Desire Sexual Punishment

[EveHarrington]

This is related to this thread

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/learn-to-accept-your-position-in-life.60470/

But I am asking that the threads not be combined because many people don't read old threads and this is a different issue.

I am in a horrible place right now. I just want to punish myself. I contacted this guy who has more/less coerced me into doing all sorts of sexual things that I didn't want to do. I have a horrible problem not being able to say no. I know if i go see him that I'll end up doing every single sick/depraved thing that he wants me to do. That's not the bad part. I want to push him to do worse. I want to feel pain, lots and lots of pain. I don't care if I end up black/blue/bloody. I just want to feel that pain.

I want to get away from him. Sometimes. I think I am more than just sex. Sometimes. Well not really anymore. Someone else, someone I thought was a friend, asked if I'd be up for no strings attached sex. This person knows about the guy who has been sexually manipulating me, saying that hearing about what I've been going through upsets him. The friend knows I'm an optimist in search of true love and don't want just sex yet he asks me anyway. My brain flips and I think that maybe I am only good for sex. I start to spin out of control mentally and that's why I've contacted the manipulative sex guy. I hurt so bad and now I want to be punished.

Things are going south and I just want nothing more than to be punished sexually.

Please help me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I do the same thing with a freakish like neighbor of mine whom is more than willing to hurt me sexually. And to add i usually hurt myself first to make it hurt more.

I have no ideas on how to stop but i do know its a re-enactment of my past and i think as we continue to heal we wont need that anymore?

Just know i totally relate! Probably way more than you know. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Eve, that is a very common feeling. But it's a thing that passes. Caused by something.

I had a similar period earlier when I was exactly that. :hug: I hope that you safely get through this

It's sorta a normal thing for the circumstances

 

[Sideways]

I can't express how deeply I share your pain. This is exactly the type of self-harm that I get into. I've written about my experience of it in my earlier trauma diary entries and (unhelpfully) I'm not in the headspace to go over it at the moment.

I will say 2 things. First, doctors can tolerate a lot of forms of self-harm in their patients, but this particular form of self-harm has already cost me one doctor in the past, and I'm now in limbo with my current doctor fundamentally because she can't handle me doing this stuff to myself.

Second, the damage this causes is so profound. If there's one thing that will make your ptsd and self-loathing worse, this is it. This is not a "try holding ice cubes instead" situation. This is a situation where you need to call on every support you can to NOT go down this path.

I understand what it feels like to need this (you'd think it was so warped that no one would understand, but this is exactly where I am at the moment). And I can tell you that as powerful as the "needd" to do this feels, do everything you possibly can to not head down this road.

The pain you must be in to be where you are is immense, but this isn't just throwing kerosene on the fire, it's driving an oil tanker into the fire.

You are worth so much better. You deserve so much better. And you don't have to believe that right now, but please, don't go down this road.

 

[EveHarrington]

@lostforgottensoul

Re-enactment of the past? I guess I didn't think of it like that really. More like----punish me, punish me, PUNISH ME-----make me feel bad! I don't want to re-enact the past but I don't know how else to get rid of these feelings! I want to hurt bad. :(

@Saelben

How did you get past it?

 

[mary1979]

I think its probably a good thing that you are aware enough to realise what you are doing.

The times I've done similar things I've led myself into them totally unconsciously.

The second friend is a jerk for being aware of your feelings and still trying to use them for his own gratification.
Ditch him.

Hugs x

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I get myself into bad situations that hurt me and that made me stay away from it.

I also got myself into a relationship. But yea, the basic mechanism by which it stopped for me is "the cat stops licking the saw once it cut's it's tongue"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Re-enactment of the past?

Def and very common.

Loosing therapist over it? My therapist knows i do it.

Holding ice cubes did work for about a year or so in my early 20s. Stopped working as i was after more pain but its def worth a try. It hurts like hell and does ease that "i want to hurt myself" urge.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Ragdoll Circus

Please don't think you're being unhelpful because you are being very kind to me just as you have been in other threads and I very much appreciate it!

My therapist doesn't know about this. None of my past therapists have known about this. It was hard enough to seek out treatment for CSA. I think I would have a complete meltdown if I had to talk about this stuff face to face with someone who hasn't experienced it themselves. (I couldn't handle the (perceived) judgment.)

I am very much taking in all that you've said. It's giving me pause and making me think. Thank you so much----I do want to get better, I don't want things to get worse.

I don't want to put you in a bad space---so please take care of yourself, too, ok? I know you're dealing with a lot right now yourself.

 

[Sideways]

I'd really like to be able to hug you right now. There are no words for how awful this is. One day, we'll both believe we're worth more than this.

 

[EveHarrington]

@mary1979

My mind is in such a warp when it comes to the second friend. He's been a good friend to me otherwise. I can't make heads or tails of the situation with him because my mind immediately flipped into trigger-mode so it's hard to sort out what's what. Regardless though I think I need to remove myself from both situations until I have the mind power to rationally think through it all. Just talking here to you is grounding for me but when I think of either of them or try to work through the issues with them in my head, I start to go into extreme panic mode and my mind starts to run away emotionally. I think I need to do all I can to remove myself from it all for now, even though I hate feeling like I'm running from the problem.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm starting to calm down. Very exhausted! I should eat as I haven't eaten since yesterday and it's almost tomorrow. Thank you @lostforgottensoul @Saelben @mary1979 @Ragdoll Circus I'll check back in after awhile.