Dealing With The Thoughts Of What Could Have Been

[Bristol]

been forced to face this week my relationship with my family regarding the past. I was abused as a child by another family member, at the time no one found out, it wasn't until I was 15 years old when another family member started that everything came out. I was met by belief for the first but disbelief of the second, but to this day both are a secret that I am not allowed to bring up, that they don't bring up. It just seems to have been assumed that I got myself over it. The problem I am having is that I can't seem to get past the idea of how different everything could have been, how do you deal with the grief (I suppose it is) of not only a lost childhood but the feeling that even as a grown up that you are a dirty secret and an embarrassment? The TVs and films are full of best friend type mother and daughters but that is never a relationships I am going to have, we are civil and friendly but she never supported me with the past and won't be any time soon, never I expect. Ok that turned into a bit of a rant but any insight anyone can give me I would appreciate because I have been trying to get my head around this alone tonight and I'm not getting anywhere with it just falling further and further into the dark rabbit hole.

 

[ladee]

I did go thru that at one time in my recovery. I was in drug rehab and it was a very "lay it out on the table" place.
They weren't going to let you back on the street until you were aware of what kept you drunk and high.
I had to do a role playing thing where addressed people in my life.. The only one I could do was to myself. The counselor was getting frustrated because I wouldn't talk to anyone.
PTSD was just starting to get mainstream attention.
And very little of that.
What was happning was because I felt responsible for all my pain. If I hadn't done xyz..then I could have finished schools etc.
But the flood gates opened. And I started listing everything I had missed..it was a gut wrenching experience and I was exhausted when it was over.
But then for a long timed I grieved..about all that was lost.
So I do understand. Speak your truth about your loss and grieve what could have been.
I came to a place of acceptance this was the hand I was dealt..but not before I was very sad about the losses.
I do understand.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I never shared my abuse when it happened as I was afraid I'd be blamed, and luckily didn't live with them. I didn't tell my mom until this past year or so. Then the abuser (a distant much older cousin) passed away and now I feel I've lost the chance to speak up without folks saying he's not here to defend himself. So it's still hush hush in the extended family. We were always viewed as "problem children" and had our souls squashed through the years in various ways. I'd like to share with them what was done to us, but honestly don't feel I have the energies to have to explain or try to convince them it's true.

I've been in existence for 49 years, so far, and can't recall my mom ever speaking the words "I love you". She still doesn't, even after me telling her how much I'd love to hear it, and it makes her quite uncomfortable to hear it from others. She wasn't raised that way and no matter how much I wish she'd warmly embrace me, kiss my forehead, and tell me that she loves me, I've finally come to recognize and accept that it will never happen. The closest I'll get is seeing the "Love, Mom" signed on cards.

I have to actively show myself the love that she couldn't/can't. Otherwise, I'll never get it. And it's been a real bitch trying to navigate all the feelings and digging up the roots. I hear ya' and I feel your pain. Pamper and nurture thyself every chance you get. Keeping things as simple and accessible as I can are key for me in being able to follow through healthily. I'm going to try writing about it, too, by finally getting it all down on paper to get a good look at myself and see if that helps get it out of my head and heart to make more room for happier things.

 

[Bristol]

Thank you @ladee im so sorry that this is something you have experienced too. I think this is the first time I have ventured past the idea that everything that happened and happened as a result was my thought that maybe there were people that could and should have played a role.

Thank you @Tornadic Thoughts also sorry that you know how this feels too. My first abuser died as the second abuser started so I know exactly what you mean about not talking about people that can't defend themselves. My mum has always said she loved us and seems to care but I think that's why I can't work out her reaction on all this. She never suggested I had therapy or any help, she gave me a bottle of fake tan to cover my self harm scars and moved me back home and we were never to talk of it again, she burnt all my journals and that somehow was supposed to cure everything? I will go for your suggestion of looking after me, I just feel so hurt and angry tonight but just going to have to move through it

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

In between taking care of me, I also go see a T at a local abuse shelter. I had stopped going for a while, but recently felt the tsunami of emotions rolling back in and started up again. It takes a village. And gathering one up is like trying to herd cats, especially in the midst of emotional turmoil. Wishing you loving support and much relief.

