Difficulties Socializing - Making Friends

[RileysMom]

I recently attended a baby shower for one of my fellow military spouses. There are a couple spouses that always invite me to these types of social functions, but I'm starting to feel like I'm a charity case. That they feel sorry for me or even enjoy my social awkwardness. Every time I attend a function I hid in the background. I'm quiet. I'm sure I come off as being stuck up and rude. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I have no idea what to talk about. When I leave they make this face like "the poor girl" or "whew she's leaving". Maybe I'm reading too much into everything.

How do I let people know that I have difficulties with social intercation? How do I not sound like a crazy person or someone that wants their pity?

I want NO ONES pity. I want to be normal, whatever normal is. I haven't always been like this. In high school, I was always on stage, either singing or acting. I was involved in a community theater for a couple summers. I was a little shy, but I enjoyed being around people. Now, every social event brings on a sense of dread. I've labeled myself as "the crazy wife" and "the fat wife" whenever I talk to my husband about going to these things. Why the hell would anyone want to be around me?

I have started speaking up about PTSD on my FB page. So many of our service men and women are coming back from war with PTSD. I feel like I need to provide what support I can. I haven't told anyone my story, just that I have PTSD. I'm not even sure if anyone other than a few of my family members know what it is. Maybe I'm alienating myself. All I know is that I feel very alone.

 

[The Albatross]

I try to sort out my perceptions about what other people might be thinking to... what is real, what is unspoken. It helps me to focus more when I am feeling uncomfortable in situations. What do I absolutely know, what am I perceiving but absolutely can not know... because I seldom ask.

If I sort it out... I find most often that I may be coloring my own experiences based on my emotional landscape, projecting my fears, stress, anxiety onto them in ways that they have not necessarily demonstrated directly to me.

I got a choice. I can choose to go to an event... and all that entails. Or I can choose not to and risk social atrophy. I tend to put myself out there, even when I don't feel up to it... because I recognize I need the things that come from socialization... I try to tell my inner critic to shut the hell up and unless directly acted upon... to stay calm, stay congenial, to stay in the moment and peaceful.

What others say or do is up to them... at least you are being invited. There is more benefit in the invitation and your choice to go than there is listening to your inner critic telling you you are a charity case... and downplaying the reasons you were invited.

It has taken a bit of work to resist the reliance on hypervigilence and filtering perceptions, giving prefference to my own. I'm getting a bit better now at asking directly and weighing the answer... if they are not to my liking I can make a different choice in the future. But their reactions belong to them, not to me... I'm no one's victim... and I won't accept downplaying risk taking to be part of a group by my own inner critic.

 

[The Albatross]

Feeling alone in a group was a big red flag for me that my inner critic was running the show... and sacrificing socialization for safety. Just sharing what happened to me. We can deal with some anxiety... and stress... learn how to be social... and not dig too deeply in the perception stuff. Not many actually spend so much time thinking out every thing they say or do. Not like we do. Often times it is rude, or ignorant... but not necessarily malicious.

 

[stuff]

I lead a pretty sociable life, but I struggle with the same things you are talking about. It not always fun, but it's almost always worth it. I'm learning it's ok to share bits of who I am with other people, even if it's something they can't relate to. The good ones stick around, the ones who are uncomfortable with that just move on. It doesn't always make me feel any less lonely, but it's better than before. I love learning about other people, even if I am usually too shy to ask the questions I want to. I find even going through the motions of what I figure someone who has social skills would do is really helpful. I feel like a total fish out of water, but it's working.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I never tell anyone anything. I just let them wonder, but I always find the good points about everyone, never ever complain, always say the nice things and am ALWAYS light around people. Never a mean word. It is when I get home that I am a basket case. So even if they think I am weird, they also will know that I am a nice weird. I like people and SOOOO want to connect!! Of course, I am not connected. I am reaching so hard but I cannot ever touch them.

I decided long ago to never honor another soul with my story unless they are of such dear loyal kindness and understanding that I almost never tell anyone a thing.

It does get confusing, but people like nice people and it covers over a multitude of madnesses.

 

[charliehotelwhiskey]

I try to avoid social events as much as possible. But when I do go, I try to blend into the wall. I avoid large crowds, so festivals are totally out for me. There are times that I kind of wish I could be a socialble. That I could get enough courage to go to a festival.

Years ago I did go to one, but that was the last. There were people there that I had arrested and they started to hound me. Fortunately I was there with others, so nothing more happened.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I've been feeling the same way, Rileysmom. But, I was at the fair on Thursday evening and feeling like a real person. I mean, I wasn't relying on my name to make me acceptable to others, nor was I feeling the need to explain any social awkwardness. I was awkward, but I was also sociable.

I also spent some time after a couple of hours into it, staring off and imagining things like having a seizure in the stands and wetting myself. I know. I have some pretty realistic "day dreams". Usually they entail me being hurt and others coming to my aid. So, you can see that I wasn't completely successful in this outing, but I was there for about 4 hours and had reached my threshold at 2 hours.

Anyway, in reading your post I had to comment because I feel the same way, I don't want pity, but people know there's something off about me. I thought I wanted to just tell them what's going on so I wouldn't feel like I'm hiding it anymore, that maybe I'd feel more comfortable if they knew. But, after my experience at the fair, I think that it really has less to do with them and more to do with me. I was content to just be me, awkward, dissociating at times, but also present when needed. I got to see my kids show their chickens at the auction, and I got to see my son with a proud smile on his face in front of our community. So, what do I care if those people think I'm kooky? They will think it no matter what I tell them. And, if I can manage to continue to accept myself, triggers and fears and day dreams and all, as they come I think that I will be able to overcome my social anxiety and maybe even win some friends too.

That was my first real experience with it, so it's just my hope that it will work out well for me. And, I hope it helps you too.

 

[Sethe]

My mother used to call me 'socially retarded' when I was a teenager.

So, yeah, I still have problems 'socializing.'

Actually, let me take that back. I did pretty well in group until I burned a whole lot of bridges. :(

But, in general, it is HARD to be around other people and be calm/safe.

Inner Critic needs to be sedated.

 

[shell]

Sometimes its so hard to make the effort to socialize, lately I always want to leave early which pisses my husband off, and that's with friends I know and like. The thought of meeting people at a party or bbq that I haven't met before is beyond my capabilities. I suggested having a few friends over for drinks and my husband suggested we should wait until I'm better, I had to laugh, he obviously just doesn't get it. At that rate it could be years.

 

[HopefulChristian]

Military wives can be mean but not knowing what other wives you were around I'd say our mind gets the best of us sometimes. I'm glad you are speaking up about PTSD. I still haven't found the courage especially on FB because my hubby hasn't told anyone himself (of his friends or family). I think you should tell your story. :)
I'm here for you if you need to chat.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Came to the forum today to address my issues with friends and friendships and look at the thread I found. Very surprised. "Guess great minds think alike."

Sincing running off the only friend I've had in years(an online firend at that), I can say I am offically lonely. Of course, I have no one to blame but myself but that does not mean it does not hurt any less. I ran this person off because I perceived them getting to close. The mere mention of possibly coming to visit me and panic set in and I did everything, quickly, to run this person off. I don't do socializing at all. I'm not any good at it and the last time I tryed all I managed to do was run off the people around me. I just don't know how. My verbal, moral and social compass simply does not work.

I am so sorry others have this issue but glad too! This way I know it is not just ME! Is this due to the ptsd or do we have some other issues going on?

Generally speaking, my temper is under control but my attitude sucks, and I would rather just curl up and die. That is how I feel today, sorry--see, not very good at socializing..