I’ve come to believe that introspective people are prone to bouts of depression when we feel like life is no longer livable. It’s hard to live upbeat when the things that make others happy, one finds meaningless.
I used business to outrun ptsd, which I didn’t know I had at the time. I was very successful and productive, but something felt broken - really broken.
It wasn’t until I had a mental breakdown that I was forced to consider that I needed to sit with my sadness and rage and feel it.
Still, even after the realization, it would take another breakdown to go into a day program and start reflecting on what I was trying to outrun. It helped.
The challenge is, at least for me, to live in a world that cares about superficial things. I am isolated from most people - even friends. I don’t have a partner - just work, kids who are grown/growing up, and a huge cat. My friends have partners. They get entertained. I still wonder what my life is about.
It doesn’t help that I am going through over a month of bleeding. I have been seen at the ER and got a transfusion, and also by my dr - who told me I’ve become severely anemic. I’m being seen by a specialist next week. It’s possible I’m just going through menopause. But the lack of energy is no help either.
What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that life feels like a cage when it’s not clear to us why we are alive but we want to find out. Things and people around us shift and come/go, but wherever we go there we are. Healing, reflection, illness - these are all challenging things. But somehow we bounce back and see joy again. I know I’ve written here about times I just wanted to quit, but somehow I got back up again.
My heart reaches out to you
