Sideways
Moderator
One of my more complicated parts (12 years old) has a space of her own internally which she designed herself as the place she wants to exist.
Me personally, I think it's pretty messed up, but she designed it to look exact like the room where a lot of my worst trauma occurs. She spends her time in that room, internally. It's a space that she's familiar with - it's where my brain created her, and she was never needed outside that room. So, in that respect, it feels safe to her. It's where she knows, but it's also a space that she doesn't want to leave (trauma bonding issues), and a space that she's too afraid to leave.
So, I think I get it - the space our abuse creates internally for us to survive does feel safe in a lot of ways. And it's very much our internal reality.
But I guess my hope for you, @Polyfractal , is that maybe one day you get to create a sense of internal safety, that you can escape to for short periods, that isn't related to your abuse at all. A space where you can claim a new sense of what is safe for yourself, rather than the kind of 'safe' that you needed to create to survive. A place that's actually pleasant and soothing, and more about your future (and what you want that to look like, internally as well as externally), rather than being about surviving your past.
Just...don't give up on wanting something nicer for yourself. Internally, you're allowed to create a sense of self that you want, now. I think maybe that's what recovery is about, rather than just surviving, you know?
But hey, there are no right or wrongs with 'internal safe spaces'. If what you've got works? That's brilliant, it really is. Knowing yourself is complicated work. Don't let anyone else tell you who you are, or who you should be - we've had more than enough of that in our past.
Me personally, I think it's pretty messed up, but she designed it to look exact like the room where a lot of my worst trauma occurs. She spends her time in that room, internally. It's a space that she's familiar with - it's where my brain created her, and she was never needed outside that room. So, in that respect, it feels safe to her. It's where she knows, but it's also a space that she doesn't want to leave (trauma bonding issues), and a space that she's too afraid to leave.
So, I think I get it - the space our abuse creates internally for us to survive does feel safe in a lot of ways. And it's very much our internal reality.
But I guess my hope for you, @Polyfractal , is that maybe one day you get to create a sense of internal safety, that you can escape to for short periods, that isn't related to your abuse at all. A space where you can claim a new sense of what is safe for yourself, rather than the kind of 'safe' that you needed to create to survive. A place that's actually pleasant and soothing, and more about your future (and what you want that to look like, internally as well as externally), rather than being about surviving your past.
Just...don't give up on wanting something nicer for yourself. Internally, you're allowed to create a sense of self that you want, now. I think maybe that's what recovery is about, rather than just surviving, you know?
But hey, there are no right or wrongs with 'internal safe spaces'. If what you've got works? That's brilliant, it really is. Knowing yourself is complicated work. Don't let anyone else tell you who you are, or who you should be - we've had more than enough of that in our past.