Demented Grandma - Part Ii

[joeylittle]

So, back I go. What a massive waste of time and money this all was.

I'm replying late - but I just wanted to say, things don't always move as fast as you are describing.

Call social services. Start the process with your grandmother. Your family doesn't want you in the house, fine, but they sound like really pretty passive people. So they will be turning the house over to the bank (?) and etc, etc.

I think the two months that you need to wait it out to get your child a social security number is really going to go by just fine. Honestly. Besides, even if it doesn't - what you need to do right now (I think) is kill time til the baby is sorted out. So, just see how much time you can buy. But honestly - it does not sound realistic that you would call social services and the next day you would be out on the street. Your family has been avoiding this issue for a long time (grandma), and they will now have to decide who wants to hold the ball on disposing of the house. This is going to take them awhile.

 

[The Albatross]

Keep your eye on the ball.

 

[Sideways]

Doing a realistic appraisal of the pros and cons is always going to be tough with a bombshell like unstable housing is hanging over you. Yeah, there are pros to going back, insofar is it's "getting away" and you'll potentially be more secure financially.

At the same time, I don't think you came to the US because there would be some gloriously supportive family waiting for you. Services for bubs, and opportunities for you (like returning to study) - they motivated you to go through a lot of shite to get back to the states, and it seems like going back to the Ukraine because grandma has dementia is, well...extreme????

Current housing and financial situations need addressing. But the grass isn't necessarily greener in the Ukraine. That's a long way to go to get away from here. Putting aside the proximity of stalking, abusive dad & his entourage who was threatening to pursue custody: you had doctors, but even so, you were neay unable to get admitted to hospital to even give birth, and when bubs wouldn't stop crying because something was seriously wrong, you got abused instead of getting help. Your old boss? Not a great person, and put you in a situation which amplified the realistic lack of rights you had. Roommate was bringing weirdos into your home and again, you were confronted by the issues of lack of real, enforceable basic rights just to sustain a level of safety in your own home. And getting through the diplomatic red tape when you wanted to escape? Again, you were struggling to get you and your baby's rights into play.

I can understand that finding the right place to settle is key. But please do try and be realistic about why you left, why you chose to fight tooth and nail to get back to the US, and the reality of what you'd be going back to. For me, access to adequate medical care for bubs would be a big issue, and you're experiences of getting medical care (any care, much less adequate care) wasn't crash hot.

The situation you're in now? I can understand why your impulse is to run. But if you do leave, try and be realistic with yourself about where you're going and what is really waiting for you when you get there.

There are options. They don't all involve running, but they might require patience and persistence.

 

[Casey_03]

It's not just because Grandma has dementia though. It's because Grandma is dangerous. She asked me to pick her up groceries today with her car -- I did. She then called the police and told them I stole it, as well as all other family members, telling them all I'm some sort of criminal. I saw her abusing my cat after that incident, and she told me she hopes my baby gets pneumonia and dies. There is something wrong with the heater in my room, so I asked her if I could move into another room (it's a big house) for the baby's sake, and her response was that she hopes my baby dies. There are about a dozen other frightening things she's done in addition to that. This is not just a confused old woman, this is a demented old woman who poses a threat to the baby. I caught her opening his bottles earlier and doing God knows what. Not sure if she managed to put anything in them, but I disposed of them and am now not able to keep anything refrigerated. She has also physically blocked me from getting to my baby when he's crying, thrown his stroller down the steps, apparently in a bid to break it (he wasn't in it). I spoke to the WIK office and social services about my situation and they said there is very little they can do right now and I should just find other family to stay with. Guess what? There is no other family to stay with, there is no one. It's Ukraine or a homeless shelter.

 

[Heather]

Caey, they can't force you out of the house...if you refuse to leave they would have to evict you and that takes time...you'd definitely have the babies s.s.# before they could ever legally remove you from the house.

Just food for thought.

 

[Casey_03]

I also have to reiterate the post I made earlier about her leaving needles around his crib -- she's done it again. I cannot stress enough -- this is not just some demented old woman, this is a very dangerous, very sick woman who has a disturbing fixation on my baby. Honestly, I'd take the stress I had in Ukraine over this. There was no one actively threatening my baby there. The father was always harassing me, but he wasn't in Ukraine.

 

[Sideways]

Trying not to underestimate the safety issues associated with gran.

Just suggesting that there's options between here and Ukraine. You had to fight to leave Ukraine. Going straight back?

Some temporary options are going to be shitty. Homeless shelter? Shitty option. Temporary though. Womens shelter where there's going to be other kids? Shitty option, but maybe a bit better, maybe a way to get connected to services you need.

Moving interstate, somewhere cheaper? Another option.

