T
Teacher78
Hi, folks. I was looking for a place to talk, didn't know where to go, and found this site. I apologize in advance for the length of the story here. First off, there's a woman I love deeply that sufferers from severe PTSD. She was sexually assaulted in the military. We first met in high school (I was 15, she 13). We dated twice during our youth, and finally broke up when she was 18 and I 20. I was in college far away, she joined the military. 12 years went by, and about 5 years ago, she searched me out and found me on Facebook. She came home (she lives where she had been stationed, which is halfway across the country) and asked to meet. She was married (he stayed home) and was with her infant son. I agreed, thinking I'd visit for an hour and leave. As soon as she opened the door and we locked eyes, I could tell she wanted me back. My theory was confirmed that night when she kissed me passionately as told me she wanted to move back home and see if we could start over. For five years, we've had the typical ups and downs of a distance relationship, but she would get pretty adamant of her attraction toward me and love for me as a person. She got divorced about a year ago.
Finally, in February, she texted me and said she'd be home in two days to see me for Valentine's Day. She said she was down and her friend and her friend's husband asked her to write what she wanted in a man. She looked at what she wrote down and claimed it was a description of me. They were paying for her to fly home to see me. We spent a few great days together and she went home. For a good two months, we had awesome video conversations. I got to see/talk to her now 5 year old son quite a bit. She began texting me that she loved me and told me I was the only person she cared enough about to get a relationship right with. Then, one day in May, I went on Facebook and saw her posts of pictures of another guy and gushing about how he was a "dream she didn't want to wake up from" and more. I was devastated. I told her it was disrespectful to make me find out that way and that I needed time away. She pleaded with me and tried to justify her dating was just to find out for sure. Time went by, and she contacted me telling me she was sick. She needed comforting. Apparently, the relationship with the guy was over. A few weeks later, she called me crying hysterically, saying she didn't know what she was doing with her life, that she couldn't control her PTSD, that it was destroying her and her son's life, and expressed frustration that the VA wasn't giving her enough help. As usual, my heart went out to her, obviously, I love her. She said she was absolutely going through with coming home. The only thing she flopped back and forth on was whether she live with me or her mom to start, though the push away/pull back and other PTSD symptoms seemed to only worsen.
In August, I arranged for her to fly home for 3 weeks. The first week, I saw the PTSD symptoms up close- she wouldn't meet my parents, rejected any trips to see friends, didn't want me to touch her, and threw out there that she need to "see if she could be attracted to me because I wasn't her typical type, physically). The last part really threw me for a loop. Where did that come from? I wasn't the type that she typically picked and hurt her, but she always made me feel like she found me very attractive. The next two weeks were awesome. She seemed so happy, and though the wall was there (no lip kissing or sex), she was warm and affectionate toward me. I saw a book in the bookstore about aromatherapy, which she used to help her condition. I took her there and bought it for her. She grabbed me, put her head on my chest, and hugged me so warmly right in front of everyone in line. It seemed like the barrier was finally down. She blasted photos of us together on Facebook and everyone assumed we were a couple. She called an "angel" God had given her. She talked to my mother for an hour and half (only her talking) about her condition, how she'd been wrong in choosing men, and that I was her getting it right. She spoke about being here permanently and being part of the family. She talked about repainting a room at my house, some rearraingments she'd make, us getting a jeep and a dog. She visited my 96 year old grandmother at the nursing home and told her she'd be back soon. Her son became VERY bonded to my parents and especially to me. He cried terribly and wouldn't let me go at the airport when she headed home. Her family was sad "to see me leave until Christmas", when she would come home again. Her sister cried and thanked me for being so great to her sister and to the family. Before she left, she asked that we talk every morning before work. I agreed. A week after she went back, she started to get distant. The Sunday of that week, she sent me a text with heart and kissing emojis. That Tuesday, she texted me (after I kept asking if she was OK) and told me she wasn't attracted to me, had no chemistry with me, and that she was staying there permanently. I was crushed. I reminded her of all she had said and promised. It was like it never happened. The more I reminded and told her I was confused, the angrier she got. I swear, the person texting me (she wouldn't talk on the phone with me) was a person I'd felt I'd never met before. She pretty much denied having feelings for me or having said anything to give me the idea that we had a romantic relationship in the works, ever. I sent her screenshots of texts that refuted that, and she told me "I'm over it" and cut me off. It felt like she had amnesia.
