Dazed And Confused Spouse

[Jawn]

kclarkesocal,

Much of what you describe is how my wife's PTSD showed up. She has always worked hard (multiple jobs, volunteer work, dog rescue) and has been a perfectionist at EVERYTHING! Finally she crashed and is now getting help. I have no idea what her traumatic event was or even what type of therapy she is getting (all fairly new at this point). But she WANTS to get help and get better. It was a long road for her to get to that point, but now that she is wanting to go to therapy and really likes the therapist, I have some hope again.

I do wonder what the trauma was and when it happened, and maybe with time she will tell me.

 

[ISupportHer]

Are any of these feelings normal?

I am only one man, but in my experience, yes!

ISH

 

[LnSrvvr]

kclarksocal,

Having been on your wife's end of the relationship, I would have to say that you're doing pretty well so far.

I kept wondering why therapists would ask me if we were yelling at each other until one day I started screaming at her and kept it up for 4 months straight. I wasn't incoherent, I had real concerns that I needed to have addressed that had come up in therapy, I didn't feel that I was being listened to, and she didn't address those concerns even when she promised that she would.

We unconsciously tend to pick partners who are in some way like the people who caused the trauma in the first place. At some point, you may have to do some soul searching and start on your own path to growth and change. You've probably already started. There's a lot more to this than just being supportive. I'm not trying to scare you off but there can be greater difficulties in the future, there could be easier times ahead and, most likely, there will be both. It can turn out to be a very positive experience for you both but it can also be very painful.

I hope that things stay calm for you both. I know that it might not seem to be calm to you right now but it's all relative. Get as much support and info as you can from people who know PTSD from inside and out and try to gain as much spiritual insight as you can.

Neil

 

[Nicolette]

We unconsciously tend to pick partners who are in some way like the people who caused the trauma in the first place. At some point, you may have to do some soul searching and start on your own path to growth and change.

Totally agree Neil.

 

[Jawn]

So if sufferers unconsciously pick some one like the person who caused their trauma, how can that relationship ever work after the PTSD flares up? Is it that you get through therapy and learn how to manage the PTSD and also the relationship? I guess I am a little confused here.....well, I'm always confused lately! HA! ;-)

Jawn

 

[kclarkesocal]

I think all people have opportunities for growth and change, and all relationships have issues that both parties can work on, but I take some issue with being compared with a child molester. I hope that the only thing that we have in common is our gender.

 

[kclarkesocal]

An update from two years later. It appears that my relationship is coming to an end. I am willing to maintain our current status (which isn't really much of a normal relationship) indefinitely to see how things might work out, but she appears to have made her decision to go. I am very worried about my two kids and how this will all work for them.

In those two years we had three more hospitalizations, abuse of several more drugs, a potential diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, times which were almost normal, and times where I was almost a stranger.

Even with these last two years, it's hard for me to believe this is coming to an end. Given her history, I think that I am the only one in her life who has loved and cared for her for an extended period of time, and she's getting rid of me. There's a part of me that's ok with that -- the last couple of years have been very hard -- but there's a part of me that's not -- half a lifetime of memories and fears about what happens to the kids.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry to read of how things turned out. Wishing you the best and trusting your children will not suffer at the hands of illness.