Relationship Desperate for understanding so i can get my ptsd under control

[Wander2]

I appreciate anyone who can give me a glymps of hope or help.. Have been married 23 years (4kids +1)to the love of my life but we are both now drowning.. Two years ago we took in a 15 yo boy who had befriended one of my kids - home life was hostile and transient. Unfortunately for my husband this was a huge trigger... He had been abused for 18 months by his girlfriends mother from the time he was 14-16. While we discussed and agreed together about bringing boy into our family - this sent husband reeling. He accused me endlessly of sleeping with boy... Or anyone else.. Relationship became very controlling and husband was clearly not himself for an entire year.. Kids avoided their dad that they used to adore... He was angry scowled and often absent. Became depressed. After a year he started working for a women(15+ years older and wealthy)and she was very aggressive(her words).. An affair took place - i discovered a single text message.. He says she was relentless but that he always told her no, i love my wife (she also said this)- and when reviewing grooming steps she clearly groomed him. His therapist has said he dissociated when boy moved in And this woman was a predator and groomed him... As he had regressed back to that 15yo time and didn't function as a grown man.. I believe the dissociation as there were some strange things - talking about his best friend who he never mentioned or saw in the 25 years we've been together, talking about events as current and then when questioned they are high school events. He says he has no recollection of texting this woman late at night, or having an illicit relationship..he does remember working at her house but when she pushed he basically froze and dissociated. He says he was disgusted by her and saw her initially as client and then motherly friend then as evil entity(weird i know - he says she looked evil and he started seeing 6's☹) . How do i reconcile this.. I am devastated and have been dealing with my own ptsd and my husband is the trigger. He now understands his triggers and is working on grounding... The affair was groomed - flattery, gifts(not accepted), threats, emasculating insults, withholding payments... All while she dated nightly.. But how do i believe my husband when his answer is i don't know, i don't remember, i would never do that... There is little evidence other than her words and what he is now slowly remembering through time and emdr. he has tried to explain but he says that its like watching a dream from a distance and he doesn't know. Can anyone explain this to me? Tell me i can still love and trust my husband? Or am i just - along with his therapist - being played the fool?

 

[Justmehere]

Tough situation all around. Complicated and there may not be clear answers. Here’s my take on it as a sufferer:

Adults are generally legally (and otherwise) responsible for what they do in dissociated states. I’m a little unclear on a key part of what happened. Did he consent to sex? If he did not consent to sex, said no to her, and she proceeded anyhow... that seems more like rape than cheating. (Yes, women can rape men: The Hidden Epidemic of Men Who Are Raped by Women)

But if he consented to sex while dissociated, even while regressed, then he’s still responsible for what he did. If he texted romantic texts, consented to sex, and is saying it was all dissociated part, ok, that may be true and that part is still part of him. He is still responsible for what he consented to doing.

Right now, if he was sexually assaulted or raped, it maybe particularly hard for him to remember or admit his lack of consent. If the woman is point-blank admitting to proceeding with sexual intercourse without consent, then I think you can trust that he didn’t consent.

That being said, there are cheaters who here tried to use PTSD as an excuse to get out of responsibility for what they did. It’s pretty slimy. PTSD in and of itself does not cause somebody to cheat. Sufferers can engage in all kinds of destructive behaviors, including cheating, to try to cope, but we don’t actually escape responsibly by stating PTSD made me do it.

The fact that you found out the way you did, not because he purposefully told you is one sign of being dishonest. It is possible he’s got legit trauma and PTSD... and is also legitimately playing the therapist and you to avoid responsibility for his actions.

If that is the case, some relationships can bounce back after one partner cheated, many can’t. The good thing is that he is getting help to mange his symptoms. EMDR is no walk in the park. Someone who was using PTSD as only an excuse may not be motivated to engage in super painful trauma therapy.

If you can trust him again is going to be something you will have to decide. Even if she is all to blame and he did not consent, well... it can still be hard to trust a partner that can do things they don’t remember doing. It would make sense to struggle to trust him right now, whatever happened. He may not trust himself.

I know you’ve talked to his counselor about it all, have you considered couples counseling? A PTSD informed therapist that isn’t there to just look out for his needs but is there to help you both figure this out might be a good way to go.

