Childhood Development And The Impact Of Trauma

[shimmerz]

For those of you who have suffered from Developmental Trauma (http://www.traumacenter.org/products/pdf_files/preprint_dev_trauma_disorder.pdf), what do you feel you have 'missed' learning and what do you feel you would like help developing in order to be what most would call 'normal'?

For instance, I know that my attachment issues profoundly affect me. That is a lesson that is taught in the developmental stage. I am learning new attachment strategies and seeing where I went wrong - a more 'normal' way of attaching. One that most understand.

Any thoughts?

 

[Tippi]

@shimmerz , I think I missed out on bonding and attachment, and I can now see as an adult just how profoundly I have been affected by missing those incredibly significant stages in a child's early life.

I think probably that my lack of trust of human beings and my sense that the world is not a safe place are the two which have caused me to have a sense of emptiness and loneliness throughout my adulthood. Both of those are incredibly important lessons for a small child: to learn that you can trust that your caregiver will come and attend to your cries, needs, hurts, etc......and to learn that the world is a place of safety and adventure.

I've only recently even begun to understand just how profoundly I've been traumatized, not just by the abuse that I can actually remember, but by preverbal neglect and lack of normal developmental stages.

I'd like to "unlearn" both of those damaging lessons.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Definitely attachment and safety issues.

 

[Hope4Now]

I re-read the Van der Kolk article. Thanks for posting it. I had read it a long while back, and it was good to read it again now that I understand trauma better. I still don't fully understand attachment issues, but I know I have some of them. My biggest issue is that I think I never really integrated myself...started dissociating early on I think. Not sure how I made it this far in my life as well as I have...something worked right...but a lot went wrong and I'm only beginning to realize how profoundly this affects me. I would like most to feel like a fully-integrated, real adult person who can feel reasonably safe in the world, can feel the joy of giving to others without being exhausted by it, can feel that I am a worthwhile human being worthy of knowing and loving, and can stop feeling the tortured polarization between being desperate to be taken care of and loved and being terrified of the price that this exacts (it doesn't now, but I'm still afraid of it).

 

[shimmerz]

being desperate to be taken care of and loved and being terrified of the price that this exacts

I didn't actually notice this until you typed it. This is SO me. Thank you @Hope4Now. I too dissociated all my life (from at least 4 days old). This integration process takes some getting used to!

to learn that you can trust that your caregiver will come and attend to your cries, needs, hurts, etc

Not be the constant source for them. I have also realized that having NO parent to go to - where both parents are so abusive causes a set of problems that are unique (imho).

attachment and safety issues

I find it amazing that I thought I felt safe all of my life - but now that I am unwrapping my attachment issues I am seeing how safety (lack thereof on a core level) has changed everything about the way that I deal with people.

 

[Hope4Now]

This integration process takes some getting used to!

Yes. Surreal. Absurd. Uncomfortable. Etc. I had an experience yesterday in the shower when I felt compelled to measure my height on the tiles. When I stepped back to look at where it landed, I was completely freaked out--parts of me feel much smaller than I am and could not believe that I was that big, and parts of me feel like I am monstrously huge and could not believe how small I am in my today body. I'm so disconnected from my physical self that I have no real conception of my size in space! That's just one of the bizarre things that lack of integration has done to me.

Not be the constant source for them.

Wow. Yes. Concise and devastating way of saying it.
That's what I've always been, and still am for my mother. Pretty much the only source, really. Am trying to pull away and make boundaries, but she's hanging on for life. Re-traumatizing in a whole new way.

where both parents are so abusive causes a set of problems that are unique

This is interesting and the case with me. What's your sense of the uniqueness of this in terms of its effects?

 

[shimmerz]

What's your sense of the uniqueness of this in terms of its effects?

I feel that, especially when one is talking developmental issues, when there is one parent that a child can go to - even if they can do nothing, that at least there is a dynamic of understanding that there is value in reaching out. With people who I know with PTSD, who have consistently had both parents inaccessible for comfort (beyond this in fact with both being active abusers), I have noticed that the 'child' of such parents are fiercely independent, would rather die than reach out for help (regardless of how persistent the person reaching out is). I feel this is why many SO's or friends of people with PTSD feel like they are banging their heads against a brick wall when they are just trying to ease the burden. I feel like we (yes, I am one of them) have learned so incredibly well that it is a shameful and life threatening thing to approach anyone about 'issues'.

Of course everyone is different, however, I oftentimes have noticed that the 'child' (adult or not) does eventually need to see one parent as 'better' than the other and builds a very skewed vision of what is safe and what is not. Patterns repeat as they get older and they are drawn to what they feel is safety, although in fact, it is horribly similar to their childhood - leaning towards and accepting people in their lives who in fact, just feed the skewed vision.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have noticed that the 'child' of such parents are fiercely independent, would rather die than reach out for help (regardless of how persistent the person reaching out is). I feel this is why many SO's or friends of people with PTSD feel like they are banging their heads against a brick wall when they are just trying to ease the burden. I feel like we (yes, I am one of them) have learned so incredibly well that it is a shameful and life threatening thing to approach anyone about 'issues'.

Okay. Wow. You just described me. I am the helper. The caretaker. One who needs nothing from others. Hard to reverse this pattern! Very scary. Thank you for your insight on this.

 

[Suzetig]

@shimmerz I know exactly what you mean. I've always been extremely independent, never ask for help or support and have real difficulties in being vulnerable all stemming from trauma at key developmental stages. I know I haven't developed healthy attachment styles, coping mechanisms or emotional regulation. I recognise what you say about children with no stable, nurturing parent - you do need one consistent person growing up to maintain a relationship where you can develop these things over a period of time. I didn't have that ad am now working through it in therapy.

 

[shimmerz]

@Suzetig, for me it took an implosion of my psyche and a survival response to get me to HAVE to reach out. Prior to this many people in my circle saw me a the 'go to girl' which made it very uncomfortable to switch roles and all of them didn't make the cut. Then I had to work through attachment issues (losses, abandonment etc) as they left or I had to let them go. I see now that it was a healthy thing to do as I had many people in my life that were sucking me dry. The pendulum should swing - give - take. It must be very difficult for you to be going through this and not be able to ask for support. I can feel that. I wonder if that is the first step to working on attachment and safety issues? I really am not sure.

 

[Tippi]

you do need one consistent person growing up to maintain a relationship where you can develop these things over a period of time. I didn't have that ad am now working through it in therapy.

Was it Alice Miller who wrote about that? I think so. She wrote about how the traumatized and abused child who has at least one adult in his or her life who cares, protects, supports, nurtures, loves, seems to do much better than the child who had no adult.

I'm like you. I had no one. I think that's why it never occurs to me to ask for help. I mean, I don't ever even think about that. It's not even a thought that comes up for me. I am so accustomed to feeling alone and being alone and doing things alone.

It would be really nice to work on this is therapy, I'd think.........:)

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure, I had a consistent person growing up, 2 if I include one of my sisters, & yet I felt the same, adopted the same, turned out the same. It seems due to my own 'fault' or initiative I drew these conclusions or what have you? I feel almost 'badly' or no right to empathy for any struggles or character that seems to be of my own fault or choices or making, not others lacking.