Disagree with therapist

[Cypress]

my parents (mom is dead now) were neglectful, emotionally disconnected, permitted significant bullying by my siblings and created an environment which enabled my older brother to abuse me by forcing me to share a bedroom with him until I was 6. My hometown is also the location of the majority of my sexual traumas with at least one perpetrator (other than brother who is dead now) still living in that community.

I have had a lot of co-dependency issues and read up on it quite a bit. In my understanding it's not a diagnosis but a way of avoiding and controlling feelings/people/situations. I can see why your T might think the sure-to-be triggering visit to your neglectful parent might be co-dependent - meaning a way to avoid or control your feelings/people/situations.

I understand his disappointment but in my mind the visit next month to my dad is better than the alternative which would have been a command family appearance/performance during the holidays with all of my living siblings in attendance

Why is it a choice between visiting your dad or visiting your siblings? Are there other options? like do neither? Stay home alone, give yourself a solo vacation to someplace, go the the trauma unit?

 

[Justmehere]

I despise labels. I resisted a PTSD diagnosis for years. But a diagnosis is not something to be ashamed about any more than hair color (i.e. not at all).

The diagnosis is not a Substance Use disorder it is actually codependency

Legit 90 percent of the population is believed to have low level codependency. (Family Life Matters: Combating Codependency) It’s almost as common as breathing air for people to end up in a codependent pattern now and again.

It doesn’t make you a failure.

But I think the core issue isn’t the diagnosis or how to coax the information out of him. I think the core issue is your super low self worth. A possible suggestion of a possible super common habit isn’t something that means you are lesser than everyone else. It just means you are awfully normal. Human.

Whatever you do about the trip and the T, addressing the lack of self worth will probably bring you the most relief.

 

[Muttly]

It does seem like you are doing a lot of mind reading. The reading material he gave you makes sense given your up-coming visit. He's a therapist, so the reading material he has is going to come from books and sources that have labels. My therapist has given me stuff to read that had a label and she didn't believe that label applied to me. It just fit the situation.

As far as him being disappointed, you don't know that he is. And I get how it can feel to worry you've disappointed your T. I have had that worry. What my therapist said, when I talked to her about it is that I hadn't disappointed her. But more importantly, she talked about how it's ok to disappoint people. In fact it's a natural part of interacting with people. Like if you and a friend were talking about going to a movie but you couldn't and then the movie wasn't showing. Your friend may be disappointed, but that doesn't mean your friendship ends or your friend has suffered unduly. In my family, it was a huge problem if I disappointed them. But I was also set up so it was nearly impossible to not disappoint. It was impossible for me to take care of my own emotional and sometimes physical needs, without being treated as if I was taking away from them. But that's a double bind and not true. Ultimately, they are responsible for their needs. For example, if I refuse to go to a family get together and they are disappointed, they are responsible for managing their feelings. They can nurse their hurt, turning it into blame and all sorts of other negativity, or they can find a way of comforting themselves and moving on with life.

 

[FauxLiz]

Why is it a choice between visiting your dad or visiting your siblings?

It is a choice between my dad alone or my dad, siblings and the holidays because either way the every time I deal with my siblings they make frequent and generally progressive and nasty statements which successfully induce significant guilt regarding my share in the responsibilities and role in helping care for my dad as he ages. I have not cut off contact with my family (though it has been considered) for their role in things that happened in my past and don't foresee that happening in the future.

I think the core issue is your super low self worth.

There is no doubt this is a major issue for me and we are working on it..

she talked about how it's ok to disappoint people.

in my head I know it's okay to disappoint people but it is something I struggle with in situations where I want someone to like me or I respect them and don't want them to change their opinion of me.

It does seem like you are doing a lot of mind reading

Yeah mind reading is my super power unfortunately like most people in the world my skills are only accurate in my head and not in real life.

 

[Cypress]

What about something in the middle: not visiting your family for this 3 week vacation but not cutting them off either?

It seems like if you don't want to visit your family during this vacation, you should not visit them.

When my mentally ill neglectful mother had deteriorating health, I did a lot of help from afar: dealing with finances, arranging and paying for caregivers and transportation, making doctor appointments, etc. My siblings complained at the time but now they don't even remember it.

 

[scout86]

I did a lot of help from afar:

And I did practically nothing, except keep tabs on things from afar, as best I could.

I learned a couple of things during that time. The first was to accept that sometimes people define a situation (or a person) in such a way that, by definition, your role is to be wrong. To be a disappointment. I know that sounds crazy, but that's the kind of dynamic we're talking about, isn't it? "Crazy"?

The second thing I learned was how to embrace my assigned role in the family. The day my mom died, I walked into the nursing home and said, "Hi, I'm the black sheep of the family." (I had no idea what my brother might have told them, but it would have been along those lines. )

Earlier in this family drama, I asked my T, "What am I supposed to do about this?" (I don't even remember what "this" was anymore.) He said, "Oh, you're going to do what you usually do, you're going to be the pragmatist and piss everyone else off."

