Do you see an illustration of that in this thread?
You point makes sense, but I'm wondering if you see that happening here.
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Desire Sexual Punishment
- Post starter EveHarrington
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Do you see an illustration of that in this thread?
You point makes sense, but I'm wondering if you see that happening here.
It was in response to these comments.
I believe that Eve (like many of us) were shunned for being emotional, but this was harmful, unfair and because of "them" not us. People (not all but many) chose denial over helping, denial of the trauma, denial that the trauma is significant, and denial of our emotions caused by the trauma. If they can't deny our emotions effectively they shame us for them.
Does that make sense?
I believe that Eve (like many of us) were shunned for being emotional, but this was harmful, unfair and because of "them" not us. People (not all but many) chose denial over helping, denial of the trauma, denial that the trauma is significant, and denial of our emotions caused by the trauma. If they can't deny our emotions effectively they shame us for them.
Does that make sense?
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Im sorry i missed all of your updates! I missed so much so i'll try to catch up as much as I can:
Horrible to think it? No, its normal, or says my therapist. Its so weird how we can see someone as not horrible but ourselves as horrible in the same situiation. This, i think about id say every day if not muliple times a day. Why dont i go back to selling it? f*ck! Id make a shitload of money and not be giving it away. But then those very unwelcomed auto-thoughts are going back the other direction.
Try to replace "isnt that horrible" with "isnt that what i think is normal" or something simular and maybe even softer (self soft talk isnt a stregth of mine).
Not easy peasy (nothing worth getting ever is) but you are doing an awesome job at being able to draw a boundry, just that is awesome enough, but also draw it at the "this is normal" area in your brain is also awesome. I actually envy you a bit being so strong in the area. I am working on identifying boundries but i cant seem to draw one here so thats awesome!
I never heard it worded this way before. I think what ive always said on here, and what happened to me, that your brain will always purge supressed trauma, is a part of this? I dont know if it is but what.i thought of when i read it.
Here is one of the many everyday spinning automatic thoughts i have and struggle with so i can totally identify with that and the "shut down" in general. Its always good to give yourself time to process this overload of information. Remember what you recently told me about rest? ;)
No shit! I second that!
Why dont you? I know my "child self" is still with me and i started to talk to "her" and trying to love "her" so that one day i may love me too. :hug:
And you will struggle with that until worked out and not sure the opposite (being celebete) is the answer, i think (and so it seems with everything) the more you identify and then challege your negitive beliefs, thoughts etc, the more they fade and their opposite, what you are challeging them with, starts to fade in with it. So the more you keep at that, in therory, the negitive will fade out and the positive fade into its place. Same thing as pushing at your comfort zone.
I have a note on my fridge that my therapist wrote on the back of his business card (i have like 25 of them) says "Trauma Distorts Time".
Anyway, i think you are doing a wonderful job Eve! It takes time and practice and patience and self care/being kind to yourself along the way! :hug:s
Horrible to think it? No, its normal, or says my therapist. Its so weird how we can see someone as not horrible but ourselves as horrible in the same situiation. This, i think about id say every day if not muliple times a day. Why dont i go back to selling it? f*ck! Id make a shitload of money and not be giving it away. But then those very unwelcomed auto-thoughts are going back the other direction.
Try to replace "isnt that horrible" with "isnt that what i think is normal" or something simular and maybe even softer (self soft talk isnt a stregth of mine).
Not easy peasy (nothing worth getting ever is) but you are doing an awesome job at being able to draw a boundry, just that is awesome enough, but also draw it at the "this is normal" area in your brain is also awesome. I actually envy you a bit being so strong in the area. I am working on identifying boundries but i cant seem to draw one here so thats awesome!
I never heard it worded this way before. I think what ive always said on here, and what happened to me, that your brain will always purge supressed trauma, is a part of this? I dont know if it is but what.i thought of when i read it.
Here is one of the many everyday spinning automatic thoughts i have and struggle with so i can totally identify with that and the "shut down" in general. Its always good to give yourself time to process this overload of information. Remember what you recently told me about rest? ;)
No shit! I second that!
Why dont you? I know my "child self" is still with me and i started to talk to "her" and trying to love "her" so that one day i may love me too. :hug:
And you will struggle with that until worked out and not sure the opposite (being celebete) is the answer, i think (and so it seems with everything) the more you identify and then challege your negitive beliefs, thoughts etc, the more they fade and their opposite, what you are challeging them with, starts to fade in with it. So the more you keep at that, in therory, the negitive will fade out and the positive fade into its place. Same thing as pushing at your comfort zone.
I have a note on my fridge that my therapist wrote on the back of his business card (i have like 25 of them) says "Trauma Distorts Time".
Anyway, i think you are doing a wonderful job Eve! It takes time and practice and patience and self care/being kind to yourself along the way! :hug:s
- Post starter
- #52
EveHarrington
VIP Member
@lostforgottensoul
Will say a little now, more later. A bit emotional----
The celibate part---- Sort of necessary for me. I am not up for dating right now and have no prospects on the horizon so for now it's best if I just go without.
