived unhappiness or stress on my part (related to anything). This is an unnecessary source of additional stress for her.

7. Remove/manage other stressors (e.g., relatives, screaming kids, etc.)

8. Be completely flexible on intimacy.

9. Do not push for any disclosure of the trauma. Hard for me that I can't know the source of what is affecting our lives so much, but I don't think that it's helpful to her recovery. Maybe someday she'll share...

I think that's most of my list, but would love to hear if others have any others items that they would add to the "supportive spouse" list.

 

[Auburngirl]

as someone with PTSD I just have to say this is an awesome list. I think 1, 2, 8 and 9 are particularly important.

I just wanted to add, take care of yourself too, and I'm not so sure about 6, yes you don't want to stress her, but you also don't want to be pretending. Of course this will be different in crisis-survival situations, and when you've got a more regular level of coping.

Seek support for yourself (in whatever forms works, talking to friends, getting exercise, your faith, having one night a week where you go out on your own). Also, as things improve let her know little things that she can do for you. PTSD diminishes what you can do, but most of us like to feel useful.

I think your list is great. I'd add, that to the extent that they can most people with PTSD want to be treated like regular people, it's nice to know, especially when you're really sick, that you're still wanted, that you're still good at things (even little things, like giving compliments, making a nice salad), that you're still pretty, that you can still be useful or needed by others. Small and sincere comments and opportunities in this direction are appreciated.

 

[CCurry]

Your story sounds eerily similar to ISH, there you go ISH you've found your "male carer husband."

I love your list too but I have to say I actually find #6 to be very difficult because I wear my emotions on my sleeves as they say but when my bf was in a very fragile state I did my best not to trigger him by acting sad.

The one thing that I would add to that list is to show encouragement when they've made any little bit of progress. For instance just getting to the first TH session is a huge step for many. Even though my bf is still in the early stages of therapy this weekend we had a family get together for my dad's bday and he came. This was a huge accomplishment for him and I made sure to let him know. Any positive reenforcement helps I think.

CC

 

[Jagged Angel]

I think this is a wonderful list, but be sure to look after, and take time out, for yourself as well. It can be just as difficult for the carer as the sufferer, but carers seem to take less care of themselves than the person they're caring for.

I don't know what country you're in, but here in Oz, there is a carer's network (Carers Australia - I can't provide the URL, but Google it) that can give you further information on looking after yourself whilst caring for another.

 

[ISupportHer]

So here's what I'm trying (more successfully sometimes, less others) to respond to the situation:

1. Be at peace with a lower level of basic household functioning (don't try to hold complicated dinner parties, recognize that some invitations never get responded to because they fall between the cracks, the cat gets fed most days -- but maybe we miss now and again)

Absolutely! Do what you can to minimize the stress, good or bad. And accept things for what they are not what it used to be.

2. Try to take responsibility for as much household activities as possible (shuttling kids, preparing meals, cleaning, etc.)

Been there, done that! Part of my coping is to try to look at things in a different way. As far as the house work, I feel that I have always helped, but have I? Can't quote them but I've read stories about men thinking they help but are nowhere 50/50 with work around the house. I look at it as "Now it's MY turn".

3. Give her space when she needs it. Recognize that sometimes she does not want a hug from me -- maybe I want a hug -- but the hug is not comforting or helping her.

This can be hard but perhaps ask her if she is OK for even a hug. This is especially important if you sense he has any type of startle response to touch, etc.

4. Enjoy the good moments without worrying about the bigger picture. When she is feeling well and enjoying life, simply enjoy that moment. As a type A personality, this has actually been a big change and improvement in my life.

Very true. Not only enjoy the good times but, as a type A, it is so hard not to rush in and try to fix the bad times.

5. Be 100% supportive of all of the therapy work that she is doing and 100% supportive of medication as required.

And if you don't feel 100% supportive, that is OK. You have an opinion too. The hard part is not SHOWING the doubt. You have to use other avenues to "vent" so you can be 100% believable to HER.

6. Be cheerful and happy, even when I'm not. I think that she overreacts to any perceived unhappiness or stress on my part (related to anything). This is an unnecessary source of additional stress for her.

Very hard after time passes. Not so hard sometimes but, again, YOU have feelings too! If you do not take care of your own feelings by feeling you constantly have to lie about how you feel, you WILL burn out.

7. Remove/manage other stressors (e.g., relatives, screaming kids, etc.)

I absolutely do this. Run interference. This can also become wearing with time.

8. Be completely flexible on intimacy.

100% agree. Even if there is an expression by her, you have to try to ensure it is an honest desire for intimacy for her, not that she is doing anything because she feels obligated. No matter how well intentioned she is.

9. Do not push for any disclosure of the trauma. Hard for me that I can't know the source of what is affecting our lives so much, but I don't think that it's helpful to her recovery. Maybe someday she'll share...

I could write volumes here. I would assume you feel that you could be supportive if only she would share with you. It is her secret to tell. when and, unfortunately IF, she feels she can. This includes any family being told about the trauma. It is HER secret to tell, not yours.

I think that's most of my list, but would love to hear if others have any others items that they would add to the "supportive spouse" list.

There are a few books out there for spouses/partners of incest and/or rape victims. There is information in them that not only explain some of the things you may see. The processes being why she may act the way she does, etc. They also speak to how YOU feel and that your helping her really starts with looking at yourself. I will look for the title of a thread I wrote about these resources and let you know.

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

This is the thread I was referring to. Well the the first post in it. I have added bold text for the 2 books I was mentioning.