I've done a lot of research on PTSD to understand, and it's connection with BPD, memory loss, and depression. While it all explains a lot and shows examples of exactly what I've been dealing with, I still feel hollow, lost, and hurt. I take her at her word when she says she wants nothing with me and am in the process of accepting it, despite the hurt, and have stopped reaching out to her. I just feel like it's also her pushing me away, just more ferociously because we crossed a serious barrier. I'm going to take my own time for me, but should I just quit on her or is she suffering more than I know going home after having a great time up here? I truly worry about her dealing with being there with no support at all, not going to treatment, and dealing with her son (he has severe behavioral issues), and her ex who is not nice to her at all. Her mind changes like the weather, but I also need to protect my own emotions, no matter how much I love her.
Finally, in February, she texted me and said she'd be home in two days to see me for Valentine's Day. She said she was down and her friend and her friend's husband asked her to write what she wanted in a man. She looked at what she wrote down and claimed it was a description of me. They were paying for her to fly home to see me. We spent a few great days together and she went home. For a good two months, we had awesome video conversations. I got to see/talk to her now 5 year old son quite a bit. She began texting me that she loved me and told me I was the only person she cared enough about to get a relationship right with. Then, one day in May, I went on Facebook and saw her posts of pictures of another guy and gushing about how he was a "dream she didn't want to wake up from" and more. I was devastated. I told her it was disrespectful to make me find out that way and that I needed time away. She pleaded with me and tried to justify her dating was just to find out for sure. Time went by, and she contacted me telling me she was sick. She needed comforting. Apparently, the relationship with the guy was over. A few weeks later, she called me crying hysterically, saying she didn't know what she was doing with her life, that she couldn't control her PTSD, that it was destroying her and her son's life, and expressed frustration that the VA wasn't giving her enough help. As usual, my heart went out to her, obviously, I love her. She said she was absolutely going through with coming home. The only thing she flopped back and forth on was whether she live with me or her mom to start, though the push away/pull back and other PTSD symptoms seemed to only worsen.
In August, I arranged for her to fly home for 3 weeks. The first week, I saw the PTSD symptoms up close- she wouldn't meet my parents, rejected any trips to see friends, didn't want me to touch her, and threw out there that she need to "see if she could be attracted to me because I wasn't her typical type, physically). The last part really threw me for a loop. Where did that come from? I wasn't the type that she typically picked and hurt her, but she always made me feel like she found me very attractive. The next two weeks were awesome. She seemed so happy, and though the wall was there (no lip kissing or sex), she was warm and affectionate toward me. I saw a book in the bookstore about aromatherapy, which she used to help her condition. I took her there and bought it for her. She grabbed me, put her head on my chest, and hugged me so warmly right in front of everyone in line. It seemed like the barrier was finally down. She blasted photos of us together on Facebook and everyone assumed we were a couple. She called an "angel" God had given her. She talked to my mother for an hour and half (only her talking) about her condition, how she'd been wrong in choosing men, and that I was her getting it right. She spoke about being here permanently and being part of the family. She talked about repainting a room at my house, some rearraingments she'd make, us getting a jeep and a dog. She visited my 96 year old grandmother at the nursing home and told her she'd be back soon. Her son became VERY bonded to my parents and especially to me. He cried terribly and wouldn't let me go at the airport when she headed home. Her family was sad "to see me leave until Christmas", when she would come home again. Her sister cried and thanked me for being so great to her sister and to the family. Before she left, she asked that we talk every morning before work. I agreed. A week after she went back, she started to get distant. The Sunday of that week, she sent me a text with heart and kissing emojis. That Tuesday, she texted me (after I kept asking if she was OK) and told me she wasn't attracted to me, had no chemistry with me, and that she was staying there permanently. I was crushed. I reminded her of all she had said and promised. It was like it never happened. The more I reminded and told her I was confused, the angrier she got. I swear, the person texting me (she wouldn't talk on the phone with me) was a person I'd felt I'd never met before. She pretty much denied having feelings for me or having said anything to give me the idea that we had a romantic relationship in the works, ever. I sent her screenshots of texts that refuted that, and she told me "I'm over it" and cut me off. It felt like she had amnesia.
I've done a lot of research on PTSD to understand, and it's connection with BPD, memory loss, and depression. While it all explains a lot and shows examples of exactly what I've been dealing with, I still feel hollow, lost, and hurt. I take her at her word when she says she wants nothing with me and am in the process of accepting it, despite the hurt, and have stopped reaching out to her. I just feel like it's also her pushing me away, just more ferociously because we crossed a serious barrier. I'm going to take my own time for me, but should I just quit on her or is she suffering more than I know going home after having a great time up here? I truly worry about her dealing with being there with no support at all, not going to treatment, and dealing with her son (he has severe behavioral issues), and her ex who is not nice to her at all. Her mind changes like the weather, but I also need to protect my own emotions, no matter how much I love her.
