Did I go back to work to soon?

[FauxLiz]

I was off work from the end of December 2017 through Mid-July 2018. It was more of a financial decision than anything else to go back to work but now after just over 3 months I am a basket case. I have been dealing with serious SI and SH. I am struggling to get out of bed to go to work in the morning, feel like projects are falling behind and that I am seriously failing. I am between a rock and a hard place though. My short term disability doesn't cover mental health disorders and long term disability wouldn't even be a possibility for 12 months. If I had not taken this job I had my STD and severance package which included continuation of my LTD insurance until I obtained a new job. I have no savings, I know that to qualify for SSI or SSDI I would have to have been off work for at least 12 months so that isn't an option either. Current T wants me to consider hospitalization but that would require me to be honest about my condition.

I am sorry I know I sound like I am just whining but I feel like I am truly falling apart. I am not sleeping longer than 4 hours a night, I am having nightmares about work, my traumas and the upcoming holidays all mixed together. This morning I went into the office an hour late and worked through lunch because I was so exhausted having been awake since 4:30 am. That was after a week of not having been able to fall asleep before midnight waking up roughly 4 hours later, not able to go back to sleep all week. I am on so many sedative meds including ambien and it feels as though nothing is working to get me the rest that I need to function. I feel like I am stuck I can't go forward, I can't go back I can't function in my every day and I want to disappear.

 

[blackemerald1]

more of a financial decision than anything else to go back to work

^^Yes I recall you were in serious trouble financially and finding a job was a big priority and returning to work was a necessity. If you stop work now, leave work - with nothing as a safety net - how will you live?

feel like projects are falling behind and that I am seriously failing.

^^Is this a true and realistic assessment of what is actually happening or are you getting the work done but feel overwhelmed by it all?

Current T wants me to consider hospitalization but that would require me to be honest about my condition.

^^I think this is a good suggestion because I think something has to happen to help your through this. I am just worried about the ramifications for you. Does it have to be so public?

What is the T expecting to happen in hospital? What is his plan and treatment going to be if you did go in? Have you discussed this with him?

I sound like I am just whining but I feel like I am truly falling apart.

^^You are totally NOT whining my friend! This is serious stuff - you have had such a difficult time. I know you cannot seem to find a satisfactory solution and in a timely manner but honestly your circumstances are quite unique and this doesn't help you one little bit.

I am on so many sedative meds including ambien and it feels as though nothing is working to get me the rest that I need to function.

^^I wonder if the sedating meds have got to the point where they are hindering you more than helping? I had a similar experience with a sedating medication and honestly I was so tired all the time - yet had chronic insomnia. In exasperation the doctor told me to stop taking a sedative so that he could assess me when I was completely clear of all drugs. I think it was only a couple of days later ... I slept - solidly for the first time in a very long time.

My anxiety (still) peaked out a lot during the day but I just felt I was able to manage it better simply because I had slept.

Is this an option for you? Have you discussed weaning off all meds either in hospital or under supervision outside of hospital to see how you manage?

I feel like I am stuck I can't go forward, I can't go back I can't function in my every day and I want to disappear.

I know you feel horrible right now FauxLiz. There is a solution to this problem you are experiencing right now. It feels hopeless I know but it isn't and you are not so please keep searching for it. I don't want you to disappear. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 you make a lot of good points. Yes when I took this job I was in a financial bind, can't remember a time in my life that hasn't been the case. Could I have made things somewhat easier by moving in with family possibly but the mental health toll would have been devastating.

If I were to leave my job with no safety net what would I do? Travel as far south as I could and live in my car, shelters, the streets honestly I don't know if I care anymore. I am so tired of gutting it out just to get through the end of the day, week, month and year with what appears to be no forward improvement and no end in sight.

What does T think would happen if I am hospitalized honestly I don't think he has a freaking clue. His idea was to go to the ER on a Friday (one sick day) and then I would only miss a single day of work. I had to explain to him that if it wasn't a voluntary commitment the courts would not consider Sat & Sun in the 72 hours as well they aren't in session. If it is voluntary, it would be counter intuitive to go through the process of getting admitted so that I could immediately request discharge which would be the only way that I could guarantee I was only there three days and wouldn't miss additional work which requires a return to work note from your doctor after three days absence.

I discussed weaning off all of my meds last spring with my then Pdoc and it was determined that hospitalization was the best option. Much against my better judgement I agreed and went voluntary. However, once I was there the staff Pdoc didn't give a crap what my outpatient Pdoc were trying to do and 15 minutes after she met me told me that I had BPD, she couldn't take me off any of the meds as they were imperative to my mental health and spent the next several days ordering psychological testing to prove her diagnosis correct in spite of the fact that the results were not showing BPD, my outpatient Pdoc was not onboard and she refused to listen to me any further. So I requested a discharge, and 2 1/2 days later she finally signed the discharge papers while telling me that she was opposed to me leaving that I was doing so AMA and that while she felt she had grounds to have me involuntarily held she "wanted to provide me with a safe place to return" which will never happen again.

Where I live now weaning off all meds without hospital supervision would be dangerous. My T and Pdoc are both an hour and a half away, the Pdoc doesn't do any evening hours.

I am so tired of living like this, tired of trying to be the perfect person, employee, daughter, mom I just can't shake the idea the world would just be so much better off if I fell of the grid, if I sold every possession I own other than clothes and my car and just walked away from the disaster my life has always been and become someone else, anyone else that doesn't have the demons of hell chasing her down and quickly catching up.