(understand nobody can really tell me) I was sort of high off of my work for many years. Some blocks, including limitations of my body, got in the way. I still have most of my work but I feel detached. But also, everything has changed. I went through treatment for anorexia, I acquired chronic pain which is quite draining, I moved, my best friend moved, I started having panic attacks and old self-destructive impulses, I started therapy for complex trauma (so sorting out...everything) ...bla bla bla. I've been taking care of myself better than ever, but it feels like it's because I've changed habits and am doing it out of habit (but not resisting or wanting to self-destruct). I eat well, I exercise to some extent nearly every day, I sleep okay on meds.
But I try to do things I think I'll enjoy and I get very little from it. I don't even enjoy walks like I used to. Feels like a heavy cloud (with some irritability thrown in). On my own, I'd probably tolerate it indefinitely. But I work with young people and feel really guilty sometimes for not being more positive, bubbly, happy. I barely smile some days. I have to give them constructive criticisms for their own growth...but that added to little joy or smiles coming from me probably feels tiring to some of them, like I'm just picking on them. And sometimes I see it reflected in them...like they aren't smiling. They are tired and dull. This hurts the most. I don't care if my personal life isn't what I think it should be. I feel like I can tolerate that. But I can't tolerate the depression much longer because of how it makes me feel like I'm no good at the one thing I was supposed to be good at....and that I can't connect with the students beyond a mechanical level many days (talking like Charlie Brown's teacher, dishing out little facts or things to fix). I'm really passionate about what I do, but it's buried beneath heavy layers of mud.
I've tried every major SSRI and SNRI. Not an option. I need to switch my pain meds (see a new doc next week). I need to keep doing the basic self care and know it at least counts for something. But I sense my lack of meaningful adult connections is beyond repair sometimes....I'm isolated and don't care, but am carrying that bubble into my work, where it is not helpful. I go to little group things or very small gatherings but I have the same feelings of being just tired. I've been trying to create new positive experiences, quite consciously, but I don't feel like it's really working. I'll read some inspiring work-related stuff and maybe do loving-kindness meditations for the people I work with, but I feel like the underlying mess is too heavy lately. I can't work less, btw.
Also, my insurance will quit paying for my therapy after a few more sessions and I don't know that I can afford it on my own...or the financial stress will just increase my feeling of being very tired. Does trauma therapy ultimately help with depression? My panic symptoms and self-destructive tendencies are less....but it seems like instead of "peace" I'm just shifting towards deadness...maybe what I was always running away from. But it truly is hard to connect to the few things that have typically brought me joy. And I feel guilty for my low mood and how I have nothing very positive to offer others. I don't know what to do but I can't keep feeling worse for feeling bad, you know?
Thanks for reading. shit, that was long.
But I try to do things I think I'll enjoy and I get very little from it. I don't even enjoy walks like I used to. Feels like a heavy cloud (with some irritability thrown in). On my own, I'd probably tolerate it indefinitely. But I work with young people and feel really guilty sometimes for not being more positive, bubbly, happy. I barely smile some days. I have to give them constructive criticisms for their own growth...but that added to little joy or smiles coming from me probably feels tiring to some of them, like I'm just picking on them. And sometimes I see it reflected in them...like they aren't smiling. They are tired and dull. This hurts the most. I don't care if my personal life isn't what I think it should be. I feel like I can tolerate that. But I can't tolerate the depression much longer because of how it makes me feel like I'm no good at the one thing I was supposed to be good at....and that I can't connect with the students beyond a mechanical level many days (talking like Charlie Brown's teacher, dishing out little facts or things to fix). I'm really passionate about what I do, but it's buried beneath heavy layers of mud.
I've tried every major SSRI and SNRI. Not an option. I need to switch my pain meds (see a new doc next week). I need to keep doing the basic self care and know it at least counts for something. But I sense my lack of meaningful adult connections is beyond repair sometimes....I'm isolated and don't care, but am carrying that bubble into my work, where it is not helpful. I go to little group things or very small gatherings but I have the same feelings of being just tired. I've been trying to create new positive experiences, quite consciously, but I don't feel like it's really working. I'll read some inspiring work-related stuff and maybe do loving-kindness meditations for the people I work with, but I feel like the underlying mess is too heavy lately. I can't work less, btw.
Also, my insurance will quit paying for my therapy after a few more sessions and I don't know that I can afford it on my own...or the financial stress will just increase my feeling of being very tired. Does trauma therapy ultimately help with depression? My panic symptoms and self-destructive tendencies are less....but it seems like instead of "peace" I'm just shifting towards deadness...maybe what I was always running away from. But it truly is hard to connect to the few things that have typically brought me joy. And I feel guilty for my low mood and how I have nothing very positive to offer others. I don't know what to do but I can't keep feeling worse for feeling bad, you know?
Thanks for reading. shit, that was long.