I finally realized that that was the thing. I'd been assigned a role and my mom and my brother weren't going to see it differently, no matter what. The thing is, that rule was/is about THEM and what they think THEY need. It's got nothing to do with me, at all. Once I realized that, i just embraced the role and went with it.

That's not always easy, and I'm sure there lots of ways to deal with that situation. My point is just that, when dealing with these people, remember there's not much chance they'll let things change, so don't waste your time and energy trying, or beating yourself up for "failing". The rules of the game are already set and beyond your control.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Conflicts with therapists are a slippery slope, I can only talk about my own experience where my t ended up betraying me, I ended up changing therapists and I am glad I did, my new one is great, and for a change I am getting better.

 

[Starfire]

Why? Haven't figured out why Ts think adding more dxs is a good thing. The more the better?!!! I'm sure if my T wanted to, he could add several more. Have one that covers major symptoms, and insurance, and we work with the other symptoms as they relate.

 

[Mee]

Firstly my personal opinion is that codependency is very confused and overused and has a problem as a term that it’s been used as an insult. I think many people who are called codependent and are functional are actually interdependent, Look outside primarily English speaking or nuclear unit nations to see interdependence is more functional than codependency or extreme independence. We are seeing what extreme independence is leading to in some examples.

However, when things are raised with my therapist which I disagree with we have either agreed to disagree ( a really important life skill that I feel safe with with her, thank god, I didn’t for a while) or i have said ‘I don’t understand this, can you explain how this relates when my default hasn’t been that but rather x’.

It’s a huge leap to take that conversation of difference of opinion from T, especially if they are your rock.

At the moment you are looking at two options for this period of time. Is it possible there is a third , a compromise?

 

[FauxLiz]

So I took the plunge last night and emailed my T a whole bunch of stuff that was running around inside my head. My concerns about a new diagnosis, my issues with mind reading and thinking he was skirting around an issue. Suffice it to say that he was able to put my mind at ease on the co-dependency though he did bring up a something for me to think about which is my and wondering if I had developed some co-dependence with it as I have separated from my ex husband, watch my kids grow up and move away and struggle to begin new friendships.

Anyway it started as a really good session, I got my concerns off my chest I was able to get a better feeling about how things are going to work with the upcoming vacation/intensive therapy period. we were doing really good talking about how my vacation is going to impact me as I have serious issues with my family of origin. Anyway really good session and then, one of my worst possible nightmares happened. I was starting to open up, I was was on the edge of a real breakthrough enough so I actually shed a couple of tears and then it happened. It might as well have been someone walking into a session instead it was teletherapy and the technology failed. I was having this major moment and both the video and audio just went black and it was devastating. It took like 5 or so minutes to get things figured out and get audio and video back and by then the moment was gone and I shut everything down I don't know what to think I know that the teletherapy is only supposed to last until he returns at the end of the semester and we are both in the same location again but I can't put therapy off until December. I can't put the work we are supposed to do the intensive work we are supposed to do when I leave on vacation in 8 days. But this was devastating it was like he hung up, walked out of the room it triggered so many things for me I have just been doing anything possible to distract myself and I am afraid that this will scare me enough that I terminate therapy and that is not what I need this T I think can help me do some major processing if I don't use a million excuses as red flags to run away.

 

[scout86]

Basically, well done! Turns out that "watching" someone else take a chance like that and have it go ok is kind of reassuring too.

one of my worst possible nightmares happened. I

You might want to step back and think about that a little. What makes that one of your worst possible nightmares? I'm not saying it wasn't bad,, or unfortunate, or frustrating, or whatever. But "worst possible"? (I think that part of my brain that wants to not talk about stuff would be shouting "saved technology!" LOL)

I'd be willing to bet your T was having a small fit on his end too, because he knew what it had taken for you get that far and wanted to keep things flowing as much as you did.

I'm going to use one of my annoying horse/people comparisons again. A lot of horses don't like walking into a trailer. I suppose it looks like a place no sane horse would go. A cave, a black box, a dangerous unknown thing. It's really common that you can talk them into walking up to it and then they run backwards to get away. The most effective way to handle that is stay calm and let them back way. The next time they approach will be easier if you do. You reinforce that it's NOT a trap, it's safer than it looks, and MAYBE they can consider trusting that. They have a little control.

In therapy, I don't think it's a matter of working yourself up to say a bunch of hard stuff one time. Far as I can see, you came really close to the big black box and nothing bad happened. I'd say that was well done and a really good step.

I'm sure I'd have shut down too, BTW. Seems pretty "normal", all things considered. But, you took a huge step and lived to tell the tale. Seems pretty great from here!

 

[Cypress]

This is why I hate teletherapy! The exact same thing happened to me. I finally worked up to telling my T the memory associated with a terrible anniversary this month and bam! my internet cuts out. I was left to pick up the pieces myself which even though it wasn't intended taught me that I can pick up the pieces without dissociating into a part.

So maybe try to look at it that way, while it wasn't intended it allowed you to practice self-reliance.

I feel for you. You are going through a rough patch right now.