Sexual Assault Definitions

[katurian]

I know I wasn't raped. I need to know if I'm allowed to call what happened sexual assault. I don't want to use the term if it takes away from anyone else's suffering or the seriousness of their experiences. I know mine wasn't that serious.

When I was hospitalized at 16, I was made to remove my clothes and stand naked while nurses catalogued all the scars on my body. I said I didn't want to do it and was told that didn't matter and it would happen anyway, but it was up to me whether I wanted it to happen "the hard way or the easy way." Meaning they would call guards in to remove my clothes if I didn't comply. This happened on many separate occasions given the fact that I was hospitalized three times.

One of the times I was there, while I was being physically assaulted by guards for going back to my room against instruction, they bent me over the cot in an isolation room, removed my pants and underwear, and gave me a sedative. I was immobilized over the cot and had my pants and underwear removed against my will.

And I know this is just a test and probably doesn't count, but when I was 12 I had something put into my vagina in the ER by a doctor. No one told me it was going to happen and it was extremely distressing for me. I peed on the nurse by accident and she yelled at me. Because of this, I've never seen a gynocologist and can't bring myself to. Doctors also stuck their fingers up my butt without asking permission.

 

[Suzetig]

It's a difficult one because as distressing as those experiences were to you, they were standard medical practice at one point - and not that long ago in the scheme of things. I remember watching a documentary about a child in hospital being given a sedative anally and the violation of the child was barely commented on. I think for it to sexual assault there needs to be some level of sexual gratification on the part of the perpetrators, ie it was done for sexual purposes while what you describe sounds more like medical purposes.

That doesn't in any way minimise the level of violation that occurred, or make it less intrusive or indeed less appalling. I think sometimes we "rank" trauma as a way of allowing our strong feelings about it and sexual trauma very often comes at the top of the list, so to speak. What happened to you was terrible, and will of course leave its mark, including possibly impacting your sexual development and pleasure.

Are you in therapy at the moment, can your therapist help you unlock this?

 

[joeylittle]

One of the times I was there, while I was being physically assaulted by guards for going back to my room against instruction, they bent me over the cot in an isolation room, removed my pants and underwear, and gave me a sedative. I was immobilized over the cot and had my pants and underwear removed against my will.

Was this in a psychiatric ward? And, are you able to write about what happened after that? Do you remember?

 

[katurian]

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It's a difficult one because as distressing as those experiences were to you, they were standard medica...

By standard, does that mean you think it was right? The psych ward one, I mean. Because I don't want to be upset about something that I deserved. But I don't know if I deserved it. I don't think I did. I just went back to my room. Do you think there's a difference between sexual assault and sexual trauma? Could what happened be referred to as sexual trauma even though the people who did it weren't doing it for the reason of sexual gratification? Because it felt sexual to me, being on the receiving end of it, in terms of my body and the way it felt.

I am in therapy. I feel like I have to define things or they don't matter. Because I feel like if it wasn't sexual assault, then I'm being ridiculous for feeling the way I feel about it.

Was this in a psychiatric ward? And, are you able to write about what happened after that? Do you r...

Yeah, it was in a psych ward.

 

[joeylittle]

Could what happened be referred to as sexual trauma even though the people who did it weren't doing it for the reason of sexual gratification? Because it felt sexual to me, being on the receiving end of it, in terms of my body and the way it felt.

Do you remember what happened after they sedated you?

 

[katurian]

Do you remember what happened after they sedated you?

I have dissociative amnesia. It's a lot better now though, the amnesia. They didn't rape me or anything like that, if that's what you're asking. They left and didn't lock the isolation door so I went back to my room and hid under the covers. The guards came in and ripped the blanket off me, got on the bed with me, and grabbed me. I tried to get away but they got a hold of me. They each grabbed one of my arms and dragged me down the hall and all the skin came off my feet. My shoulder had previously been dislocated when they took me to the isolation room the first time. It's a long story. Then they threw me in and either weren't aiming or didn't care because I missed the cot and landed on the floor. They locked the door. Then the sedative started to kick in and I passed out. They wouldn't let me out until I'd spent 15 sitting on the cot but I couldn't sit up because I was so sedated. So I don't know how long I was in solitary confinement.

 

[Suzetig]

By standard, does that mean you think it was right?

No, absolutely not. There's a reason that medical practice has changed - because some of what they did was very wrong, violated the dignity of patients and was both traumatic and abusive. I meant that there may have been no sexual intention behind what they did, more that they wanted to administer whatever treatment was needed at any cost, and used their power to do so.