 

[Sideways]

Tell me i can still love and trust my husband? Or am i just - along with his therapist - being played the fool?

Possibly time will tell, but it sounds at the moment with his uncontrolled dissociation that he can’t even really trust himself right now.

What about the things you can control? Do you have therapeutic support? (You mentioned your husband is now a trigger for you). Couples therapy might be a bit previous, sounds like some basic mental health stability all round is required first.

How are the kids with all this going on? Would it help to get in a family therapist to set some clear boundaries for the family so that, moving forward, everyone’s needs are getting met while you, and particularly hubby, work towards some stability.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

An affair took place - i discovered a single text message.. He says she was relentless but that he always told her no, i love my wife (she also said this)- and when reviewing grooming steps she clearly groomed him. His therapist has said he dissociated when boy moved in And this woman was a predator and groomed him... As he had regressed back to that 15yo time and didn't function as a grown man

That's not how disocciation works. He is still a grown man no matter what age he is disocciated and a woman cannot groom a grown man. An affair has nothing at all to do with PTSD symptoms and is the person's own choices.

That being said, as @Justmehere said, a man can be raped. So, if the text show him saying no and if he remembers the sexual encounter and he said no the entire time, that is indeed rape.

But try not to excuse a consentual affair as PTSD or being a part of PTSD symptoms. It is not.

 

[Sideways]

and a woman cannot groom a grown man.

Not true.

 

[Gs172003]

Not true.

Agreed. I think that adults can be groomed/brainwashed/ frauded or else there wouldn't be cults or people who are duped out of money on a routine basis. (Just examples). Just because you're an adult doesn't make you immune.

 

[Ronin]

I would focus on you + the kids, for now.

Because your husband has it sounds like waay much on his plate, will yet for a while, and his head & where the truth is & faithfulness issues & the whole trust and foundations of that relation are going to be complicated.... You need to function for YOU & the kids, first.

So for starters, have the accusations and jealousy and crazy blame games stopped, already, or does he still come at you with it? What changed in terms of control?

How does he act toward you & the kids when dissociated and when usual (and when you confront him about any of it), are yall safe near him?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Not true.

Agree. I probably should have worded that better to mean what I meant. Which was that if he was a consenting adult, that doesn't mean she groomed him just because he was disocciated.

I probably shouldnt of said that it can't be done because it can.

 

[Wander2]

Thank you to all of you...He stopped contact with her immediately - she bought several phones to keep calling him and even told him she would buy him airline tickets to meet her in Hawaii...He took a few weeks to really come clear on what happened(he never thought it was an affair or even a relationship)...he accepted blame - tearfully for his actions and says he didn't know what happened (no lines were crossed but that she had pushed for more, that he has only ever loved me...but after talking he had little recollection of time/events. He couldn't recall when things happened not only with her but also in everyday life - when other jobs took place, when he spent time with kids, where he was. He is much happier now - almost back to normal. He didn't miss her or have any fond memories. After emdr he knows more of what happened; He says she took from him something he wasn't willing to give- he equates it to assault. It's now been 6 months since discovery day and 5 months of therapy (2x/week at the beginning and now 1x/week). The kids (16 and older say he's more like he used to be before boy moved in. I realized early in that something was wrong when boy moved in - he became emotional and easy to anger and very withdrawn. I found a medical doctor for him and he found a therapist (not a good one) He had gone from being a loving husband to distrusting me AND our kids - he would follow me into a room just to see what I was going to say to kids(paranoia?). That was for an entire year. She came into the picture after that first year and was pushing hard to be with him - if you leave your wife I'll buy you a sports car, if you leave your wife I'll do x. He says he was unable to fight her off even though in his mind he was screaming. - He thought telling her no would be enough, and she would back off for a bit and then come back using a new tactic-friendly, then gifts - then bigger gifts, then threats (I'll tell your wife x she'll believe me over you), then emasculating (you must be gay because everyone wants me), withholding money, and start all over again. She said I cleaned out a drawer in my dresser for you to put clothes in and at the same time, you aren't allowed to work in my house if I'm not home. He kept saying he didn't know how to make her stop so he just quit going to her house when she was home, so she changed the rule to only work when she is home - so then he quit showing up and letting only trades show up...so then it was I will only pay you in person. She also dated nightly - every dating site that exists...that doesn't sound like an affair, does it? He had every opportunity to sleep with her in an empty house...and instead tried to escape? But he did tell me(no evidence just him trying to explain) he told her he loved her not because he loved her but because he needed to make her stop trying to touch him(only the 2x groping)(and that was something his predator did when he was 15 (tell me you love me - that relationship was a 45 yo woman and lasted 18 months approx.). I have no doubt that he was in a bad place...it's just the 'affair' - it hurts. This woman is much older then him and very wealthy. SO I guess he believes he dissociated when boy moved in making him vulnerable to being victimized.

