Relationship Did I Do The Right Thing?

[Sephira]

Hi Nicolette, Amethyst and all the wonderful people who've commented on my posts in the past.

So, you all know that I have been with a man in Bahrain with untreated PTSD for 5 years ( he has been a sufferer for 3). Our relationship has limped along, he has been manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive and hasn't respected boundaries. We must have broken up and gotten together again at least 10 times. He uses our relationship like a weapon. I've been codependent, made excuses for him, and have been completely unhappy while all the while he has been blaming all our relationship woes on me. He says I'm over complicated, I overthink, I'm crazy and make him unhappy. He has refused to take any responsibility for his symptoms, or controlling them.

Last weekend, he came back from deployment, isolated and we fought over my tone of voice. I had a nasty tone for literally 5 minutes. i apologized afterward, and was nice for the remaining week but he just couldn't get over it. He said that 5 minutes ruined his holiday. He broke up with me yesterday over it.

So, I emailed him and was honest about how I felt, and that he never respected my boundaries, refused to take responsibilities for his behavior, and that PTSD was not an excuse for bad behavior. I took responsibility in the email for my codependency, and my part in the breakup as well. He messaged me afterwards, upset. He said he owes me nothing and after the email he is sure he wants nothing from me. I feel bad now because I probably triggered him, but I'm sick of not defending myself. I'm sick of being abused and being treated poorly. I'm sad, I miss him and I still love him.

Did I do the right thing by being honest, or do you think I should have just left him alone?

 

[amethist]

I think there is no right or wrong here, you did what you felt was right for you. He crossed boundaries that you had set, so you called him on them. Nothing wrong with that, I do it all the time with my husband.

Speaking to them in a tone of voice they will except is impossible all the time. why should you be the one to walk on egg shells just to keep the peace. To be honest this does not work, in any relationship, PTSD involved or not.

You will be sad, you will miss him, but could you honestly go on through life with him behaving like this, blaming you for his misgivings, probably not.

What ever you did it sounds like you could not have got it right.

 

[Sephira]

So after I posted, he sent me a text again. He said I was a coward, neurotic, and a broken person and that he doesn't want me. After that he sent another text asking me to play video games with him, just no relationship and that he'd call me in the morning on the way to work. Do you think he is just once again manipulating me by breaking up to hurt me as he feels i hurt him? or maybe he actually means it and just wants a gaming buddy? I know you're supposed to listen to your sufferer, if they want to break up, it usually isn't related to the PTSD, just their inability to commit.

Isn't it weird after he says all of those mean things that he still wants to maintain contact...I don't get it.

 

[p-no]

I think that the more important question is: Do you want to be his gaming buddy after all those mean things he said to you?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I don't think you could have kept your feelings bottled up much longer. That's no way to live. It just makes one sad and lonely and it would turn into deep resentment. That's just my opinion.

I am in a similar situation, without the mean comments, but distancing is a huge issue. And still I wasn't able to wait as long as you. I wrote a similar letter and have yet to hear a response from him because he's isolating. I love him terribly, but cannot continue to let PTSD rule the relationship.

I understand the fear of triggering him. I go threw that too. But, from what you posted, your man has been cruel and abusive and has ignored your boundaries. What will being his gaming buddy do for you? It seems to me that would just start the cycle again. Again, just my opinion.

I hope it works out for you in whichever way is best.

 

[nursenurse]

He wants to play games with you? Dear lord it is like you are next door neighbours. Distance yourself, do not play games. How dare anyone say those things to you and not apologize? You will find yourself in a deeper hole than he is in, if you continue. What he has said is cruel and mean spirited, intended to cause you to question your self worth. If you continue to listen to it, eventually your soul will take it in and believe it, even though it isn't who you are.

Grieve the man you lost. Sometimes I wonder if some these personality traits were actually always there, emphasized when the PTSD took hold. Move on with your life. It takes a stronger and more courageous soul to let go. I wish you peace, you deserve it do much!

 

[Sephira]

Nurse nurse, you are completely correct. He called this morning and told me he gets upset with my tone because he just doesn't like me. He can't stand the sound of my voice and it upsets him that much. Again, NO responsibility for his behavior.

Tbh, the abusive things he said were normal for him. He constantly calls me names, says I'm broken, psycho, neurotic cowardly, stupid, manipulative and mean to name a few. I guess I'd gotten used to it. Your outrage at it made me realize I can't stay, even though I love him. I stayed because of the man he was, but he isn't that man anymore. Maybe he did me a favor leaving me after all. Thank you again!

 

[nursenurse]

I have been called every horrid four letter name in the book, and other things . You think sticks and stones, and you don't realize until it is too late that you have internalized all of it. After 5 years of being away from the ex, the fat stupid cow in my brain still festers to the surface. My sufferer thinks I am a Cupcake. Imagine that, in my fifties :D

Be strong. No one needs this nonsense. In his pea brain he is trying to upgrade his status by downgrading yours. Do not fall for it!

Salud!

 

[Nicolette]

Isn't it weird after he says all of those mean things that he still wants to maintain contact

Not in the least, manipulation of a co-dependent person at its best. He wants you to feel bad and we know with co-dependency you place your worth in another's acceptance of you - especially when they have told you every bad quality they believe you to possess.

He said I was a coward, neurotic, and a broken person

Projection of himself?!

He constantly calls me names, says I'm broken, psycho, neurotic cowardly, stupid, manipulative and mean to name a few. I guess I'd gotten used to it.

And then he says sorry, wants you back or acts like nothing has occurred - the abuse cycle!

He called this morning and told me he gets upset with my tone because he just doesn't like me.

It isn't even about responsibility - he is manipulating. What person in their right mind would still want to maintain contact with someone they don't like unless they know that they can still get what they want from you - at the other's expense.

Sorry to be so direct - I'm in a bit of a rush.

Please don't accept this anymore. You are worthy of so much more. :hug:

 

[Sephira]

Thank you for the reply Nicolette! I feel silly asking this, but I don't understand, truly. What is he getting from me that makes him want to maintain contact? Does abusing me make him feel better, healthier? I know our relationship follows the abuse cycle perfectly. You're right, I don't deserve this, and it's time I got away. I wish it hurt less though :(

 

[Nicolette]

What is he getting from me that makes him want to maintain contact?

He knows you will accept his mistreatment (abuse) of you and you will still be there for him...... he has an open door despite his despicable behaviour and treatment of you. He has a hold on your heart and he knows you are 'needy' so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Does abusing me make him feel better, healthier?

I don't know - maybe it is all he knows and you accept it? Maybe he is sick - more than PTSD? Does it really matter?

 

[nursenurse]

Control. He wants control, has had it, wants it back. Nicolette is right, he has more than PTSD. Of course you love him, so it is hard to understand why someone who was supposed to have your best interests at heart, doesn't. It isn't you, it's him, remember that, because now it is going to be more difficult to not believe all that horse poop he was telling you. Stay far away, someone like this could turn physically abusive as well. Don't answer his calls, emails, texts, block him if you can. I am serious. You do not need to be worn down by someone who is dangerous to your heart and soul.