You were treated very badly, and it wasn't right. I understand the need to define what happened to explain why you're having such difficulties now and labelling something as sexual assault can feel like it gives it more credibility. Most definitions of sexual assault in children I've come across talks about the child being used as a source of sexual gratification for the perpetrator. Unless something else happened, I don't see the perpetrators seeking sexual gratification so much as wanting you to comply with medical treatments against your wish - medical assault, if you will. If it happened now, I suspect the perpetrators would be charged with physical assault... actually, as I right this, they would also possibly be charged with sexual assault too... so I might be barking up the wrong tree in thinking about definitions of abuse.

The main thing is that you feel physically and sexually violated, those feelings are very real and worthy of attention. You didn't deserve what happened to you, it was very wrong and absolutely not your fault.

 

[joeylittle]

Well, that's assault. And I'm not sure there's actually a difference between sexual assault and physical assault. One involves the genitalia, true, but both involve the body. Your body was seriously abused. The medical test when you were 12 and unprepared for it, that did involve your genitals. Legally, it wouldn't be sexual assault because that wasn't the intent, if it was an exam. But it still can have been a physical assault that you were unprepared for, and experienced as traumatic.

Not the same, but a kind of related example - I had surgery recently and woke up early from the anesthesia. Waking up was really very frightening, it was an intense experience with pain and confusion and immobility, and they were unaware of it at first.

It's not malpractice - it falls within the parameters of what can happen, when you have surgery. But it was horrible, and it not being malpractice doesn't diminish the horror, for me.

You were in a psych ward, and it is a wrong, wrong thing - but forced sedation happens, and patients are physically assaulted. The fact that it's common doesn't make it OK. And it doesn't need to have been sexual assault for you to have felt violated. You were drugged, you were beaten, you were dragged, you were thrown. I'm really glad you weren't raped, thank you for sharing that you weren't.

I know I wasn't raped. I need to know if I'm allowed to call what happened sexual assault. I don't want to use the term if it takes away from anyone else's suffering or the seriousness of their experiences. I know mine wasn't that serious.

I went back and read your introduction post. Your poor body took a whole lot of abuse, both at home, and repeatedly, in various hospital settings. I personally don't think you need to diminish your suffering by saying, it wasn't as serious as sexual assault. It's not the same as sexual assault, but it's no less damaging in it's own way. And, there are many people who experience feeling violated or assaulted during medical examinations, especially those involving the genitalia. It's not always sexual assault (sometimes, it is) - but it's physical assault involving the sex organs. I don't know if that gives you a way to think about it without mislabeling it or diminishing it. The most important thing, to me, is that you not diminish it.

Hope this helps - take what's useful, ignore the rest.

 

[katurian]

Well, that's assault. And I'm not sure there's actually a difference between sexual assault and phy...

This is very helpful, thank you. I think I'm going to stop talking about it now though for a bit because I'm finding this upsetting. It's nothing you said though so please don't think that. This conversation is just making me confront how much did happen and that scares me because usually I don't think of it as a serious, or I try to avoid thinking of it that way. I hope this makes sense.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't think of it as a serious, or I try to avoid thinking of it that way. I hope this makes sense.

Absolutely. I think many of us identify with going through that discovery, of the facts of what happened, and how well we've minimalized it in order to cope/survive. Check this post out, when you have a chance - it's useful: MyPTSD - Reading Forum Increases Symptoms!

 

[katurian]

I've thought about this and I realized I need to stop asking other people for permission about how to define things. I have to be able to define them myself or I'll never feel power over events. I don't need other people's permission. I don't know if my definitions are accurate but they're no less accurate than anyone who has tried to define this for me. It wasn't done for the purpose of sexual gratification but that's a common misconception about what sexual assault is. Sexual assault is done for reasons of power and control, not because someone is lonely or horny. What happened was a violation of my body and because I was naked, it felt sexual to me. The way my unclothed body was held down felt sexual. The way my naked body was scrutinized felt sexual. And the tests I had as a child negatively impacted my sexuality and were not done with any kindess, consideration, or sensitivity. The latter was a medical test but what was done in the psych ward wasn't done for medical purposes, it was done as punishment, making it inherently assaultive.

I understand that the intent of the people who did it wasn't sexual. But what matters more, intention or consequence? Going by their intent allows them to be the ones to define my experience.

 

[katurian]

I have talked about this extensively with my therapist in the past months and she encouraged me to refer to it as sexual assault, stressing there are different types of sexual assualt. I think I'll talk about this with her again but I don't want her permission to be what makes me define this in any particular way. I want to make up my own mind.