Deteriorating

[Thinkingman85]

I'm pretty sure that there is no other alternative than to hurt those that violated me. They laugh at the fact that I have not attacked them and are happy to label me as weak. I cut out my family because they intentionally pushed my buttons. Now, things aren't the same. I'm seen as the bad guy. My previous friends are alienated. I'm only one man and I can't trust anymore. Every day, my life gets worse. My peers think I'm mentally unstable but they don't care anyway. Nobody seems to care. Even as I'm writing this it seems hopeless. Talking about what was done to me only worsens it. Still, the deceptive people still use my past of not setting a boundary (only by means of physical violence) against me. There is no compromising with them. They will not listen. I'm weak. I accept that now. I'm weak because I won't get revenge and I will probably have a wasted life fighting against the pain that could be resolved with retaliation. My mindset has been like this for years. I don't know what else to do.

 

[bell]

Are you in therapy? I've dealt with PTSD my whole life. Therapy has been the only thing that cut through it and got to me. I've been in it now for 2 years and am still continuing to get better.

And to me, revenge is for the weak. By not getting revenge, you are showing your strength. Continue to make that choice, and you continue to show your strength. If you take revenge, they win. The only way to beat them is to not play their game.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I was in therapy for 12 weeks. It helped but made me feel like a broken person trying to put himself back together. Also, I felt like if I did do this the fixed me wouldn't be as strong as the pre-broken me. I, too want to show them that I can rise above them. I have an opportunity right now. The city fire department is testing and they only do it every three years. Last time I scored a 79% but wasn't hired because rarely anyone retired. This time around there will be retirees and hires. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this pain and doubt while I'm studying.

 

[bell]

In my opinion, 12 weeks is barely enough to get to anything. Again, my opinion, but with PTSD, you need to give it a few years, not a few weeks. A few weeks, to me, says "I want this to be gone on my terms." And, unfortunately, PTSD does not work on your terms. It works on its own terms.

And... what happens when you break your arm? After it's mended, it's stronger than before.

Again, rising above them is giving them too much power. Until you empower yourself, they will always win. If you get to be a firefighter, all the same stuff will still be there. Their core opinion of who you are will still be the same. You will still be who you are. Nothing will change. That's why you need to empower yourself, and you can do so, you just need to give yourself permission to empower yourself first.

Just my $0.02.

 

[cherryblossom]

I agree with Bell. Unfortunately 12 weeks of therapy is no-where near enough.

Are you trying for a job with the fire department? Honestly, just reading your posts - I don't think your in the right place for that.

You sound to me like you're struggling, and need some TLC and help. There's nothing wrong with that.

The thing with therapy is, that it's tough, it's really tough. And you feel a whole lot worse before it even begins to get any better. I just wonder if you stopped therapy at the 'things get a whole lot worse' point, and didn't keep going until things even began to get any easier. Therapy is a whole lot of hard work for a long time. People who don't understand mental health issues just think you go to therapy for a bit and come out cured. It doesn't work like that, and I don't think you've given yourself enough time.

I'm sure that people in your real life care, but if not, people here do. You're not weak, and you still have some strength to keep fighting the dreaded PTSD. You certainly have enough strength to keep talking here, and people will respond, and try to help you. Just keep talking here, and keep fighting PTSD!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Revenge rarely fixes anything. If these people don't care, then there's little you could do for revenge without breaking the law. You would ultimately get caught, and the anger would just grow because they'd still have the upper hand.

I think therapy could help you. I see this theme of revenge repeated over and over in your threads but you still haven't made any moves toward resolving the anger (according to what you post).

If you honestly believe that all therapists and therapy styles are the same, then maybe therapy isn't for you. But, is it possible that a different therapist could have a style that's more to your liking?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Bell, I don't believe that the perpetrators are better than me. Usually, I am able to let go what was inflicted by other people because holding on is unproductive. However, for some odd reason my emotions are stuck with a couple people. My brain is telling me, "They did too much." That is why I am in a stagnant state. In some manipulative way, their blatant disregard and disrespect has caused me to attach to the pain when, in fact, I don't want to. Maybe I feel guilty for letting that stuff happen to me and not doing anything about it. Every person has a line and they crossed it. That never happened to me before so it's hard to resolve it.

Cherryblossom, I stopped going to therapy because it was too painful. I don't know how I could resolve certain things such as seeing my parents' passings. When I talked about it I cried but it was like trying to fight against the Grim Reaper. I would prefer to move forward and stop connecting to my past. Whenever I do only pain arises. It's hard to move forward when people ask me about my family and I can't give them a normal answer. I'm not the "white picket fence" material even though I want a "white picket fence" job like firefighting. One of my friends is a coal miner. Another is a cop. Another is a physician's assistant. They all have one thing in common. They all have normal families. Maybe one reason I'm reluctant going back to therapy is because of resentment for people in general. I have a feeling that people left me in this situation and I hold much anger and disdain toward them. Some examples are my parents passing, my narcissistic drug addict brother, and deceptive friends leaving when I asked for help. I would have to be retaught how to like people in general which would be hard. I like people that care, but it can be a challenge to be motivated. I'm seriously thinking of going back to therapy.

