Difficulty Moving And Speaking?

[SeedMan]

While I am thankful that I'm not alone in such things, I'm sad that so many of us are wrestling so. Seeing the posts of people with their hints of how they bring themselves back is VERY helpful to me.

I'm finding I have something of a spectrum of things I go through according to stress level. I generally need a cane to walk in public as it helps me feel the earth (hence the term "grounding") and as I startle easily from people passing close to me, having a cane sometimes alerts them that I need extra space around me. At times I feel so secure, safe and loved, I can even dance. I savour those times. As I disconnect, my speech becomes slurred and scrambled; then going to selective mutism where I can move my mouth, but words don't come at all. Something like tunnel-vision happens and I find I'm unable to stand. At worst-case scenario, I become something like catatonic.

At times like that, (but hopefully sooner), I find that when I become aware that I'm freezing and not pushing myself to perform, I give myself as much time as I need to "thaw out". Shaming myself and emotionally beating myself up for "not trying hard enough" keeps me stuck.

Thank you, all, for being vulnerable, sharing your stories and your techniques for getting through to the other side.

 

[SeedMan]

Oh, now that I'm thinking of it, I'm reading Peter Levine's book: In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Trauma, Neurology, Body-Mind connection; lots of good information HOWEVER, I often needed to read only a bit of it at a time, 'cause I could get easily triggered to the point of dysregulation when I took on too much at a time.

Of especial value is the fact that he was walking and got hit by a car and he was able to put his insights to the test to avoid PTSD from setting in. Nothing like going from the lecture to the laboratory, eh?

 

[7Cs]

Oh, now that I'm thinking of it, I'm reading Peter Levine's book: In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body...

I get triggered into dissociating sometimes when doing "research" too. Just reading about certain types of abuse, dissociation, symptoms and it's causes can bring it on. I'm not sure if I'm just impressionable and too open to suggestion or if I'm just very sensitive to the topics?

 

[SeedMan]

I get triggered into dissociating sometimes when doing "research" too. Just reading about certain types...

Yeah, you're singing my song. Good that you're aware of the dynamics.

 

[MyWillow]

Grateful for this thread. First time poster and a little shaken after the last few weeks of therapy.

Started seeing a really lovely psych last year when I was having trouble coping with 3 separate accidents and subsequent injuries. I'm a professional trying to finish my PhD and the pressure was a bit much.

A few weeks ago I was reflecting on my session when I realised I had these large "blanks" and couldn't recall anything. I looked for other things I had experienced during the session and as I worked back and forth, trying to piece things together I realised it went something like this: blank -> hearing loss, can't move, can't feel, can't talk, can't see (kind of white), no emotion, no input, no output, very quiet and calm - complete shutdown -> heard my therapist's voice and felt extremely resentful about being wrenched back into reality, then I went into overdrive trying to figure out where the hell I was and what I was supposed to be talking about -> blank.

The more I thought about it the more I realised it had happened more than once and at varying degrees but only in therapy. I raised it last week and my psych was fabulous - very compassionate, interested and accepting. I was cranky because of the memory loss (I like being in control!) and not understanding what the hell was triggering it. Apparently it's any time she mentions my childhood *sigh* I think MAYBE it used to happen years ago when I was in my late teens/early 20s because of things people said to me at the time.

We took our time discussing this and I think we had moved on to "where to from here" when BAM, my hearing went, my soul felt like it was smashed into a space that was kinda in front and to the right of me, I couldn't move or talk and my vision was was dark and cloudy at best. It wasn't at all quiet and calm like the last experience but noisy and chaotic and quite frightening. I badly wanted out. I felt this strong pull backwards and I just knew that if I gave in I would slip straight into the quiet and calm shutdown space. But I just couldn't handle the idea of giving in. So I started to fight it. It physically hurt. I somehow realised that the only other option was to re-connect with reality. But not being able to hear, move or speak made that a bit difficult. Suddenly I saw a flicker of movement in my line of sight and I THINK maybe it was my psych trying to get my attention. That's when I realised that eye contact was the last thing I'd lost and could be the thing to connect me back. So I started fighting like a wildcat to try and look at her. It felt like my soul was being ripped in half. I could see she was talking and, although I couldn't hear what she was saying, I just hooked into that and tried to stay present. But I kept getting slammed down into the place of chaos, feeling the pull backwards to the place of shutdown. This cycle continued for what felt like forever until I thought I couldn't keep it up any longer. Then there was a short "blank" and I was back in the present. My psych asked if I was ok and I barely had the strength to reply "yes". I just couldn't get my head together to discuss it and I think she realised that. She changed the subject to what I needed to do for the next few weeks in terms of self-care, asking for my input - which did really help because I could talk about the things I like doing.

Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the rambling. I'm not seeing my psych for another 10 days and just needed to get this out of my head. The pain of my soul being torn apart wakes me up at all hours. Very difficult to share with my partner as he is not used to seeing me Not Coping and just does not know what to do. Talking to him causes more harm than good at the moment. I have NFI what is going on and it's just all consuming. And just a little bit scary.

 

[SeedMan]

I don't think you were rambling, MyWillow. I think it's a way for one to grasp that what happened really happened. I gotta hand it to you for being able to recount so clearly the coming in and going out of dissociation, scary biscuits though they were. Welcome to the group, by the way. I'm pretty new here myself and I'm finding all sorts of good stuff every time I log on. I don't expect to any "okay, I'm fixed now, bye" experience, but rather, a "Wow! I'm not the only one!" awareness which makes the discomfort of PTSD just a bit more comfortable. Cheers! :-)

 

[MyWillow]

Hey thanks SeedMan. And "scary biscuits" - geez that made me smile so thank you LOL. Yeah I'm a scientist and I try to look at what I'm experiencing from that perspective. Sometimes my psych gently reminds that I don't always have to be quite so objective.

Yes, half of it is just realising you're not alone isn't it. It's been difficult to go from "been functioning just fine thanks" to "holy crap I've lost the plot". I don't have any diagnosis, by the way. Just stumbled on this forum in an attempt to understand what is happening. I've read so many academic papers but none of them are as reassuring as reading some of the responses here.