Dificulties With Terapist

[Bloomy]

I dont know what to do with this situation. . And let me say also I have problems to describe emotions so it might get messy.

Here is the case:

After a major break down last year resulting in self cutting I got in contact with a therapist that that was willing to take me in for free. Since Im poor and cant afford therapy.

Its been a rocky year and a whole lot of crashes between us. She often says she dont understand me or my reactions as a ptsd client. Im trying as well as I can to explain to her my concerns and needs and frustrations. That I myself feel ready for ptsd growth, but consequenses of trauma low education and øittle work experince and live in poverty. How to get back to society and to get education and work is what I want. And need help for. To not move ahead with education and livable income and have the everyday economical challenges is hard and in addition triggers me. That I myself think this is why I often am upset in our classes.

So last week we had appointment. Ive been injured lately and Ive been in great pain. It seems she dont belive me. That she thinks Im manipulating her to get some sort of symphaty.

So on the way in the door to meet her I do it again. I slam my foot and my big toe in the door and suffered great pain. It seems she just had it with me and my crazyness and complaining. It seemed she didnt belive I actually did hurt my toe that bad. Ive been to doctor afterwards and toenail will fall of due to this.

So during our meeting she seems very upset and reluctant. Conversation is not really a good one.

After I mention it and I try to smooth it over with being overly nice. And mind I was in severe pain at this moment.

She didnt say anything about the toe or my other damaged after my accident. Just "Ill message you about a new appointment" I had the feeling she was very fed up with me. And its been one week and I didnt hear anything from her. Which is unusual.

Im so sick and tired of being percived as a dificult person. As someone that is to traumatized to be able to work. I did work the last years. And even as a trainer. It feels like she dont really belive in me. The real me. Or she dont see me.

 

[ghotiff]

This does not seem to be a good therapist for you as she seems to not be validating you. But...Given your options on who to see are limited (due to money) do you get anything of value from her. Are you learning useful skills?

 

[Chava]

Agree with @ghotiff ...it sounds like she is not the right therapist for you.

As someone that is to traumatized to be able to work. I did work the last years. And even as a trainer. It feels like she dont really belive in me. The real me. Or she dont see me.

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. It sounds like you have a lot you are trying to do and I believe you are working hard. It actually just takes a lot of time and it would be great if you had a therapist that was patient with your progress. I have a lot of 2 steps forward, 1 step back (more like 1.5 steps back). Very gradual change...actually helps me integrate new patterns and not totally melt down.

I'm also sorry it feels like she does not see the real you.

I'm curious...is your PTSD the result of childhood trauma like abuse or anything? (sorry if I missed if you posted this earlier) Is it possible to find a therapist who specializes more in early/childhood trauma or complex trauma, if that would fit better for you? Also, have you ruled out possible comorbid personality disorders? I ask because early trauma, complex, or personality disorders can alter the course of treatment and approach. It sounds like she simply doesn't understand how to help you very well.

 

[Bloomy]

This was my first post here so no I havent written about it earlier.

I dont think I have personality disorders. I think its normal reactions to the traumas Ive been through.

I grew up in a family of mother, step father and sister. I was abused by all. In addition there was a lot of mentally and physically violence. My sister spend the childhood threatening me. And sometimes want to kill me. My mother tried to kill me twice by strangeling. I was kicked out when I was about 15 years old and had to live on the street as the welfare and childcare didnt pick me up.

I decided when I was 20 years old that I would not speak to them again, but mother got severly sick so I stayed in contact. Whick was a bad idea. She is mentally very ill and have said some things that just blew my mind.

I stayed with her last time when I was about 26 years old and she tried to abuse me again.

I also had a short stay with original father at 27 years old. I didnt remember clear he abused me as a child. Then he tried to abuse me again as a grown up. My sister claimed it was my fault.

So after all this It was finally clear I could not have anything to do with them ever again. Ive been in NC for 14 years now.

I also belive that the total lack of love has a affected me. Never had a hug or a good word or other signs of positive affection from neither of them.

So yes - Im like of course Im dificult. Nothing wrong with that after what Ive been through. And I belive the way to reconcile with myself is if I could get some love and affection. In addition to education and work and a ordinary safe life. I have a foster daughter from two year back. She is 18 years now. And I feel the diference in me from the love between us. To mean something to somebody that takes me seriously. I know I aint that mad or bad cause I managed to save this girl from her own dificulties at her home. And cause of that she is doing fine today and have become a lovely young women.

 

[Bloomy]

Ghotif: Ive told her I want first of all to make a year plan so I can have tasks to move forward and to see the progress. I also said I need to learn skills. But no Nothing happens. She seems helpless when I have my down days. She becomes silent. The worst thing I know. Silent people. Make me also feels so helpless. . Ive seen her as a crutch cause I couldnt stand on my own, but I now wonder if this cructh is inhibiting me more then helping me.