 

[Bristol]

In between taking care of me, I also go see a T at a local abuse shelter. I had stopped goin...

I have an abuse T and i started this with her tonight but it just seems to have snowballed since the end of our session. Thank you for replying

 

[ladee]

What do you do to help calm yourself and slow the snowball down?
I know I would journal. Didn't have to make sense to anyone but me.
I'm sorry for all of us having to look at the "could have beens"
Sending gentle hugs for such a rough day.

 

[Bristol]

What do you do to help calm yourself and slow the snowball down?
I know I would journal. Didn't have to m...

I do normally journal but i cant seem to bring myself to write about this im just not sure why, i can do it on here just cant physically hold a pen at the moment

 

[Sea_lady]

@Bristol1485 Hey, How are you today?...

You are not alone in this case. I have often wondered what my life would have been if I haven't been through all the violence that broke me... I think such questions are legitimate, and normal in the process of grieving the losses caused by the abuses. However, it is important to not dwell for too long on such thoughts because they are painful, bitter, depressing and generate a lot of anger; all that stuff can eventually become toxic, and you must protect yourself. At some point, it will be time to move on with your life and you will then decide whether you will cut off some relationships, or keep them after all.

It is complicated... Finding the right balance...

That would be better if you could get help from your family, but in some families, help is never coming. Blood relationships does not necessarily lead members to care for each others. On the other hand, you'll meet strangers who will give a hand, lift you up, sometimes make a whole difference. People you'd never imagined you could meet.

Maybe one day you will meet this special someone with who you'll fall in love and make your own family with them. This person will care, listen and be there. Who knows?

You are far from being an isolated case. Like you said, in real life, things don't turn like in films or TV. I understand your disappointment. That is very unfair for survivors like us, because we need all the help we can get, and silence and distance that you seem to experience are often making things worse.

It took me some time to understand that sometimes, people "make as if nothing happened" because they simply cannot cope with the truth, that would destroy them too. Self-preservation is a powerful instinct. It is not impossible some of them feel guilty for not being able to speak up. Who knows what's in their mind?... What I mean is that his is a very complex situation. There are also the people who try to help you, and you can't see it. That happened to me when I was a child.

In any case, you are not a "dirty secret" nor "an embarrassment". Not you.
Your abusers, on the other hand, most probably are. Sometimes, people can't help survivors because the latter remind them of the attacker, and that just block everything.

Anyway, if you need to speak, you can always come and post on the forum. = ) Here, you are listened to. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I had a meltdown last night about the could have been stuff (was abused by both parents, boyfriends and boys who were not boyfriends in the first 16 years of my life) I had to use a lot of distractions, music, games, drawing etc just to ground myself. I think it takes time to get through this stuff, but I believe we can all, eventually stop needing to suffer so much over it. Those tv shows and movies with perfect mother daughter relationships are purely fictional, everyone has problems at some point. What helps is reminding myself that I deserved better and to focus on the possible good people I could meet and have in my future.

 

[ladee]

For all of us.. There does come a time to stop suffering. Pain happens. Suffering is a choice.
I'm not talking about grief..I'm talking about suffering.
Never cutting ourself any slack. Not accepting our human limitations.
Not having hope.
I recently did something and embarresed myself. I apologized..but I felt sooo stupid.
I am not stupid. I made a mistake. Own it, let it go and move on.
Not quite there yet because I am very tired tonight.
I won't feel this way tomorrow. I've suffered enough at others hands. I won't do this to myself because it makes me no better than them if I suffer.
It does change. It does get different. It does get better.
Gentle hugs for all of us.

 

[Bristol]

@Sea_lady I think you are spot on with the self-preservation thing on my mum's part. It's easy for me to sit here and say she shouldn't have approached it like that but I am coming from the position of knowing all about it, not dealing with the aftermath of it I suppose, I don't know I have a battle between wanting to be an adult and seeing it from her point of view and getting really angry because child me wants to be rescued. It's a good old complicated mess. Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

@C j thanks for replying, sorry to hear that this stuff got to you last night, hope you feel better today. I like your idea of meeting good people in the future. Not been able to think about the future beyond tomorrow but maybe I need to try and expand my mind on this a bit.

Still a big issue for me at the moment but so grateful to have you all here for your advice.