Depression & Feeling "different" Has Ruined My Life :(

[miss_isolated]

I hate depression for robbing me of what's left of my youth (I'm 28 in September) and making my life just too hard.

Only now, am I beginning to realize how much of my depression and feeling different is actually caused by being molested. I just feel really behind compared to "normal people" particularly females and I try to "keep up" but stumble and fall because of my past. How do you not compare?

I pretty much started talking to myself years ago and am reclusive but go to college part time. I am ridiculously sensitive to jokes and petty grievances and PANIC and want to cry. Funny that I can't even cry when I think about my abuse?? So strange... wish I could just let it all out.

I'm beginning to accept that I'm not meant to have a man in my life and will have no kids I think I'm too much of a "good girl" men like "bad girls" and "bitches".

It just seems to me that in this world, people that were abused as a child are the most worse off human beings you can possibly get and our lives are pretty much screwed. Forever. I must admit that I'm someone that does believe that we can never feel positively powerful.

I want to change my own mind about the world I see around me and strive towards power anyway. I wish I could help people like me. I mean we are human like the rest so why can't we get the best in life aswell? We're innocent - I don't care what anyone says and we're not bad we just need healing.

 

[megnut]

I am so glad you put this topic up here. I have been sensitive to jokes and all sorts of 'minor' things for the past 30 years. I feel like such a freak because of it. I am always the only one who has to walk out of the room and cry when nudity comes on the tv screen. I feel so incredibly alone in this world, like I truly have no business being here. "our lives are pretty much screwed" is how I often feel.

miss_isolated, I am so so interested in talking with you, because it is such a relief for me to find someone who is going through what I am.

A couple of days ago, my husband and I were watching a tv program in which everyone was laughing about how much female nudity is in art. I have always had a tough time with this... it is so accepted by everyone else, but it devastates me that it is ok for women to be stripped and put on display, for ANY reason. So, my husband laughed at the joke and I sat there crying. He said, 'it's only a show!' and I felt like slitting my wrists after this comment. He wants me to be able to 'tune it all out', the attitude our society has about women and how half naked women are plastered all over the place.

I have used as many tricks and tools I have to combat this and I am getting nowhere, just getting worse. I am terribly afraid that my attitude and problems will end up wrecking our marriage.

<Edited by CB - paragraph breaks and capitalisation added.>

 

[Lsquaredw]

Miss_Isolated, you are strong and brave for talking about this. :hug:I too, have problems with jokes and such. I have friends that use the word rape very freely. Such as, "I just raped that test." It makes me go all out of control. (It took me nearly 15 minutes to write that sentence, by the way.) It part of the healing process. You will get through this will the love from your family and friends. You are one strong lady.

I was able to start and find power once I started therapy. My T has helped me a lot with it. Once you feel a little bit of power and feel yourself take control of your life again, you will feel so empowered! You can do this! I have faith in you! :)

 

[stormy]

I was reading these posts, and I cannot believe how absolutely 100% I feel this way. I tell my husband all the time that if he is going to pick a movie for us to watch when his friends comeover to please make sure there is no nudity cause it kills me. I get very embarrased, pissed, just every emotion under the sun. My husband has gotten good at dealing with me in this situation. Really, I would think everyone would have a problem with woman being put out there as if we are just pieces of meat, I mean really, how many naked men are on tv. It's disgusting. It's embarrasing. Sadly, I doubt that it will ever change.

I too use every tool I have to try to keep it together when these types of things happen. I am so good at pretending to be something I'm not that it works out pretty well when faced with a situation like this. I have to pull out the I'm not bothered by anything tough girl act. Most of the time it works, others not so much. Either way I suffer inside, intensely.

I wish that I could offer some insight or helpful thoughts, I am at a loss.
I do want you to know that you are a very strong person. The fact that you are on here, discussing things is a right step towards healing and getting to that place where you feel empowered. I'm cheering you on and believe in you.

 

[Ancient trees]

Miss Isolated, I identify with you so much. I was molested too. Can I share something. I was a virgin until last year. I'm now 32. If you had asked me, when I was 28 - if I imagined myself EVER being able to have a healthy relationship, of ever having friends, of feeling good about myself, of having prospects, of being able to TALK to people - I would have said no way. I would have said "I feel too defective, too isolated, too different, too mired in depression and anxiety and ptsd to even HAVE the hope of getting better." The road has not been easy, but somehow I am coming out of the darkness. If I can come out of it, baby step by baby step, please believe me that anyone can. I saw absolutely no hope for myself. There are still incredibly enormous obstacles. I'm such a late bloomer in life that it's embarrassing me. But I just know that I will make it.

Keep healing. Never in isolation. It will pay off big. This is not forever. It truly isn't. Take it from me. All you need is some faith, some humor, some dreams to get you through. You and I are stronger than we can ever know.