Idk. I can't imagine the situation you're in. But straight back to the nightmare that you had to fight to get out of? The things you were escaping were very real. A reason to fight to cross the world with bub. The opportunities you were after...Housing wasn't the only reason you fled Ukraine. Is it enough of a reason to go straight back?

Maybe some US members who've had to find a safe refuge with a bub could share options and insight into what that's like? Getting adequate care for gran - what's that going to be like? Everything will take time. Stepping onto a plane may feel safer (and maybe it is), but it's not an instant fix, and given you fled from there once, brainstorming oher options might be of value??

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 Ok, so we've heard everything that she had done to you, to frighten you. What have you done to protect yourself and baby. Have you called the police? Have you called social services? Have you called adult protective services? If I was that frightened for my baby, I would be at a shelter, where at least my child would be safe.

I understand that you are frightened, but honestly, what have you done proactively to protect yourself and baby?

 

[Casey_03]

I'm sorry @She Cat, I find it a bit insulting that you seem to be implying I've done nothing. Though perhaps it is just too easy to misread tone on this forum. I have already contacted social services, as I wrote elsewhere in this thread -- I was advised to move in with other family and told that yes, I can get on WIK and other programs to assist with food and medicaid, but nothing that would give me housing. I have an appointment this week for WIK, but again, that does nothing to solve my housing dilemma.

And yes, I've contacted adult protective services and was advised to contact her primary physician and the company that sends her a nurse twice a week. I did contact both of them. The doctor said he does not believe she needs more intensive care, based on an evaluation conducted a month ago, and the company taking care of her said she is only entitled to two days a week in accordance with her insurance. When I explained that she was a threat to my baby, they said as long as she has not physically tried to harm him, her symptoms are typical of the paranoia experienced by dementia patients and nothing more. I am now in the process of trying to set up a new evaluation for her, but as I am not her legal guardian and I have no legal power, I cannot force her to go.

As for a shelter, I honestly don't see how that would be any better. I'm not familiar with shelters, but I can think of a few reasons why that would be worse. For one, I am working, now full time, and need to be completely alone with good Internet to work (I now work through the night so that my Grandma cannot bother me). In addition, I pump breast milk every few hours, and from what I know of this city's shelters, there's no privacy to do that there. At best, there are several woman to each room.

I'm sorry @She Cat that I have not been proactive enough for you.

But I'm sincerely glad to know that you've got it all figured out and you'd know exactly what to do, and I am somehow not living up to your expectations of what one should do when faced with an impossible task like this. I've installed a lock on my door, bought my own refrigerator and appliances so that I don't have to leave the room, sought out money to get my own place, applied for dozens of jobs, looked at cheap apartments that i probably cannot afford, all while taking care of a newborn alone 24/7 and working a full time job. I'm sorry I have not been proactive enough for you. But again, thank God YOU have it all figured out so you can sit around and pass judgment on people.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 Think what you want of my last post, that's your choice. I'm concerned with only the safety of you and your child. You put in place tempory safety measures. But, I think you are missing the bigger picture. Your grandmother is the immediate threat. Please call Elder Services they will be the one place that can deal with her and your family. They will step in,and if they feel she is a threat to you or herself they will force the family to deal with her. Either full time help or by placing her in a home. The state will then take her home, but that will take time. Time that you need to make plans. As said before, eviction takes time also and a judge would likely give you 6 months to find suitable housing.

 

[aut555]

She sounds scary as hell. I understand your concern. Sounds like she needs some meds to slow her down. You really should discuss the possibility of her physically harming you or your child with the psychiatrist. He is bound by law to report certain things to the police like threats etc. Maybe he then would prescribe her some type of med., but she may end up locked up too. If you report this to her MD, this should buy you a little time and her, maybe more care or meds or both.

 

[dulcia]

They're totally different departments, but same field, and IME in addition to helping your grandmother, can also at least point you in the right direction -if not placing a few calls and getting balls & court orders rolling- to help you. It's not an uncommon situation, unfortunately, that a vulnerable familiy member is blackmailed into not reporting what's happening with another vulnerable family member.

I didn't read through all the replies, so I apologize if someone else has already expanded on this.

In most states -- Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services (or whatever their respective names are in your state) are under the same departmental umbrella. With that being said:
- You have the option to anonymously call and report elder abuse. Often cases you can even do it online, as opposed to by phone.
- Don't let fear of Child Protective Services becoming involved in your own situation deter you.
- If Adult Protective Services becomes involved with your grandmother, they are a good resource for support services you may be able to benefit from, whether you decide to stay or not.
- You can be held accountable if an investigation into your grandma's situation is started and found validated for elder abuse (determined that there is elder abuse/neglect going on), so I would seriously consider reporting ASAP, whether you do it anonymously or not.

Just some thoughts from someone who has had a little experience with the social services system :) Changes vary from state to state, but most information for where you are should be available through a simple google search.