Desire Sexual Punishment

[scout86]

I need to be able to have friendships where I can resist the urge to sleep with the person to make them like me.

How about considering the idea that sleeping with them DOESN'T make them like you? They either like you or they don't. You either have sex or you don't. You can't buy real friendship and you can't trade for it either.

I get where you're at with this right now. I have a little of that myself. And the friend I mentioned has a LOT of it, I think. But the truth is, I like him because I like HIM, it has nothing to do with sex. Not that I don't find him very attractive, I do. (Which makes this a LOT harder!) Sex with him would probably be fun. But we are both too twisted for it to be ok. I mean, we'd both be coming into it from a place that's not healthy, you know? And it would turn into something that's not good because neither of us knows very well what "good" really is. The woman he's married to know is way cool and I think there's a chance he might find his way to a better place. I hope so. And I hope that because I AM his friend.

If your friend will ONLY like you because you're willing to have sex, they aren't your friend. Your friend will nicely take "No" for an answer and move on. I think you've got this and there's no time like the present to start practicing. I hope it goes well and I hope he really is your friend! If he has a problem with it, remember, it's because HE has a problem with it, not because you're only value is for sex. There's WAY more to you than that.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Agreein with scout on all said
:hug:
there is a fair bit of space between manipulating and friendship

 

[mary1979]

When you feel so low as you consider 'selling yourself' a way of dealing with this, you know things are bad. (not at all implying any judgement, this I totally empathise with. Its also crossed my mind and I am usually able to realise this is me in my worst state of self loathing)
I usually go with one night stands instead and its only occurred to me while reading through this thread that this is my version of sexual punishment.
I've never had a one night stand I enjoyed, yet when I'm at my lowest its my go to response.
I've just realised that I do that as a way to confirm to myself that I'm worthless and deserve nothing more (thanks for that insight)

Unless this friend of yours has deeper intentions of respecting you as more than a sexual partner, I stand by my initial point that you need to get rid of him. That attitude only further confirms your feelings of worthlessness.
But hey, he might secretly harbour a desire for more from you, and is hiding that because of the way you speak.
In which case, abstaining from sex with him while further exploring the potential might even help you.

Good luck lovely xx

 

[void]

EveHarrington said: ↑
I'm so accustomed to feeling the bad stuff that I end up wanting to feel the bad stuff as a way of comforting myself. Very messed up, right?

You are seeking the relief of State 4 as explained in the video below....it will blow your mind!!!!


First of all: May @EveHarrington become free of inner and outer harm. May she be healthy and live with ease in this world.


Actually, what you are describing matches perfectly with Somatic Experiencing by Dr. Peter Levine and Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges.

They teach:
The mind cannot heal the Self(every part of You) because its thinking became twisted by your Abuser(s)....through no fault of your own.

The body CAN heal the Self because it does not become distorted in that way.

The body continuously tries to guide the Self toward healing by re-entering the trauma state SO THAT it can discharge the trapped trauma energy that is confined within your Self and that discharge is WHAT TRUE HEALING actually is.

Most of us(especially me) miss all of these signals and haplessly re-enter trauma producing scenarios and end up worse not better.

You "wanting to feel the bad stuff as a way of comforting myself." IS YOUR BODY GUIDING YOU toward healing!!!!

Amazing and paradoxical but true!!!!

This video will explain much better than I ever could:

This video has helped others on this site(me 2), I hope it helps you.
Peace.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks @scout86 @Saelben @mary1979

Just so numb right now that I don't have much of a response. I'll try to revisit this thread/your replies at a later time.

This is all so overwhelming to me that I completely shut down.

My response to everything?

"I don't care."

(Not saying that to people here in this thread, rather explaining my mindset. I do appreciate the feedback on an intellectual level even though I can't feel happy to be getting responses. I hope this makes sense and I hope nobody is offended as that's not my intent,)

And one day when the numb fog lifts, I may be so terrified of slipping back into this numb state that I won't even care to approach the topic of sex again, not even with a million foot pole.

Celibacy doesn't seem so bad anymore.

I just want to feel again.

Stupid sex stuff.

 

[scout86]

Celibacy might be a temporary stopping off point on the way to sorting things out and finding a better way.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're right @scout86

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I get too wrapped up in long term ideas. (People have noticed this about me.)

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm so not ok!

Can't stop crying. Didn't want to take my anxiety meds but did. <wrench in machine> I hate feeling like I'm spinning out of control. Sleep should come soon, I hope.

I'm so not ok with everything that has happened. I need to stop trying to force myself to be ok because one part of me is saying that's what I should do, normal people don't get upset. <My system always tells me when I'm not ok even if my conscious mind forces ok-ness.>

I was always that emotional kid in school. I seriously want to rage on the <derogatory word> <derogatory word> teacher who shamed me for being emotional! (Shame, shame, I feel tons of shame-----I want to go hug/comfort that 9 year old girl who was shamed in front of the whole class. They laughed at me. I still remember the horrible names I was called!)

I need to stop believing that my feelings/emotions are bad and that I need to stuff then away so that I can be normal. It doesn't work like that. <stuff I wish I realized a loooong time ago.>

My feelings aren't bad.

Not being ok really is ok.

Why do we live in a world that pushes artificial happiness? If you're not ok then you've gotta fix it-----Why?

Sometimes not being ok is exactly what is needed.

I'm ok with not being ok. It's time I stopped shoving my feelings aside and denying what's really going on simply because not feeling ok is somehow wrong/undesirable.

If I'm not ok, it's my fault for not trying to fix the problem so that I am ok-----(thought that goes through my mind)

I have issues with believing I shouldn't be upset about something simply because the other person apologized. (It happens a lot it seems.) I guess I feel that if someone apologizes then I should forgive and forget and move on. But it doesn't really work like that, does it? Recently (separate event not related to this sex topic) someone tried to shame me because I wouldn't accept their apology. The premise was "I apologized so I don't understand why you're upset." Which is completely invalidating my feelings, shifting blame from them being the one who did wrong to me being the one who did wrong because I couldn't instantly move on. <Sorry, rambling I know. It all relates, if only in my mind.>

Sex is a huge issue to me. I still struggle with wanting to punish myself. Haven't contacted that guy even though I've thought about it. It's now more of a feeling of wanting to hurt myself, by myself rather than involving another person. I don't know why I want that pain so bad-----it scares me.

 

[Chimera]

Pain is familiar
Pain, we understand
You deserve better
:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks @Chimera

 

[void]

I'm so not ok!

Can't stop crying. Didn't want to take my anxiety meds but did. <wrench in machin...

"I want to go hug/comfort that 9 year old girl who was shamed in front of the whole class. They laughed at me. I still remember the horrible names I was called!)"

but You CAN!!!:happy:

(the body does not know time, only the mind thinks it know time....to the body there is no time)

Just think of her(Young you)......visualize/feel her.....standing up there alone, humiliated, nowhere to hide(it will feel like the Now)

Now walk up to her(young you) in your mind and feel her fall into your arms....feel your deep compassion and love for her....feel your desire to protect and console.....visualize holding her.....rubbing her back....speaking softly, words of kindness......and also....

Feel Young You watching Adult You coming over to Young You.....feel the hug...the protection....the safety.....feel the classmates and the teacher dissolving away.......

Now it's just You....both of You in an embrace of healing, compassion, safety, love.

Let the Young You feel protected, feel safe, feel your support.

Feel both sides and let them dissolve into healing.



May peace replace your pain @EveHarrington :happy:

 

[ghotiff]

I am currently convinced that people push others to "be happy" because they don't have the emotional resilience to allow others to be unhappy. This is a limitation of them.