Sufferer Diagnosed Ptsd Age 26. Abuse During Childhood.

[crazy8]

Hi.

I am a 26 year old graduate student and was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I primarily suffer from "emotional flashbacks," as my therapist tells me. All sorts of events, conversations, thoughts, songs, sounds, etc, in my life trigger me to go into a deep, very dark psychological experience where I intensely hate myself and also harm myself and have suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately I experience this negative self-talk perpetually throughout my days and nights (including frequent nightmares), and they become incredibly intense during these "episodes" of "emotional flashbacks." I frequently vomit (both unintentionally and intentionally) when I am in the flashbacks. My life is a living hell.

Though it is literally impossible for me to believe at times, I am blessed with a boyfriend who loves me and is taking every action to support me. I think this will help me immensely in this battle. I also have a good friend who is there for me when it gets particularly bad and I am afraid I will hurt myself badly. She has demonstrated that she will be there during those times.

In therapy, I am beginning to uncover the suppressed emotions from the physical abuse and emotional manipulation from my parents and some sexual abuse that I experienced from when I was a toddler through my teen years. It's surreal to think that those experiences that I literally almost completely forgot about are destroying my life right now. I have only just begun to think about these experiences; I don't have any memories of my emotions during these times and have a very, very, very long way to go to understanding and fixing this problem.

Because I also have pretty severe depression, I am seeing my primary doc as a referral to be prescribed SSRIs. It will be my first time going on such an invasive psychological therapy.

I am trying to lean on God through this time. It's difficult to do when my self-hate is so intense and pervasive. Logically, I know that God doesn't view me in the negative light that I view myself, but I am physically unable to engage in any sort of logical thought when I am in an intense negative emotional flashback.

Well, there is my story, up to this point at least...

Just saying "hi there" to everybody as I peruse this forum for information, motivation, and maybe, someday, giving advice.

~J.

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome

 

[intothelight]

Hi Crazy8,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Emotional flashbacks are tough as they seem to come from no where and don't fit into what is happening in the present. It is especially hard when there is little or no memory to tie them to a past event or "trigger" that might have set them off. But even without the memories to tie them to, or a clear cut trigger, they can be processed and over time they can be managed and less disruptive to your day-to-day life.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful to your healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[keifer]

I have those emotional flashbacks. Didn't know they even existed until last week.

 

[arfie]

Hi Crazy8. Welcome to the forum.

I was dx'ed with "Trauma Induced Amnesia" in 1974 by an Army shrink. I had blocked out my entire childhood. PTSD was not an established dx back then. I flat out refused to see the missing memories as a problem. I had enough mid-adolescence memories to know there was some genuinely ugly stuff there. Gnarly enough to make teenaged street life feel much safer than going home. Stuff best forgotten. So I thought until the late 80s when those emotional flashbacks, etc., derailed my career and started to dominate my parenting.

In the years since I have become convinced that the suppressed memories will dominate every time. They exist beyond the realm of higher logic functions. Zero checks and balances. Perhaps the heart and soul of the History addage, "That which we forget, we are doomed to repeat." That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Welcome aboard. Hope to see you around.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

I have been having what I think to be flashbacks over Times that I don't remember. It is highly confusing and drives me mad, so I understand. It makes me so confused because I get this huge sense of daja vu but don't know what I'm seeing. I am sorry for you troubles, I am glad that you, like myself, lean on God. I often trouble with that since sometimes I get a bit angry at Him for my situation, but I know He loves me in the end.

 

[crazy8]

@SuperAnxietyGirl glad to hear it.

If you like reading about God and PTSD, you may find this blog as therapeutic as I have:

I can't post the URL, but do a Google search for "healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd wordpress" and you'll find a blog written by someone who is leaning on God through her (very intense) Complex PTSD.

 

[zaniara]

I'm sorry for your suffering and all you had to endure. But I wish you a warm welcome!