Trying2GetBetter
New Here
I am new to the forum, and not sure how to start. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year. At the time, I had no idea what it was. At the time that I started seeing a Psychiatrist, I was going through a very nasty divorce and custody battle over my 7 year old son. My husband and I at the time, were having problems, he was, to the best of my knowledge, having an affair or wanting to start one. Through the time that we were together and through the marriage, I was verbally abused, sexually abused by him, ( while I was pregnant with our son ). At one point 6 yrs. ago the police came to our house at 1 a.m. and had a warrant for his arrest. They wouldn't say what the warrant was for, I was to pieces. Finally, the said it was for Sexual Assault on his 14 yr. old niece when he lived in another state in 1997. He told me later that it was all lies, and that his ex-wife made it all up so she could get him locked up and get custody of their daughter. He has had custody of her since their divorce. He always has been a good father, and my daughter lived with us until she graduated and got married. SO I assumed it was all lies. I even went to Miss. with him for 2 court dates.
My ex-husband was addicted to pain pills, and abused them very badly. As our marriage was coming to an end, he must have taken all his pills and couldn't get any, he was in one of his MOODS. A argument broke out and he threw over the table that I kept my jet nebulizer on. ( I have emphysema, and it is a breathing machine that I have to use). I told him to pick it up, he wouldn't. Things got so bad, I have NEVER seen the look in eyes that he had that night before. As I was picking up the jet nebulizer, he THEN came in to do it. I wouldn't let go of the cord. So he snatched it and jerked me up, and I hit the wall. He got right in my face, holding the jet neb as close to my face as possible, and said "Don't make me smash this into your face, and the kids find your bloody corpse on the living room floor in the morning !!" I was terrified ! Our 6 yr. old son and his 12 yr. old daughter was in the house. All I could think is to get my son, and leave as fast as I could. But I knew he would not let me leave the house with our son. So, I went outside, stayed out there until he fell asleep. I then went back inside very quietly and fell asleep, waiting for him to get up and take his daughter ( who I love with all my heart and have raised her for 8 years, and she still to this day calls me Momma ) to school and for him to go to work. AS soon as he left, I took my son to school, rushed back home, and started throwing whatever clothes and bathroom essentials I could into the car. I was even throwing wet clothes from the washer, taking dirty clothes, etc... I was so afraid he would pull up while I was doing this. I didn't think I could get out of there fast enough. Once out of the house, I had to take a Protective Order out on him preventing him from taking our son out of the state. He threatened to take him on Thanksgiving and said I would never see my little boy again. I was beside myself. My children are my heart, and I had to take the order out for my son's emotional safety. After the order was served, I had a severe panic attack after I took my son to school one morning, I just knew, that after I dropped him off at school, he would be sitting somewhere just waiting on me to kill me. I knew he had a 9 mm gun, so that did not help matters.
On top, of him sexually abusing me while I was pregnant, ( I told no one about this for 6 yrs. ) the verbal abuse from him, I was also raped at the age of 13 by someone else.(in my own home, my own room and he was probably mid 20's or late 20's) I didn't tell anyone about the rape for 30 years.
My psychiatrist referred me to a therapist, and she was beginning to help me. During the trial about the protective order, my soon to be ex at the time, was court ordered to keep insurance on my son and I, beginning Jan 1st. Under No Circumstances was the insurance to overlapse. Well, it did !! Neither one of us was covered. So my weekly appts. with the therapist came to a halt. It has been 10 months since I have been able to see her, and try to get through all this.
I am now divorced, but I am having a terrible time in trusting men. I have a boyfriend, but am unable to show my emotions, to give or receive his love. I find myself pushing him away, and I feel like this wall that I have put up over the years will never come down.
I have held so much in for so many years, and when I was finally to the point where I could talk about it, it stopped abruptly due to no insurance.
My therapist wrote a letter to the judge and it stated that when I would come in for my appts. I was shaking uncontrollably, visibly frightened, constant scratching due to my nerves, sobbing uncontrollably, placing self blame for what has happened to me.
I know I went into alot of details, and I am new to the forum, but I am just wondering if anyone else out there has gone through some of what I did, and how do you learn to trust, and break the wall down that keeps you from letting others in ?
Thank you so much for your time and your reply to my post. God bless each one of you that is suffering from PTSD, it is such a hard thing to live with.
My ex-husband was addicted to pain pills, and abused them very badly. As our marriage was coming to an end, he must have taken all his pills and couldn't get any, he was in one of his MOODS. A argument broke out and he threw over the table that I kept my jet nebulizer on. ( I have emphysema, and it is a breathing machine that I have to use). I told him to pick it up, he wouldn't. Things got so bad, I have NEVER seen the look in eyes that he had that night before. As I was picking up the jet nebulizer, he THEN came in to do it. I wouldn't let go of the cord. So he snatched it and jerked me up, and I hit the wall. He got right in my face, holding the jet neb as close to my face as possible, and said "Don't make me smash this into your face, and the kids find your bloody corpse on the living room floor in the morning !!" I was terrified ! Our 6 yr. old son and his 12 yr. old daughter was in the house. All I could think is to get my son, and leave as fast as I could. But I knew he would not let me leave the house with our son. So, I went outside, stayed out there until he fell asleep. I then went back inside very quietly and fell asleep, waiting for him to get up and take his daughter ( who I love with all my heart and have raised her for 8 years, and she still to this day calls me Momma ) to school and for him to go to work. AS soon as he left, I took my son to school, rushed back home, and started throwing whatever clothes and bathroom essentials I could into the car. I was even throwing wet clothes from the washer, taking dirty clothes, etc... I was so afraid he would pull up while I was doing this. I didn't think I could get out of there fast enough. Once out of the house, I had to take a Protective Order out on him preventing him from taking our son out of the state. He threatened to take him on Thanksgiving and said I would never see my little boy again. I was beside myself. My children are my heart, and I had to take the order out for my son's emotional safety. After the order was served, I had a severe panic attack after I took my son to school one morning, I just knew, that after I dropped him off at school, he would be sitting somewhere just waiting on me to kill me. I knew he had a 9 mm gun, so that did not help matters.
On top, of him sexually abusing me while I was pregnant, ( I told no one about this for 6 yrs. ) the verbal abuse from him, I was also raped at the age of 13 by someone else.(in my own home, my own room and he was probably mid 20's or late 20's) I didn't tell anyone about the rape for 30 years.
My psychiatrist referred me to a therapist, and she was beginning to help me. During the trial about the protective order, my soon to be ex at the time, was court ordered to keep insurance on my son and I, beginning Jan 1st. Under No Circumstances was the insurance to overlapse. Well, it did !! Neither one of us was covered. So my weekly appts. with the therapist came to a halt. It has been 10 months since I have been able to see her, and try to get through all this.
I am now divorced, but I am having a terrible time in trusting men. I have a boyfriend, but am unable to show my emotions, to give or receive his love. I find myself pushing him away, and I feel like this wall that I have put up over the years will never come down.
I have held so much in for so many years, and when I was finally to the point where I could talk about it, it stopped abruptly due to no insurance.
My therapist wrote a letter to the judge and it stated that when I would come in for my appts. I was shaking uncontrollably, visibly frightened, constant scratching due to my nerves, sobbing uncontrollably, placing self blame for what has happened to me.
I know I went into alot of details, and I am new to the forum, but I am just wondering if anyone else out there has gone through some of what I did, and how do you learn to trust, and break the wall down that keeps you from letting others in ?
Thank you so much for your time and your reply to my post. God bless each one of you that is suffering from PTSD, it is such a hard thing to live with.