 

[Bloomy]

I belive therapist may not be right for me.
I wrote her an message today saying "as I have not heard from you for a week I wonder what is happening. Last meeting you said you message about when well meet next time".
She answer its a misunderstanding between us and she has been waiting for me to say I want to meet again.

 

[Kintsugi]

Given the abuse you've outlined, it would be atypical if you did not display any features of personality disorders. I don't have a personality disoder, but I certainly have a lot of traits typical of personality disorders. My T put it this way: "I'll bet you could go through every diagnosis in cluster B and find symptoms of each one that you share, but there wouldn't be a single one where you could tick each box and say, 'Yes, that's it.'" I have affectionately named it my "clusterf*ck B."

Your T doesn't sound like she's helping you much. I'm not sure if she's ever given solid reasons why she doubts you so much? It doesn't sound like a very productive space for you to move forward. I don't know a lot about Norway, but I feel like they're supposed to have good social services? Maybe that's a misconception? I would try to contact private organizations in addition to local government resources to see if you can find any affordable/free services that might help you.

 

[Bloomy]

That I live in Noway is a problem. Yes they portray it like we have good social service and I belived that for many years. Now I learned its just heck of bullshit. They have recently laid down one of the largest trauma centers. And Ive been through many of the affordable governmental services, but they just dont get PTSD. So it aint so easy.

Im feel there is a core in me determined to heal. No matter how dark it can get or dificult. I have the belive I deserve to help myself to at one point in life feel good. Be good. Have good.

When it comes to T it seems she thinks I am overreacting. And it seems hard for her to deal with my angry emotions. Due to how I helped my daughter I just wish someone would help me in the same way. Belive in me. Give me tools to manage daily life. To get work and education.

 

[Born to Run]

Last week another new member from Norway joined, and she was going to start therapy soon, possibly for ptsd. Maybe you could ask her to put you on the right track? The member is @mumfie.

Or you could check on this website of the European Society for Trauma & Dissociation: http://www.estd.org/countries/norway/
There is a tab 'Contact' and maybe you could contact those folks for further information.

Just some suggestions; it is clear you need and deserve help to move on with your life.

I lived and worked in Norway myself and also think it highly depends on the area in which you live and how civilised things are, as the country is quite big.

Take care.

 

[Chava]

And I belive the way to reconcile with myself is if I could get some love and affection. In addition to education and work and a ordinary safe life.

That seems true. You deserve support and love. What you need from a therapist is a sense of positive regard, some stability, and care, all with the aim of you developing that more internally for your self as well.

And I feel the diference in me from the love between us. To mean something to somebody that takes me seriously

I'm quite avoidant of relationships but I feel this too. It's important for me to feel like my work is meaningful and that I mean something to others. We all need that in some way. So important to keep nourishing those needs for meaning and connection.

Im feel there is a core in me determined to heal. No matter how dark it can get or dificult. I have the belive I deserve to help myself to at one point in life feel good.

That's great! You can do this. I do sense you might not have the right therapist. But I wonder if you can write down some notes and talk to her at your next session. Like before giving up on her, are you able to ask questions or try to tell her how you are frustrated and also what you think you need from her? A good part of working with my therapist early on was feeling like I could communicate with her and not worry about her feelings...but understand I was the consumer here and I had a right to ask questions, seek clarification, let her know what wasn't working or what was helping. It helped that she really appreciated this and I think she's just a good therapist for me. Your therapist might not be the right one, but if you haven't tried communicating your frustrations more, I'd try that first and see what happens.

When it comes to T it seems she thinks I am overreacting. And it seems hard for her to deal with my angry emotions.

Again, she might not be the right therapist. It sounds like you need someone who can first help you with the emotional regulation part and be patient with that process. Does she help you work on developing new resources for dealing with intense feelings? How is she helping you with grounding or managing feelings in new ways? If it isn't meant to work, it could be just find another trauma therapist...ideally someone who understands childhood trauma pretty well. There are many tools and resources that need to go in place and I think it requires a fairly patient and caring therapist. No quick fix.

But you have a great, determined, self-compassionate attitude. Keep nurturing those positive thoughts because they will help you no matter what...they can help you be strong if you need to communicate with your therapist about your needs or concerns, or if you need to research or reach out and find someone else. Hang in there!

 

[ghotiff]

If you are going down the path of managing your own recovery there are many books etc that might help. And of course we are all here.

 

[HappyJock]

I don't want to weigh in here and go into something where I may be wrong, but let me just start out by saying you're doing a great job. You're doing your part. Your therapist isn't doing her part in that she's not trying hard enough, obviously not sympathetic enough and doesn't try to understand you. On that note, I'll just say again that I really don't think she's the right therapist for you.