Other Dealing With Ex-wife Who Has Ptsd And Co-dependency Issues

[Hashi]

My question- what I do when she constantly texts I hurt her and that now she has nothing to live for and no family- since she pushed her other family away.-- Thanks for any help- plus I can take any criticism. I have learned feedback is good and sometimes it may sting

I'm glad that you've been able to make the break from the marriage, having decided it wasn't right for you. You deserve your own life and your own happiness.

Are you clear on how much contact would be the right level for you now, and what form that would take? I'd suggest that you consider whether it's a good idea to keep contact open at all. If you want to remain in contact, I recommend that you decide how much, communicate it and - most importantly - stick to it. For example, to talk once a month on the phone, or once a week, or whatever it is. I'd suggest keeping it quite limited, to reinforce the fact that she needs to find support elsewhere.

If you're saying to her that she needs to be less dependent on you (and she does need to, from what you say), I think you have to back it up with your actions. You can't be available for her to contact you whenever she wants to. I think it would be a good idea to ask her not to text you at all, and tell her you won't read any texts. And then don't. Texts are too immediate as a method of contact. It sounds like you need more distance and structure in your contact arrangements.

It must be very difficult to have her say you hurt her, and now she has no-one. It's not fair on you, and I'd suggest telling her that. If she's in therapy, then this is for her to work through with her therapist. If she's not in therapy at the moment then it sounds like therapy would be a good idea (funded by herself, not you). Otherwise, I would make sure that she has the telephone numbers of a couple of crisis lines to ring if she's feeling overwhelmed, and I think that's where your responsibility ends with regard to this.

This might all sound harsh, but your ex-wife needs to work on recovery and to build her own life now. I think the history of your relationship together means that you supporting her isn't straightforward. It's not like support from a friend. It's likely to keep her stuck, she will be reminded of her loss, and she might even have unrealistic hopes, I think you'll be helping her most by setting strict limits on the amount of contact you have and the amount of support you give. You need to think about the effect on your new relationship too.

 

[Pinkcake]

I agree with no longer being in contact with her. It seems as though you being in contact with her means that her healing is at a standstill. I do hope you do not tell her that you care for her, as this can be taken as a false hope tha tyou will consider resuming a relationship.

Sometimes it takes us hitting a very low bottom before we begin to climb back out.

 

[Sailorgal]

MTravis,

You obviously did what you could. However, from your ex's standpoint (note that her reality is much different from yours), you were/are still a part of her life and she knows that you are aware that you are all she had. It's an awkward place because staying in so long, you are wanting to sever the tirs that you created.

Many people want out in an unhealthy relationship but do it at the end. Yes she has PTSD, but all this time you supported her and now want to walk away? You say you care? But...but...no doubt she is hurt. I'm not saying you are obligated to take care of her.

I think a gentle way of saying you did what you could because you cared, but you didn't want to hurt her. You were in an awkward spot as well. You did what you thought best but maybe it wasn't. But now it's time to move on.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Em Louise]

Very tough situation. Really sympathise. Was in a similar place years ago and all I would add is that if you really want to be with your new partner it is now HER you have to put first. Even the most supportive and secure woman will eventually tire of the shadow of an Ex hanging over her. Make her your priority. You sound like a nice person who has tried hard n come a long way. Put your energy into your new partner and hopefully you will have the healthy future you deserve. Best of luck

 

[KP the nut]

My question- what I do when she constantly texts I hurt her and that now she has nothing to live for and no family

Maybe try posting this question in the supporters relationships forum, you may receive more answers.
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/supporter-relationships.44/[/DLMURL]

 

[MTravis86]

Thank you all for your comments- I appreciate them. Yes, I think I gave her too much of a false hope though when I left, we never did any trips or live together for 4 years. It does feel good to finally have a good break and hope this helps her begin a new life. Yes I do care for her too, because she was with me for half my life before we split and there were good times too, just unfortunate we could not be that couple that could be together with the history we had thru our old age. Now to start new memories for the next half.