Searching By Reading Books As Resources
A lot has been said on the forum about Carers' responses, good and bad. There are just so many good resources out there to help.

A book, "Ghost in the Bedroom, A guide for partners of incest survivors", for one. In spite of the title, it is not all about sex. It starts out with with chapters entitled, "It's driving Me Crazy" which explores feelings many of us have, and "My Core Issues" which is about relationships, dependency and co dependency. How we as carers need to evaluate ourselves in order to be of any benifit to our sufferers. A similar book is "Allies In Healing"

These are NOT an easy read. Frank discussions including the fact that sufferers die, they commit suicide sometimes. That relationships fail because of this. They are not just a feel good, everything will be OK kind of books. That is my disclaimer.

So, about the self exploration. Another book I have found helpful is
Depression Fallout: The Impact Of Depression On Couples and What you can Do to Preserve The Bond"

One author's opinion on a predictable response by Carers. That there ARE steps but that they are not necessarily 1, 2, 3 and that you can ebb and flow among them. Cannot quote specically but:

First, confusion as we become aware of a problem. Many times before a specific diagnosis.

Second, self-doubt. Is it ME? Is the other person having an affair? Those feeling many of us go through as we try to grasp for a reason.

Third, demoralization. That there is nothing that can be done, including a sense of resentment toward your partner.

Fourth, resentment grows into anger. Everything is upside down and blame is placed on the person but NOT the disease.

Fifth, unhappiness to the point that you feel you need to escape. The point of break up or divorce, partly because it becomes so painful that you just cannot take it anymore.

This book also is not all about the sufferer BUT also about us as carers. OUR feelings and OUR part in it.

OK, so that is my contribution for today. A few resources I have found and hope will help someone else.

Back to my disclaimer. At least from my personal experience. Don't read these at night. These are not topics you can explore, put down, turn off the light and go to sleep. Hell, sometimes I can only take a few pages at a time, LOL

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with ISH and kclarkesocal.

As far as #6 goes, I do agree, but I think what is even preferable is that, it's ok (for a 'carer') to show fear, stress, etc, -epecially if it is followed by a belief/ attitude that things will be ok.
Maybe it's modeling?

That way a carer can also 'be themself', because if they don't take care of themself that is no good for them (and causes worry/ stress to a 'sufferer', anyway).
I don't think it helps anything to have 2 people stuffing feelings/ emotions.

 

[kimmy]

Hello, I Am New Here But NOT New To PTSD- I Am A Survivor Of Childhood Trauma's

IN 1990 at the age of 30 my PTSD and childhood trauma memories came back to me BAM (just like that) was a nightmare!

I helped many people over the last two decades with this problem.

As well as myself. Unfortunately events caused me to have an event of mammoth proportions as of late.

Anyhow, I just wanted to reassure you that, this is the way childhood trauma goes.

I have two college degrees am a nurse and raised my son by myself. I am highly intelligent , educated, aware, articulate and sweet.

That being said. Believe what the therapists are saying to you. The bill is hefty. I myself will go to a rehab that specializes in trauma. It may be something you want to look into. In my days of remembering it was not an option. I would recommend you tell the people helping her that you would like some help too in knowing how to cope, deal, and be with your wife, help her.

I can promise you, this is not fun for us. Like I told my son once, "it ain't easy being me"

In the meantime I am sure there are several books out there you could read. The courage to heal was my recovery book for this, however, there may be better one's out there today.

HUGS and hang tough,,

 

[kclarkesocal]

My Update

My update since December:

- Professionals seem to universally believe that she suffers from PTSD as a result of childhood trauma
- Continues to do 5-6 hours of group and individual therapy per week
- Strong suicidal thinking earlier this year in March so she spent another 9 days in the hospital
- Not clear that we're making much progress (from my view) but therapists/others seem to think that she's on the right track
- Since April has moved out of our bedroom into the guest house over the garage
- Most of the times treats me with some distance
- We've been no more physically connected than good friends might be since that time
- Professionals seem to think that this distance is really driven by the PTSD

My struggle is as follows: I love her tremendously. We have been together for an extremely long time -- I knew her even before university. We have two children together. I desire nothing more than to see her get well again and pull our lives back together.

But, I don't know how much longer I can take this life. Sometimes, I feel like a hostage. Other times, I feel extraordinarily compassionate towards her. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be possible to re-create a life without her, without the burden of her illness. Other times, I think about all the additional things that I could/should be doing to support her, like changing my work hours or career. And then I feel guilty and depressed because of these conflicting thoughts -- she has suicidal urges and I have thoughts driven by my own relationship needs.

Are any of these feelings normal?

 

[amethist]

Hi Kclarkesocal

Your feeling are completely normal for a carer. We all struggle at times, some more than others, but it makes no difference, it is still a rough and rocky road.

Have a look at the carers section, where you will see you are not alone with any of what you feel and think. It is really hard for some sufferers to be in a relationship, as this is such a selfish illness, they need to care for their own needs before they can think of any one else. Read some of the articles on the "Home Page", it may help you understand more of how this effects them daily.

The professionals could well be right when they say her distance form you is driven by PTSD.

Take some time to read as much as you can, it will help. There are no essy answers to all this, there is no quick fix. It takes time, effort and a lot of patience.

It does sound like she is trying to recover and help herself with this as best she can. If her childhood memories of what happend to her run deep, it will take along time for her to work through it all.

In the end it is your decision whether you stay or go, no one will tell you which way to go. We will support your decision, but it is your choice in the end.

Take care.

Amethist