Dom Violence Did you stay?

[dulcia]

After things got violent, did you stay? How long did you stay? Are you still in the relationship now?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I was in multiple relationships that turned violent. I stayed a few times because I was convinced they would change, and that I was obviously put in that situation to help them somehow, or if I could just love them better they wouldn't want to hurt me, or if they'd just see my worth there's no way they'd want to hurt me again, or if I'd just learn how to be a better overall partner, and for a while during those years, because my other option was to be homeless, and I feared that more than getting my ass kicked, apparently. I'm thankfully no longer in a situation like those. It's been a couple decades since I experienced that. I've been married to a kind, gentle, and supportive soul for the last 10 years, been together 15. I hope to never have to experience it again. I hope anyone who is can find strength and safety soon.

 

[The Albatross]

No I did not stay but it took me 2 1/2- 3 1/2 years to get the guts up to leave and then I sent mixed signals for another year because I was enmeshed with my former partner. But I did not have familial support, and in the 80's in my area there were no women's shelters.

No I am not in the relationship now...but was being shadowed and contacted even 25 years later. Creepy fact but that just hammers home how I did the right thing.

 

[anonymous]

I have for many years. I am trying to get out.

 

[LuckiLee]

Oh @dulcia, I'm worried for you. I'm on the same roller coaster as you. But never would I tolerate "violence". That's a whole different level then the verbal abuse ( and I don't even like calling it abuse because it's his defense mechanism in certain situations).

I don't know what happened but for you to even ask these questions it seems to be out of control. You can't help him. It will only escalate. YOU KNOW THAT! Please please please take care of yourself right now.

I read some of your back story and from what I can tell it's not getting better. It's getting worse. The advice you give to people on this forum is always spot on. It's time you took your own advice now.

You're with a combat veteran who has become violent with you. Time to move on. No one deserves to be treated that way. Shit. The whole purpose of this forum is because people were treated that way.

You know what you need to do. You can't save him. I've never heard of a relationship where it was physically abusive and then miraculously changed to a stable loving one. Ever!

A relationship may just be too much for him. I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. Take care of YOURSELF and (((HUGS))) to you.

XO

 

[LuckiLee]

I have for many years. I am trying to get out.

You can do it!!!!! XO

 

[anonymous]

My dad is a combat veteran. When I was a kid he drank too much and beat my mum. She says it stopped after she told him if he ever laid a hand on her again she would take the kids and leave. I don't know if their relationship is "stable and loving" - I know it's pretty volatile still - they argue all the time - but apparently it's no longer violent. Having said that I haven't lived at home for over 20 years so how would I know? They just had their 46th wedding anniversary. I guess that's why I stay with my veteran - because I think change is possible. I just don't know how to motivate him to make those changes.

 

[LuckiLee]

@anonymous. He has to motivate himself.

 

[anonymous]

Yes, I stayed for ten year. I often wonder what I missed out on through all that time :-(

 

[shimmerz]

After things got violent, did you stay?

Yes. Until I got a plan together to safely leave. This part of DV is like walking a tightrope. The longer I stayed, the more damage he did to me.

How long did you stay?

Almost a year from the time that the violence started and about 5 months from the time I realized what was happening.

Are you still in the relationship now?

\Absolutely not.

I know it's pretty volatile still - they argue all the time - but apparently it's no longer violent.

Words can be very violent. Soul crushing even.

 

[dulcia]

This part of DV is like walking a tightrope.

I never feel right saying my relationship has "domestic violence" or "physical abuse". He's never broken anything, never made me bleed more than a scratch, no black eyes or anything, no choking to the point of unconsciousness or serious damage....

Minimizing? Probably. But I feel like a fraud saying it nonetheless.

Thanks @leehalf, I really appreciate it.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so now I'm confused. In the opening post... what kind of violence is it that you are askin' about?