Sorry I can't say more. My feelings are all over the place tonight and I really kicking myself for something I just did---don't worry I didn't physically harm myself but yeah doing more damage in the scope of this thread. I need to sleep, will say more tomorrow. :(
Will say a little now, more later. A bit emotional----
The celibate part---- Sort of necessary for me. I am not up for dating right now and have no prospects on the horizon so for now it's best if I just go without.
Sorry I can't say more. My feelings are all over the place tonight and I really kicking myself for something I just did---don't worry I didn't physically harm myself but yeah doing more damage in the scope of this thread. I need to sleep, will say more tomorrow. :(
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
@EveHarrington no appologies needed, i understand. And if celebacy works, go for it. Basically, do what works! ;)
Oh and :hug:s for whatever you just did, its ok and i totally get it!
ETA: Only say what you can when you can!
Oh and :hug:s for whatever you just did, its ok and i totally get it!
ETA: Only say what you can when you can!
- Post starter
- #54
EveHarrington
VIP Member
@lostforgottensoul
Regression?
I contacted two people tonight looking for sex.
I just want to be held. And I want to hurt.
What the heck am I doing?
I can't talk to my therapist about this stuff. I can't even admit that I'm a sexual human being. There is so much shame and everything contradicts each other so nothing makes sense.
All I know is that I hurt and I want to hurt more. I am crossing so many boundaries that it isn't even funny.
Regression?
I contacted two people tonight looking for sex.
I just want to be held. And I want to hurt.
What the heck am I doing?
I can't talk to my therapist about this stuff. I can't even admit that I'm a sexual human being. There is so much shame and everything contradicts each other so nothing makes sense.
All I know is that I hurt and I want to hurt more. I am crossing so many boundaries that it isn't even funny.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Wanting to run back to your comfort zone because you are so far out of it.
Remember: IT'S OK! Its ok, and normal, that you want to and even ok if you do it. You identify what it is after you do it or if you can catch yourself wanting to, and start to push at it/challenge it again. It gets easier to catch yourself faster! (Easier and faster the more you push at it/challenge it).
Its all ok (and normal/natural)! :hug:s
Yes. Thank you.:happy:
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Could it be that this type of pain is more comfortable/familiar than your current pain. Maybe it's not that you want to hurt "more" just hurt in a different way that overrides your current hurt and a pain that you feel more control/familiarity in.
If so, maybe we can help you sit through your current pain?
- Post starter
- #58
EveHarrington
VIP Member
@ghotiff
That's quite possible. I don't know how to make heads or tails of any of this. So many emotions wrapped up into one.
I don't think I even know that a loving kind of sex exists.
That's quite possible. I don't know how to make heads or tails of any of this. So many emotions wrapped up into one.
I don't think I even know that a loving kind of sex exists.
Unfortunately I don't think loving sex is available to you currently and I would think that abstinence would be necessary for a while for it to become available to you.
Do you say the above because you are craving connection and sex fills that need?
Personally I find that understanding my reasons really helps me move past unwanted behaviors. So I'm wondering if the first level of why you "go to" painful sex is to replace current pain (as I described before). Maybe the next layer of why is craving connection?
Do you say the above because you are craving connection and sex fills that need?
Personally I find that understanding my reasons really helps me move past unwanted behaviors. So I'm wondering if the first level of why you "go to" painful sex is to replace current pain (as I described before). Maybe the next layer of why is craving connection?
The problem is (so far as my own story goes, I hope you can relate) there's so many damned layers to the reason you find comfort in sex and to hurt and see them as one and the same.
Each and every layer is another thing you've done as an adult to survive in this world the best you could, then back further and further in your life. Things that cause you shame and confirm the lack of self worth you have for yourself, and make you think you deserve to hurt, and then tucked away under all that shit is the truth.
I'm trying to work out where to start myself.
The obvious place is the original shame because we can all rationalise that our first trauma was not of our own doing, so if we can get through that and forgive our wounded selves, then the rest might get easier as we go along. Maybe we can reach an understanding with ourselves somewhere along the way.
But that's a heck of a lot easier to type than it is to even say aloud, and then the actual DOING bit.
Yeah its tough.
Find a way Eve, ANY SMALL WAY to be kind to yourself.
You deserve it, you are a kind, strong and intelligent woman before anything else, you deserve to give yourself some of your own kindness.
Each and every layer is another thing you've done as an adult to survive in this world the best you could, then back further and further in your life. Things that cause you shame and confirm the lack of self worth you have for yourself, and make you think you deserve to hurt, and then tucked away under all that shit is the truth.
I'm trying to work out where to start myself.
The obvious place is the original shame because we can all rationalise that our first trauma was not of our own doing, so if we can get through that and forgive our wounded selves, then the rest might get easier as we go along. Maybe we can reach an understanding with ourselves somewhere along the way.
But that's a heck of a lot easier to type than it is to even say aloud, and then the actual DOING bit.
Yeah its tough.
Find a way Eve, ANY SMALL WAY to be kind to yourself.
You deserve it, you are a kind, strong and intelligent woman before anything else, you deserve to give yourself some of your own kindness.
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