Denial... For How Long?

[Thinkingman85]

For about three weeks, I have been going to therapy. For one week, I have been on medication (Prozac). The reason I am on Prozac is because there is a feeling that death is always attacking me and causing depression or that life is working against me. For a while, I've realized that my defense mechanism against this is denial. If I don't take my medication, the feeling attacks fiercely. It seems that I may be at the tipping point in my PTSD journey. My brain wants to continue to deny my previous traumas, but there is a part of me that is tiring out and getting fed up with this. There is always a dualism... a side of me that wants to continue to deny my trauma (and live with depression/lack of wholeness) and a side of me that wants to accept everything. However, there is an underlying intuition that if I open up the floodgates and let memories rush in, I will not be able to handle it. Does anyone else on this forum have these feelings? Has anyone overcame denial and has been able to achieve a state of normality again?

 

[Shellbell]

You have described exactly how I feel right now. I was in denial about the severity of my worst trauma's for 20 years. The the PTSD crash happened and I can't control the nightmares every night, the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and memories - it feels like I'm being tormented day and night.

Now, I swing between desperately wanting the block it all out again and then knowing I need to deal with it, but too scared that I can't handle the pain and severity of it all.

I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm glad that we both share similar experiences so we can learn about getting better. Prozac is definitely helping me. Every time that I take it, the PTSD symptoms are less severe and it feels like I am rebalancing as a person. It is helping me think about my issues. I hope you feel better :).

 

[Abstract]

I used to be in total denial and as I started coming out I had the most insane experiences. I felt like was literally at war with myself and still often do. I don't feel able to yet say exactly how that looked but suffice it to say that I felt and often still feel a bit insane.

My denial in recent years has often caused me so much pain that it is no better than facing the (possible?) truth as it comes with extreme self hatred and self destructive thoughts. Sorry to get carried away :) but wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It will get better in time. Gradually if you keep working on yourself you will find a way out of the dark mist. I am wishing you the very best. Go easy on yourself you have alot of work to do I think. You did not get this way overnight and it will take as long as it takes. There is hope and healing. Hang on and do not give up.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Wow! Reading the posts just turned a light on. Ding Ding Ding! I sometimes change the subject or try not to hear my T and I did this at my last appointment. I caught myself. I asked her why did she think I do that. She said maybe I didn't want to get better, but that's not it at all! It is..... denial!

I am unknowingly sabotaging my progress when things get to overwhelming and scary. I want to avoid the issues and the truth sometimes. I am going to be at this longer than I need to if I do not stop blocking my progress with denial.


Oh thanks everyone for opening my eyes!:joyful:

 

[Thinkingman85]

I have an awareness that there are two identities. There is a pre-trauma me (for 21 years) and a post-trauma me (for five years). The pre-trauma me was sane and confident in his identity and character. The post-trauma me wants to believe that he is sane and confident in his identity and character, but he is aware that this isn't his true identity. I always want to reconnect to the pre-trauma me. Like someone being thirsty for a drink of water, I want to be reconnected with who I am.

However, there are always excuses that keep me in denial whether it's all of the horrible mistakes I've made (which makes me doubt how I can ever see myself as a sane person again), how bad I was treated emotionally and sexually, how different I've acted in the past five years, how I've made decisions and threatened and lost friendships, that I will be severely depressed and hate myself and I won't want to live if I reconnect, etc. These are some examples of excuses that keep me from reconnecting to my sane and authentic identity... the real me. My mind doubts me being capable of getting back to who I am, yet I long for it. I know that I can get back to a normal state. Does anyone else feel similar?

 

[Artfulone]

Dear Thinkingman,

Thank you and well done for finding the courage to describe the way you feel. I have had some similar experiences with denial, mine were combined with very powerful dissociative mechanisms. I have felt a similar dualism, it was a somewhat di-psychic split (di-psychism refers to the study of the dual self, one of the earliest models of dissociation in psychotherapeutic texts). This di-psychic splitting and other forms of dissociation and denial were very much prevalent in my earlier years of trauma therapy.

This dualism along with other forms of dissociation tend to get much better and go away with long term regular specialised trauma therapy. I feel it less and less now and have mostly overcome it. It has taken me seven years of therapy and self growth. I still expect to be in therapy for another two to three years -the journey of overcoming and transcending the symptom clusters that comprise my disorder(s). The maxim "three steps forward and two steps back" is often used on this site and can be very applicable to many if not all upon the journey of repairing the damage done by trauma. It may be worth mentioning abreaction as a term to study. If you are early on in therapy you are likely to abreact greatly and this can be very disconcerting at first, so it helps to understand part of what may be going on.

It is natural to deny one's traumas and try to push them away, particularly if these are mechanisms that one has used to protect oneself previously from the effects of traumatisation. Such reactions often become "shematised and scripted", so it is natural to follow old schemata (scripted patterns) to protect oneself. As one gets further down the path of growth and letting go, one often learns to adapt and change these mechanisms. Awareness and acceptance of these patterns and the reasons one has used them can often help in management of symptoms. This can help in bringing control of the mechanisms from the sub-conscious mind into the conscious mind, thus discouraging further dualism/ di-psychic splitting and further the adaptive use and change of these mechanisms.

I hope that this makes sense and is not to technical for you. Best wishes upon your journey.

 

[saffy]

I used to try and deny it, I found I was only lying to myself.

I try to make things as easy as I can in most cases. Sometimes I make too much unneccessary drama or upset for myself. I also like to think that although it did happen I am going to learn why and what I could have done better and use this for the future. I am stronger and can recognise things better now for it.

No one should have to go through this though, they are hard lessons. But if you find yourself in this situation what best can you do for yourself so that you can continue with a much more relaxed and happy mind.


Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the responses. I understand. Sometimes I wonder if I am deficient in certain neurotransmitters such as serotonin or dopamine. What makes me very angry is that I am not consciously choosing to have a defense mechanism up. I do not want any defense mechanisms up. I understand that my brain is trying to keep me alive, but I want to feel normal again... even if I would be in a lot of pain without any defenses.

 

[Abstract]

Thingman,
I have just started my own thread about denial. Thank you for discussing this. I often feel like I must just be truly crazy or have something physiological wrong. I feel truly crazy and literally am at war with myself. I would actually welcome any amount of emotional pain if it came with clarity over this stuff.

 

[saffy]

defense mechanisms up

HI thinkingman85

SOmetimes breaking our own defenses is a lot harder than breaking others. It's like a personal battle. I think it is important thought to understand what these defense mechanisms mean and why they are there. Denial is a defense mechanism, of course, but it is hard to make yourself beleive something never happened when it did. So this will cause extra conflict and not aid healing.

FInding other ways of defending yourself is like changing your current mind process. I think getting to the nitty gritty of why you feel denial is your only option at the moment.

By denying it did not happen what else are you denying?
What are you trying to take away inside by denying it happening? Pain? memories? reactions?

I hope you find some solace to your torment TM85 :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)