Difficulties communicating, grew up with narcissistic parent

[ppppts]

I suppose some of you grew up with parents abusing you in some or another way.

I grew up with a parent, constantly lying to me and manipulating me in every way. My parent also scared me a lot, and hit me, I thought I was going to die at one point.

Many years I thought that I was just more stupid than everybody else, and I thought everyone talking in codes, which I tried learning by analyzing, and I later found out was the worst strategy ever.

I find it so hard to communicate correctly with people close to me, because I’m always on guard to something bad happening, it’s difficult to trust people, if they ever lie to me, and I sometimes answer in kind of a mean way, with a smile, like I’m saying «I know what you’re up to» in pure sceptisism, when all I want is for people to feel good and to feel loved and safe. I really don’t want to hurt people, but sometimes I assume good people to be really bad to me, just because my experience with some people are so so bad...

So I wonder if there is any thing I can do to try to change this?

I feel it’s a good thing at least that I’m partly aware of this. But because I grew up with a parent with such toxic and horrible attitude towards everything in life, I automatically act some of the same ways that my parent did.

 

[Kubash16]

I completely understand this. I have a super hard time communicating and trusting. So what I have been doing is working with my therapist on it. We play out situations and work out different responses and that way I get real time feedback with none of the danger and I’m prepared for the real life scenario. It also helps that I am learning to trust him and he has truly earned my trust.

 

[Abstract]

Do you want to share more specifically about the ways you have ended up doing similar stuff to your parents? That may help us help you. I relate to a fair amount of what you describe. Its hard to think clearly when so much of your brain is busy with other tasks than listening. Essentially the cognitive parts of the brain switch off when too much amygdala is going on.

 

[ppppts]

Do you want to share more specifically about the ways you have ended up doing similar stuff to your parents? That may help us help you. I relate to a fair amount of what you describe. Its hard to think clearly when so much of your brain is busy with other tasks than listening. Essentially the cognitive parts of the brain switch off when too much amygdala is going on.

It’s like I don’t mean to do anything bad. But I think I’m being strong by confronting someone, but I’m doing it in the wrong way. I feel as if I may say mean or hurtful things, or I don’t understand most of it, why suddenly people become really strange towards me. And I feel as if I’m very aware of how I talk, and try to explain to people if they seem to misunderstand. But very often, some might get really angry or hurt, and I just sit there wonder what I did so wrong and feeling terribly bad, because I knew I did something wrong, just not what it was

 

[PreciousChild]

@ppppts , I think I understand what you're saying. We communicate and behave according to internal conditions and dictates. If I'm acting in ways that offend others, I might see the reaction, but I might not be able to do otherwise. I only have the resources that I do and I can't see myself in the perspective of the other, so I have no idea what exactly they're reacting to. For a really, really, really long time, it always felt unpredictable how I was going to communicate and how others reacted to me. Even now, there's a part of me that goes right there. But with healing, I feel pretty much that I communicate what I intend to. With feedback loop from other people's reactions over a long time, I've also learned that my improvements are working. I've also read a ton. I over-intellectualize everything which has its serious downsides. But I've also benefitted from a lot of great knowledge out there. I especially learned a whole new way to communicate by reading How to Listen so your kids will talk and talk so that your kids will listen. It's not just about parenting. It changed everything. Really makes it simple and clear what we want from communication. They convey information through comic strips and very, very easy reading.

That said, the struggle still continues if in a different and less intense way. I've been able to "control" my communication, but that doesn't mean my voice comes entirely from authenticity. I've learned new tricks, but there are still complications.

 

[Abstract]

I just sit there wonder what I did so wrong and feeling terribly bad, because I knew I did something wrong, just not what it was

That sounds very hard. I wonder if it would be worth speaking a psychiatrist about this. It might be I think. Do you have access to one? Also have you ever looked into the difference between assertiveness and aggression? How good are you at assertiveness?

 

[grit]

It is really weird when I see others experiencing something I experienced all my life and no one even not one therapist would put the right words for me to make sense.

All my life a lot of people would react to me certain way that was exactly applicable to my inner state as someone already said but I did not know that was it. I was like why everybody is reacting to me this way? I am not out to get them but they are sounding like I am wtf!!!

Your experience can be different but being a child of narcissistic mother, I will say you are not too far from my ball park...

I learned this very late in life and actually as a reaction to a bad therapist.

When you are communicating, you are speaking from a very very deep place of feeling threatened. You are not feeling safe in normal states. Even if you are speaking to someone whom you trust and knew a long time, your baseline (deep in your gut) is programmed as only to respond as if there is a threat.

So a coworker says to you hey ppppts are you on your coffee break? your deep deep stomach hears your parents saying you did something wrong and your respond why? why do you ask? is this answer sounds normal to you but to others or most people it is defense. there is no wrong or right answer but if you drill on it...the most normal logic answer could have been yes. do you want to join me?

Just an example.

the best thing I can advise you is find a group therapy that focuses on empathy. What you will learn is you will have time to observe and feel your gut before you speak. so eventually you will get used to, first feeling the tiny tension in the gut and then waiting until your response is neutral and no blood rush or any other physiological activities.

It takes time and you are very very close because the first step is where you are: you are noticing cognitively others are reacting to you when you even mean well so what is it? right. say less and listen more.

Hope this is helpful. we are all different and wired different but a car accident is car accident.