Solara, I take steps every day to resolve my emotional problems. I study forgiveness, narcissism, self help videos, religion, grief, PTSD, and much more. The reality is that I went through a lot and the odds of my success are slim. I'm not trying to boast myself but it's hard for me to find success stories of people that went through something similar to me. I wish there were so I could have more motivation. I know that I can make it. I was so close. I completed 3/4 of my bachelors before PTSD hit. I just want to cry to cleanse all of the past. I liked my therapist. Ironically, my drug addict brother who is one of the perpetrators also saw a therapist. I would run into him after a session. Just more fuel for his fire knowing that I was in therapy.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I honestly don't like talking about my past because it feels like I'm downgrading myself and people will judge me in a negative and stand-offish way. However, for some reason I have the desire to.

 

[cherryblossom]

Cherryblossom, I stopped going to therapy because it was too painful.

And that was my point. Therapy is tough, it hurts like hell. But you kind of have to go through all that difficult stuff, and then eventually it starts to get better. Riding out that tough time in therapy, is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

For years I avoided therapy, or I stopped because it got too painful, but for years, I suffered hugely. I wish someone had told me sooner just how hard therapy would be but also how worth while it would be in the long run. It was a huge 'light bulb moment' for me - finding out that no matter how difficult therapy is, ride it out, and things will get better.

Seriously, I had avoided it for years because of fear of how bad things might become. I read somewhere (on this forum), that so long as I could accept that things would get really bad and not act on that by doing anything stupid, eventually things would get better. I was at an all time low, I figured that I really didn't have anything to loose. If I felt worse -so what?

I threw my heart and soul into therapy for 12 months. And during that time I had some serious lows. I even Od'd in that time (when I wasn't strong enough to ride it out and accept the bad times), when I forgot to accept it as part of the process.

Of course I don't want to see you so low that you take such drastic action as I did, but feeling awful through therapy is par for the course. Therapy is really painful, but if you can ride it, the benefits are huge.

people will judge me in a negative and stand-offish way. However, for some reason I have the desire to.

Seriously here, you have the least judgemental people you could ever meet. You need to get this stuff out of your system, talk about it. You can do that here, you can even do it here anonymously if you want to.

I've met very few people here who judge and condemn others. Most just want to help, and share their own experiences to do that. You need to talk, however, wherever, but keeping everything bottled up is doing you no good.

I don't know if hugs are your thing, but you need a great big hug right now (which you can take or leave) :hug:

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm glad that you got better after therapy. I like opening up on this forum because it's online as opposed to in person. I have told people about my past and think that it was too much for them. It's hard for people to relate if they haven't been through trauma.

My outlook is a "too many things have happened in my past for me to be able to live a normal life" kind. I saw death and the effects of drug abuse all of which were family-based. It was all so normal and then, pow, my father passed away. Next thing you know, my older brother is a manipulative drug addict. I went from being in a middle class normal family to a parentless drug laden cesspool. I remember when I would get Christmas presents for my step-grandma. Now, her son, my stepdad, is addicted to heroin. And she allows him in her home. My mom had a brain anyeurism on Thanksgiving Day and passed away a week later. My dad had a massive heart attack during the night and I saw the aftermath the next day. My older brother is an abusive saboxin user that thinks he knows everything. My younger brother is unemployed and is having a child... Unfortunately, he thinks he will do a good job raising it.

Before, my stepdad wasn't a heroin junkie, my older brother was getting A's in college, my younger brother didn't knock up a girl, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked in an aluminum plant. I'm ashamed of everything that happened. I had straight A's in college... then all of this had to happen. And if I do become a success how am I ever going to be able to talk about my past? It's NOT possible. I can't look back in a scrapbook. It all was destroyed. The family legacy was put in shambles.

Normal families can smile because they were lucky enough to not be victims of cicumstance. What am I suppose to do? How can I live normally? My vision of a normal life was getting a middle class job, having a wife and kids, enjoying the holidays, going on vacations, learning, and having personal time. I seriously don't know how to make it work anymore.

 

[bell]

It's NOT possible.

As long as you think that's the truth, it will be.

Take a look around here and read about all the assaults, rapes, beatings, etc. etc., do you think that they like talking about their past, either? No, it's part of their scrapbook. And, they move on the best they can.

I think the key here is opening yourself up to others' experiences and learning from them. Seeing that it's possible to get better. And that everyone has problems, not just you. (Sorry if that sounds harsh.)

What I am saying here is not to sound b*tchy, but to sound like the realist I am. You need to realize that despite any of our individual muck, it's up to us to get better, no one else is going to do it for us. And that key is in your hands, you just need to grab it.

 

[Thinkingman85]

True. That's why I like this forum. I know that everyone has problems. I'm just stating mine because I've been "sucking it up" for six years and haven't gotten very far otherwise I'd stick to that approach. I know that it's up to me but it's hard if it feels like 10,000 knives are in your brain. I have enough strength to talk on this forum. When I was seeing a therapist, I ran into my older brother and resisted the rage and depression. It's like the more I do to try to better myself the worse I feel. My goal right now is just to have this depression alleviated so I can think more clearly about my future.