Diagnosed With Depersonalization

[Bubba]

So I know I posted earlier today that I felt really good. Well, my world crashed down on me about 2 hours ago. I received a horrible email from my H - then he started texting me 15 times in a row (I eventually turned my phone off) - and he sent me another 12 emails.

I felt myself immediately shutting down - hands and feet going numb - body getting ice cold. I started drifting off and staring for long minutes at a time at nothing. 2 hours have passed and I haven't moved or done much of anything.

During this time, I remembered that my T told me yesterday that she thinks I have Depersonalization Disorder. I just looked it up and OMG - that is so me - and has been my entire life. This explains what I call "shutting down" when faced with stress. It's so weird to have that part of me explained.

I'm not sure what to do about it now - but maybe just knowing that it is and working with my T will help me get better. Or maybe this will just be a part of who I am. We'll see.

Just thought I would share. I'm sure there are many of you out there that can relate to what I'm saying.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Yes I can relate to shutting down when stressed. I hope you're feeling better today.

 

[Red Feather]

I have depersonalisations and derealizations. It's hard to sort through reality for me. Sorry about that. You might want to talk to a doctor about it too. But working through the trauma should help.

And Bubba, I totally understand you needing space from your H. I mean 12 Emails and 15 messages... that's a sign that he is way too codependant. Codependant people usually go crazy when you start showing them boundaries. Sorry he is bugging you so much. My ex did it with me too, it drove me absolutely insane. Until he finally got the picture... Sending you big hugs, lots of strength and motivation.

 

[fairywings]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can totally understand. I shut down all of the time. My ex boyfriend did the same thing. And the one before him.

 

[Srain]

(I just lost everything I typed :cautious:)

So maybe I needed to say it differently so I will try.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry your H is acting like a stalker (my opinion only), you were right to disengage. I might think about involving a third party should this continue to try to reason with him about this behaviour. It's surely not good for you and he needs to get a grip.

About the depersonalization, for me it goes hand in hand with dissociation and derealization, what a special soup this all makes to screw with a person head! Wow, it can really be difficult to grasp until you finally realize it's all part of the bigger picture and you are NOT alone in dealing with it, not mention there is help for it. I have found that therapy and the mindfulness techniques have helped me to live in the here and now and less inside my head - which can be a weird frightening place, distorting everything and one around me.

You are doing so well under such tough circumstance. Please take good care of you.
Peace and healing thoughts,
Rain

 

[Bubba]

Thank you Rain & Nadia and everyone else! I am doing better today. Yesterday ended up being horrible. When I finally turned my phone on again, I had (3) 4 minute long voicemails with him ranting at me. I had sent the first email he sent over to my two sisters - they both said they thought he was crazy. He keeps wanting me to tell him that I fell out of love with him 8 months ago and that was why I left and found my own place (let's see...his mom attacking me and his sister threatening and him living at his mom's and being mentally ill himself...yeah - none of that had ANYTHING to do with why I had to leave and isolate (said with sarcasm)).

He wants to say what isn't true. I didn't want a divorce before - but I definitely do now. I can't be with a crazy person nor someone who would join dating sites the day they told me they would support me. Trust is gone. And how can I be with someone who is so absolutely crazy. I need to take care of myself and get myself healthy - which is what I've been telling him all along.

I just pray he doesn't go completely psycho on me. I just want me to be left alone - that's all I've been asking for.

I had heard of depersonalization before, but had never looked it up. And it's so weird to see how much that fits me - especially when stressed. I know I've always had issues with feeling my emotions - and I've never really felt connected to myself - sometimes worse than others. During extreme times of stress, my head is my worst enemy and I always feel like I just can't get out of it - yet I'm not connected to my body. Such a weird thing. I never told anyone about this - I guess I thought it was normal or it has become my normal for so many years. I don't remember anything before the age of 7 (when I had the attempted rape). What I do remember are due to stories that my family have told me and there are only a couple of those. Time passes me by like crazy. I can waste a whole day and yet feel like I just woke up. I sit and stare and can't move. When it's really bad - I don't get anything done.

 

[Red Feather]

It sounds so familiar to me too. It really is quite disconcerting. Especially because this is how I have been for quite all of my life.

Probably the stress your ex is giving you is making it worse for you. Does he make you feel unsafe? Are you on medication? Med's might help any anxiety you are having. And maybe there is somebody you can trust who can inform this guy that it is finally and irreputably OVER. Somebody who will make him GET THE PICTURE...It doesn't matter when you decided to divorce. All of his arguments are irrelevant. He just needs to start understanding that it's over and so he can start getting other thoughts on his mind. Wishing you the best of luck with this.

I know how it is be getting messages on your phone. Still to this day, the cell phone triggers me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Bubba big hugs for you. Do you still need to be in contact with him? If you do then there is not much you can do about him contacting you. Once you get to the point that you do not need contact with him anymore, You can tell him that it is all over and you will be not contacting him anymore and he needs to do the same. He sounds like a stalker.

The best way to deal with them is to hang onto all of the phone messages, e-mails and whatever else communication he uses for evidence in case you need to get a restraining order. For now just screen your calls before you pick up and print up the e-mails and do not read them. I put this in another one of your posts. Have someone else screen the e-mails for you and let you read them if there is something you need to do.

I am sorry he is getting ugly. I hate that when it happens. I wish you could just shut him out, but I know you have the car to be worked out between you yet. I hope he does what he says he will do and not screw you out of that too. I wish I could wave a magic wand and turn him into a dust bunny and you could sweep him up and throw him away.:roflmao:

 

[Bubba]

Hey Gizmo - I like your idea about having someone else read the emails. I think I will do that. I am keeping everything. I'm even keeping his voicemails, although I refuse to listen to them. I know it can all be used as evidence if I need it.

And oh if only he could just be a dust bunny! I haven't heard from him today and I don't plan on contacting him for at least a few days. I want to compose a final email telling him (again) that it is over - final - done! To not contact me again. That I won't ever meet with him. That he needs to file for divorce or I will file for legal separation. Keep your prayers and magic wand coming :-)...

 

[Nicolette]

Other options are to block his email address so you don't even receive the email - thus eliminating any stress from receiving the email or setting up a rule for them to go into a folder so they don't even appear in your in box.

Some telephone companies (well here in Australia) can block a number from calling you and some phones even let you control it.

I get a restraining order is a good idea but if you avoid that stress by just making it impossible for him to contact you in the first instance, he may eventually give up if he rings a disconnected number etc? The law can do only so much but that doesn't remove the torment you have to go through in order to get to a place where they can do something. Prevention is better than cure based on experience.

When the time comes for a divorce - just give him a mailing address for all correspondence to be in writing. That makes it all too hard to stalk you IMHO.