 

[Sideways]

It does sound like a teen boy moving in has triggered his ptsd. Paranoia is a common symptom. It’s not easy to he on the receiving end of that.

But it sounds like he’s got a good T and things seem to be coming clearer for him fairly quickly.

For you, perhaps think about your boundaries with the way he behaves when he’s getting symptomatic. Where your line is, and what you’ll do (anything really - leave the room, stick a pair of headphones in, go out for a while, ask him to do x grounding exercise, whatever) when he’s starting to become unreasonable. Being consistent with that will not only help you manage while he gets himself together, it’ll help him stabilise, and know that you’re safe and consistent and that he can trust you just like he’s done for 23 years.

At some point, tending to your own hurt is going to be important. Yes, he probably was vulnerable and taken advantage of. Doesn’t mean it’s all rainbows and bunny rabbits for you. So tending to your own emotions is really important.

Starting therapy, things often get a bit worse before they start to get better, so hopefully the paranoia will begin to settle as he stabilises. Longer term, you might think about having a conversation with him when you’re both in a more solid place: this vulnerability of his is there, so if it comes up again, how do we handle it differently to keep him safe, and protect your relationship.

 

[Justmehere]

Ah, ok, he is saying he was sexually assaulted. Very different than an affair. The evidence you describe so far is more robust than many sexual assault claims. It is still be a hard reality for any supporter to face that a spouse may have been sexually assaulted. How are you doing with it? How does it all strike you?

As far as him telling her he loved her, I’ve said plenty of things an abuser wanted to hear just to appease them to escape an abuser or feared abuser. It’s called fawning. It can be a survival response just like fight or flight.

Her behavior matches with a total disregard for boundaries and like a real predator to buy other phones to harass him. His forgetting other details about life supports the likelihood of legit uncontrolled dissociation.

Freezing up can happen during trauma, fear of trauma, or other triggers. I’ve frozen up just by having a grocery store clerk say something triggering. And then I almost appeased the clerk. Ugh.

No one here can say if his claims are true or not, but what you describe does seem to be within the realm of possibility of how dissociation and trauma could play out.

she bought several phones to keep calling him and even told him she would buy him airline tickets to meet her in Hawaii...

Is she leaving him alone now? If not, a restraining order should be considered, especially because she doesn’t listen to no from him. A judge telling her to back off might help give you both some space to heal without worries it will happen again.

 

[Wander2]

Thank you - it's all so foreign to me so I am grasping at what to believe and what not to believe. All of you - you're words are helpful...I realized because of behavior that something was definitely wrong...and yes, it hurts...but just as I would support my child who endured something like this, I will support my husband. He is really back to normal - this was the first and only instance in our marriage that was considered 'cheating' and also the first episode of 'dissociation'. He's not a great communicator and has had difficulty describing what, how, happened. He is happy to have his life and family back I believe - he is able to compartmentalize the trauma and only deal with it while at therapy...I on the other hand am plagued with weight loss, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, crawly skin...panic attacks....He was my life and this really affected me...Now that I know it's possible and you explain the fawning....it really helps. His therapist helps him, the two marriage counselors we saw both refused to believe that he being a man didn't 'want it' and every therapist I see - also brings their own baggage and advises me that I can be happier without him...a cheater is a cheater....ugh.
I thank all of you for your time and advice. Wish us luck that we can make our marriage and ourselves strong again.