Depressed And Fighting Urge To Self Harm

[catjudo]

I've been really depressed for months. Every time it seems to be getting better, I slide back down again. You know...two steps forward, one step back. Or sometimes it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling really overwhelmed. I don't really know why, the feeling is just there. I can't shake it. Yesterday I started getting that feeling like cutting would bring a sense of relief. I'm trying so hard to fight the urge. I know the usual things to do instead of cutting (ice, rubber band, etc). Ideally, I'd like to continue to keep myself from even resorting to one of those things. What do you do to resist the urge? I'm trying to just keep myself distracted as much as possible but I'm scared that I can't keep that up...especially as it gets later into the night.

If I feel like I can't resist the urge, I promise myself to try a substitute instead of actually cutting. But what do others do to keep from getting to that point even? How do I resist the urge?

 

[pilot70]

Hi, I think if you try to write your feelings down, you might be able to distract yourself from those nasty thoughts. Put everything in writing, don't force yourself to write though, just write what is bothering you.

I know lots going on on your mind, write them down on Microsoft word or whatever, and save them some place no one can read them, and every time you get those those nasty thoughts, just start writing and I hope that would help.

<Edited for grammar and paragraph insert.>

 

[catjudo]

I think part of the problem is I'm overwhelmed by feelings that I can't really identify. It feels like more than I can handle, but I can't really explain it or describe it. So there really isn't something for me to write about...I think it would frustrate me more than help me. The urge to cut, I think, is about at least being able to identify what is hurting me in the moment. Of course, I know that it isn't really a solution and that's why I'm trying to avoid it.

 

[SilentWhisper]

I know what you are explaining all too well. Over the course of 2 days I have cut myself 15 times. In the past say month I have cut over 30 times. I also have the rule that I will try all I can before I actually cut. But to be honest this week I just gave up.

I'm quite an arty person so I draw when I want to cut (sometimes I just can't give a damn to draw)
Sometimes I cry (spent the last 2 days crying)
Someone on youtube suggested masturbation and exercise
Attacking a pillow or punch bag
Sleeping (I went to sleep at 2pm for the past 2 days which is why I'm awake now at nearly 3am)
Watching a film (comedy) or listen to calm music
Write poems or other things to express
Play action games
Invest in a stress ball (that will only help if I can throw it at someone haha)
Take a cold shower or bath
Be around others that make you happy
Yoga/meditation
Massage
Flick elastic bands on wrists legs
Use red felt tip pen to draw lines.

Okay I will stop there, but if you want more ill be happy to give more.
Most of the time I can't fight the urge as I feel like I deserve to suffer but I will bring this up with my therapist next week and tell you what she say's.

Take care.

 

[Tinyflame]

Try to cut yourself some slack- do radical self care.

I know you said in essence there's nothing to say, and it might make you feel more frustrated than being helpful, but is there anyone (in 'real life') you can tell this to? I mean, to 'get the words out'?
-It doesn't have to = you explaining why, or anyone else having a solution, just 'saying it' ('physically')/ and being truthful.
xox

 

[catjudo]

No one that I would be willing to share this with. When you tell someone something like this, they never really see you or think about you the same way again.

I'm feeling really stupid because I did meet with a therapist today. But it was the very first appointment with this therapist and so much time was taken up with other stuff, that I never found an opportunity to tell her that I was struggling with these urges the past couple of days. I know I should have. Wish I would have. But I just didn't find the opportunity.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe catjudo you could tell her now, -e-mail ?, etc.
'Here' is also a good place to 'speak'.

I understand what you mean, I am afraid of what I say or 'could' say.

One thing though, because others hear 'words without hope' (so to speak), that doesn't mean they think you are.

 

[pilot70]

I have tried writing and it did help, at first, it is overwhelming, cause you don't know where to start, but the way I did it, I just write the first thing comes up to my mind, then the rest will will follow. Before you know it, you will have 2 pages and you don't think it will finish, but soon after that, you will run out of those thoughts for the moment, and you should feel better.

You will have those or similar thoughts coming back again, do the same, write them down, trust me, try it and there is nothing you can lose except thoughts being unloaded to the thing you are writing on, make sure no one reads them though.

<Edited for grammar and paragraph insert>

 

[Srain]

Seeing a therapist for the first time never feels like the right time to say these kinds of things. What I do want to say is your seeing her when feeling like this was really a brave thing to do and could move towards feeling more comfortable on voicing how you are feeling.

I get these feelings mostly during this time of year. Sometimes for me it's purely Seasonal. Could this be the case with you? Or is it a break in your sleep. I tend to agree that times like this I will pull up and take especially gentle care of myself, allowing myself safety and the right speak on how I feel.

Take good care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[Lionheart]

My therapist suggested that I do anything positive to stop the urges and so this is what I did. I tried anything and everything I could think of. In the meantime, my therapist was busy rebuilding my self worth, so that in time, I lost the urge to self-harm completely. It took some time, but it was definitely worth it.

Perhaps you could make a list of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do those things when you get the urge. I know that for me, I usually felt really bad about myself when I was getting the urge to cut etc. Also make note of the things you are thinking when you get the urge because sometimes it is our own distorted thinking that leads us to unwanted behaviors.

Whatever works for you, I hope that you will share it here and let other know as well. Good Luck!!!

LH

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi catjudo,

We are thinking of you and understand.

Although I am not a cutter or at least have never been, since last Fall I can fully relate to the urge you are describing. It is definitely a horrible feeling, especially when you know that you have healthier skills. Knowing that you should be doing something else, probably just makes you feel worse and ashamed. At least that is what was going on with me. So it felt like a never-ending spiral.

It took my workers and I several months to realize what was going. My symptoms went from bad to worse. I could not figure out what was going on or what was bothering me thanks to dissociation. Several people (e.g. my therapist, my doctor, and my ARMHS worker) became worried. The intrusive thoughts and images were interfering with my general well-being. I couldn't stop them, but suddenly started drawing and painting the images. It was like acting them out, but not harmful. One of the images were of me cutting my right arm. I showed the pictures and painting to my mental health worker and my therapist. The pictures got me from one appointment to the next. Knowing I could show them to someone who would understand was very helpful.

Finally I realized that I was terrified of my Independent Living Skills worker because he kept setting up schedules for me that I was supposed to follow, but couldn't. Each time he came he was angry when I wasn't able to complete them. Finally he told me that I had to leave my bedroom in the morning and could not return to even get something any time during the day. That restriction had me climbing walls from Friday until Monday.

Monday morning I blurted out to my mental health worker that I needed help. Together we tried to figure out what was going on and finally it became clear as day. I asked for a team meeting, which was very helpful. I was afraid of losing the ILS worker, among other things because he was the only Deaf worker I had. Of course I did lose him, but in the end it was for the better and by my choice.

I'm sorry for the rambling post, but despite trying I couldn't phrase it more concisely.

Please let me know if you need an ear/eye.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I understand how you are feeling. I haven't cut for a long time, but I still struggle sometimes with the urge. I think for me it took my mind off the emotional pain I was feeling for a short while. It also gave me some sense of control and lastly it was always a way to hurt myself.

I can't give you any great words of advice. I just had to hold on moment by moment until it passed. After I cut myself really bad it helped when I would think of the scars and the looks I would get from others.

I want to wish you strength with this. I hope you can find some peace from all of this soon.