Difficulties With Sex...

[Becky_From_Canada]

OK, this is no doubt a really common issue in a community like this one, but those of you whose traumas involved rape/sexual abuse - how do you work towards a "normal" sexual relationship?

I mean, I am married and I have kids, but to be honest the best I can do on a good day is *tolerate* sex. Actually *liking* it is kind of impossible for me. I try my best but it's really hard, and on the bad days its really frustrating for my husband, and that leads to all kinds of problems.

I actually really bad for him sometimes. He knew what he was getting into when he married me, and he's as supportive as he knows how to be - but at the same time I recognize that he's human. I sometimes push him away - physically and emotionally - and that must kind of suck for him.

At the same time, I'm often so wrapped up in what I'm trying to deal with that I don't have the mental capacity to think about what it's like for him. And that always makes me feel guilty.

Sometimes I can get through the sex and be kind-of-sort-of OK about it. And sometimes it triggers flashbacks. And there's no way of predicting which way it will go.

Do those of you in similar situations talk to your partners about your experiences? Or do you just muddle along as best you can?

Becky

 

[PioneerSon]

Becky, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you... not only to "talk" about this on this forum, but the day-to-day process of just trying to deal with the issue and give loving support to your partner.

I can say that for me, a victim of childhood rape by trusted members of the clergy, the flashbacks continue... even now... 45 years later. I am so fortunate to have a loving wife who somewhat understands my dilemma, especially when I say things like, "I love you so much, princess, and I appreciate your love so much. I would give anything not to have these horrible memories that upset me so much. Thank you for being patient with me and for just holding me close until I feel stronger and better able to give you the affection that you deserve so much." But dang it all... it has taken me 40 years just to be able to say this, mean it, and follow up appropriately in due time. Of course, I don't always respond so well, and the result is... well, predictable.

After all... all any of us really want is to know that our voices and intents have been heard and that someone cares enough to give us the space we need to heal. I wish for you a quiet and peaceable day. Keep smiling...

 

[bruisednotbroken]

Hi, I'm new but feel I can relate and figured I'd chime in.

My therapist (T) suggested that I create a list of intimate things that cause me anxiety due to my past abuse ... beginning with hand-holding, touching, hugging, kissing all the way up to sex etc and rating them on a scale of 1-10 (1 being what causes me the least amount of anxiety and 10 being the most). Starting with the least anxious item, with the understanding of my partner, i repeat this action as slowly and in-the-moment as possible. If I get anxious, I stop. Breathe. Do some self EMDR (can't post the link but just google it) and start over.

It's important to do this at your own pace. Your body is YOURS, remember that. I understand the guilt that comes into play but insist on your husband being patient with you and celebrate your small victories.

Best of luck. Hope this helps.

 

[MissMacD]

I haven't gotten to my issues with intimacy with my therapist. My trauma definitely has an impact on my intimate life.

A relationship has so many more dimensions than sex, so while I am in therapy my boyfriend and I have worked on strengthening other parts of our relationship. I take Seroquel for sleep which has killed my sex drive, it makes being intimate very difficult. This is my time to get better, if I don't get help now I never will. I'd rather have no sex life temporarily than carry the burdens I have any further.

 

[PioneerSon]

Bravo to you, Becky and Miss MacD... I commend you for taking care of yourselves. Blessings to you for a quiet and peaceful weekend.

 

[mortz]

I never realized how layered this issue was. I have difficulties being intimate with my fiance. He is an amazing person and partner. He tries so very hard to understand. It had taking me a long time, to get in a better place emotionally and mentally after years of sexual abuse as a child from my older brother.

But lately, I've been pulling away from my partner and I can't even stand to be touched or hugged. It brings me to tears. My poor partner feels so rejected. It breaks my heart. I hate that I am letting this affect me still.

I talk to my partner about how I'm feeling. I think its important for him to know that this isn't his fault nor is it directed at him in any way. He does his best to understand. But at least I'm being honest and up front with him. Addressing the issues is better than letting it take control of you.

Hope you find some peace within yourself x

 

[Lonelyone]

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Sex is one of those off limits things for me...I'm terrified to be intimate with anyone and it contributes to my relationships falling apart. I have tried sex before and at most I can tolerate it...but I tend to stay away.

I tend to keep my PTSD a secret because I am ashamed of it. Explaining to a partner why I can't have sex makes it impossible so I tend to run. I commend all the posters for at Least willing to tolerate the sex for the other party...I am not at that point.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

for at Least willing to tolerate the sex for the other party

I think that this may be the wrong mind set. Sex should be and is meant to be enjoyable and it can be even if you have been sexually abused. You should not be thinking about getting yourself ready to tolerate it, rather you should be thinking about liking it or loving it. To me those are two different paths. Learning to tolerate it is not a good path IMO. That can breed distrust, angry and resentment from your partner.

Maybe you should start with trying to figure out what works for you. Explore what you like. Share that with your partner. Take it slow. And learn to share these things with your therapist. It takes time to get your mind to see sex without abuse coming into the picture but it is possible. Liking sex is okay and to me sex is not a dirty word.

Kind regards,

Ayesha

 

[p-no]

Now (that's the key word) sex is fine and I really love it at times. But. As soon as thinking about what is happening starts, it's over. Then my brain matches what's happening to what happened when I was abused, as a child and adult, and once my brain judges that it's technically more or less the same thing, I'm out. I think, as long as I am here and now, things are fine. But when I "go back in time", for example if my partner asked me things, I'd get sent back to the past and that'd be it.

Comparing this to where I once was (no sex, no matter what the consequence; paranoia, terror, anxiety...), this is huge progress. So, what I'm trying to say is, I agree with Ayesha. Tolerating it is not a good solution in my opinion as well. Although I think it can be a phase in healing that part of your life.

 

[Philippa]

Sex is a beautiful thing. I hope for all of you that you can all get to a place where you love it, not just tolerate it. If you feel that you have to tolerate it for his sake then you are probably better off telling him that you don't want to have sex at all, because you really don't.

It may sound controversial, but I have heard of some women who have given their husbands permission to go and visit a sex worker to get their needs met, because really, that's what they are there for. It's just a suggestion of course, and you don't have to listen to me, but it might give you the space to heal without that pressure to have to 'just tolerate' it when he needs sex, which men do, that's just part of their make-up. If you both communicated about what your individual needs are it might help to grow closer and actively find solutions to this in a way that is caring about you both.

Forgive me if that sounds insensitive. I am not meaning for it to be that way, I just thought I'd offer one possible solution. It's radical I know.

 

[MissMacD]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. It is so helpful.

 

[Becky_From_Canada]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It really helps to know that I am not alone.

Becky